Two years ago, SB Nation provided you with a drinking game for the Opening Ceremony of the London Game. It was irresponsible, dangerous, and an absolute blast if you survived it. Given the pomp of the ceremony with the drudgery of the parade of nations, we at SB Nation have decided to replicate this terrible idea and tailor it to Russian culture.
A NOTE ABOUT DRINKING: while we endorse authenticity, DO NOT play this game with vodka unless you (A) are Russian and largely impervious to it, or (B) have watered it down with copious amounts of soda or tonic water. SECONDARY DISCLAIMER: drink responsibly(-ish) and do not drive your car, operate machinery, or text former lovers after drinking.
Good? Good. Let's get to it!
AT ANY POINT
ONE DRINK* per sportscaster wearing gloves. (*one drink = a swallow of beer or small sip of wine/diluted mixed drink)
ONE DRINK per on-camera appearance of Vladimir Putin. Finish your drink if Putin has an active role in the ceremony.
ONE DRINK if Bob Costas explains his eye infection.
ONE DRINK per use of fire.
ONE DRINK if someone has Andrei Kirilenko's haircut (male or female).
photo: Joe Camporeale-USA TODAY Sports
TWO DRINKS for a rainbow flag or openly defiant display of homosexuality.
TWO DRINKS if a stray dog makes it on-camera.
TWO DRINKS for any obvious technical failure.
FINISH YOUR DRINK if one of the camera angles is from the dashboard of a car.
DURING THE OPENING CEREMONY
ONE DRINK for people hammering metal or stereotypically Russian display of strength.
ONE DRINK for bad Russian techno.
ONE DRINK per set piece that has an onion-shaped dome.
ONE DRINK per Russian tennis star.
ONE DRINK for Russian nesting dolls. Take an additional drink if someone you're watching with insists that the appropriate term is "matryoshka doll." Compliment them on their supreme intellect. Clap sarcastically.
ONE DRINK for ballet. Take an additional drink if it's set to Stravinsky or Tchaikovsky. If you can't identify Stravinsky or Tchaikovsky, take another drink, you heathen. You probably don't even know the correct term for nesting dolls. Ugh.
ONE DRINK if former rhythmic gymnast Alina Kabaeva -- Putin's girlfriend -- lights the torch, as rumored.
TWO DRINKS for Cossack dancing. The Hopak is traditionally Ukrainian, so its potential appearance is either a nod to Ukraine for not joining the European Union, or an admission that Russia had space to fill and was out of ideas.
TWO DRINKS for any appearance of exotic large cats.
TWO DRINKS if Putin lights the torch.
TWO MORE DRINKS if he's shirtless.
FINISH YOUR DRINK if he's shirtless and lights it with any kind of weapon.
DURING THE PARADE OF NATIONS
ONE DRINK if a country has silly hats. (Berets count as silly unless worn by the French.)
ONE DRINK per nation with fewer than ten athletes. Take an additional drink for any athlete who is the lone representative of his/her country.
ONE DRINK if NBC's graphic makes Nepal's flag look like a quadrilateral even though it isn't.
ONE DRINK per athlete taking a photo with an iPad.
ONE DRINK per athlete wearing Google Glass.
ONE DRINK per athlete with brown hair on the Swedish Olympic team (limit: four).
TWO DRINKS for the words "Cool Runnings."
FINISH YOUR DRINK if an Olympian brings a stray dog into the stadium.
FINISH YOUR DRINK TWICE if that dog lights the torch.
(You should not play this game.)
Spencer Hall, Jon Bois, Brian Floyd, and Bill Hanstock contributed to this liver-wrecking exercise.