Your guide to the Oscars: Movies you can bet on

Quick: which one of these guys is Bruce Dern? Okay, maybe you need an Oscars guide. - Richard Mackson-USA TODAY Sports

The Academy Awards are on Sunday. Here's everything you need to know, even if you didn't see a movie last year.

What's that you say, fella? You want something to watch on Sunday, but you don't know your Llewyn Davis from your Lupita Nyong'o? Well, we're here to help, because even if you're not a movie buff, or if you hate any film that doesn't have "Iron," "Despicable," or Larry the Cable Guy Presents" in the title, the Academy Awards can still be a blast to watch.

And when you get right down to it, it's not all that different from watching sports. Here are four things to do that will instantly enhance your viewing experience.

You can throw a viewing party

Progressive Boink

Send out an Evite. Tell everyone you know that you're hosting an Oscars party on Sunday. (Tell them it's a WWE party if you need to trick them. No one can keep track of how many PPVs there are, anyway.) Tell them it's a potluck and encourage everyone to bring an Oscars-themed dish (preferably for the current year's nominees). This can be as simple as simple as buying some fast food and giving it a creative name. THE FLOOR IS THE LIMIT.

Some examples of recent Academy Award-nominated themed foods include:

- Mangoes Unchained
- American Streusel 
- Dallas Fryer's Club (can just be a bucket of KFC)
- Despicable Meat 2 
- The Great Gats-beer
- The Grapes Gatsby
- The Great Gatsbeans
- The Grain Gatsby
- The Grated Cheese Gatsby

You get the idea.

You can play Oscars Bingo

Bingo is fun. Everyone loves bingo. Get yourself a bingo template, fill out some squares and "bingo": instant fun! Determine whether you'll be playing just during the awards telecast or if the red carpet will also be included in the bingo parameters and away you and your guests go!

Some required bingo squares for this year's event:

- Jared Leto wins Best Supporting Actor
- Bruce Dern looks irritated
- Ellen Degeneres dances awkwardly
- Billy Crystal cameo that makes everyone in the room say "JESUS" when they see his face
- Jonah Hill looks uncomfortable
- Awkward joke about Somali pirates
- Questionable facial hair decisions
- "Who are you wearing?"
- TelePrompTer malfunction
- Someone gets played off by the band
- Someone tries to shout over getting played off
- Band plays louder to try to play person off EVEN HARDER
- Director says "screw it" and just cuts to a commercial while someone is still trying to give an acceptance speech
- Matthew McConaughey impression

Heck, here's a card to get you started:

Screen_shot_2014-02-27_at_8

You can pretend it's a sporting event

Because everything is sports if you look at it from the right way. I mean, think about it: what is sports if not making catty comments about people you dislike for mostly arbitrary reasons? What is sports if not cheering for whichever outfit appeals to you the most aesthetically? What is sports if not wishing for some millionaires to fail spectacularly and suffer humiliation, while other millionaires win accolades and you can convince yourself they "deserved" it more.

Sorry if things got too real in that last paragraph. Here are some other ways you can pretend this year's Oscars are like sports:

- Leonardo DiCaprio is like Peyton Manning, because he always makes it to the postseason but never takes home the big one
- Bruce Dern is like Tony Romo; he's got all the talent and momentum but is going to cough it up in the home stretch
- Jennifer Lawrence is the St. Louis Cardinals: young, full of talent and going to be in the running every single year whether you like it or not
- The Croods are the 2013 Milwaukee Bucks; how the hell did THEY get here
- U2 is the Yankees: you hate them

You can GAMBLE

Yes, you can waste some of your money by gambling on the Oscars. In addition to just straight-up gambling on winners, there are also prop bets. Bovada seems to think most of the races aren't really close. Like the race for best cinematography, for example.

Screen_shot_2014-02-26_at_7

Yes, that is a MINUS TEN THOUSAND line for Gravity. Neat. Someone call Mark Cuban and ask to borrow some money. But there's actually a pretty good line at the moment:

Screen_shot_2014-02-26_at_7

It's actually not crazy to play the field there, because The Wind Rises is the last film by Hayao Miyazaki and there's a very, very real chance it could win. (But if it doesn't, just remember that I don't know what I'm talking about, so why are you listening to me anyway?)

But there are some terrific prop bets, like "Will Pink make an acrobatic entrance?" or "Will Pink and Bette Midler perform a duet?" and of course, the single most important prop bet of all time:

Screen_shot_2014-02-26_at_7

Oscar fever, everyone. Catch it!

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