Jay Mariotti writes the most perfectly terrible sports column in world history. You should read it.

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SB Nation 2014 NCAA March Madness Coverage

We're required to remind you that these strong takes are PARODY. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

Hey folks if I were to tell you that Jay Mariotti wrote a column taking credit for Obama being President while also saying "Stick to not sports" while also accusing him of showing off by pronouncing things correctly, while also blaming him personally for not discovering the wreckage of a jumbo jet, you would probably say "Yeah, seems about right."

Yeah. Seems about right.

I dont know what the equivilent of autoerotic asphixiation is if instead of wrapping a rope around your neck while touching yourself, your reading a Jay Mariotti column and trying not to commit suicide but its a real rush. It is longform Jimmy Martinez. It is Rick Reilly after a 4 story fall. It is the Mona Lisa if instead of a woman smiling it was a ink blot test created by Sasha Greys gynocologist.

Well put your smock on. This is going to get messy.

The Malaysia Airlines jetliner is still missing.

Your damn right it is.

Obamacare has become such a tragicomical farce that actor Zach Galifianakis, in some semi-coherent form, was used to educate young people about signing up.

This column took a harder left turn then a Mayalsian pilot folks.

Sen. Rand Paul invoked the names of Martin Luther King and Muhammad Ali, who were subjected to surveillance in the 1960s, in telling the New York Times, "The first African-American president ought to be a little more conscious of the fact of what has happened with the abuses of domestic spying."

Black people, In My Opinion, should know better then to spy on people since people have been spying on them ever since the telphone was invented.

Yet the various crises of his job didn’t stop Barack Obama from spending a portion of his presidential work week with an NCAA tournament bracket.

Not personally finding the wreckage of a foreign countrys plane that crashed literally at the point most far from where he is right now in the world will always be the biggest disgrace of Obamas Presidensy, but then I found out he did a bracket.

Listen if Jay Mariotti can squeeze in time between sentencesing hearings to write a sports column I think the President can wedge in a few minutes to do a bracket in between vacations.

He filled out all 67 games for the ESPN audience. He explained why Michigan State is his pick to win the national championship, saying, "Tom Izzo is a great tournament coach. He knows how to motivate folks and he knows how to coach. … Bring it home for me. It’s been a while since I’ve won my pool."

Mariotti misses a huge oppertunity to call for impeachment here. Obama is admitting to gambling on sports. The fact that hes betting on Michigan state tells me 2 things:

1. He owes the unions some favors and

2. He clearly thinks Tom Izzo is like Jay Zs verions of Chris Gaines.

He chose Florida, Louisville and Arizona as his other Final Four teams, lauding the work of Florida coach Billy Donovan and Louisville coach Rick Pitino by name.

if Jay Mariotti can squeeze in time between sentencesing hearings to write a sports column I think the President can wedge in a few minutes to do a bracket in between vacations.

Bush would of at least called them by his own made up nick names- "Mickey Slick" and "Whoppy Cum-Leg."

Amazingly, he knew how to pronounce the last name of Kansas center Joel Embiid — "Em-beed," he said correctly, something even avid sports fans might not get right

Between Joel Embiid and calling Pakistan Pah-key-stahn,, Im sick of this President pronouncing things the correct way almost like hes rubbing it in Ws face. We get it Barack, your well-spoken, but now your just seeming uppity with all your $5 pronounciations.

Embiid might also be the name of his Iman. Note to my self to dig deeper on this.

— knew that Michigan State’s "(Keith) Appling and (Adreian) Payne" have returned from injuries, knew all about Creighton scoring machine Doug McDermott and even knew the names of Arizona’s best two players.

Doug McDermott is literally the Keith Van Horn of Steve Wojehowski comparisons. So its ironic that Obama knows him but struggles to apply any teachings out’ve the book of Doug. I mean the guy literally punches a time card when hes checking in and out of games. McDermott only gets scholarship money relative to the time hes actually working,, he doesnt go out there demanding a free iPhone or food stamps for his hungry children like some heartless bully.

Do you know the names of Arizona’s two best players? I knew only one, Aaron Gordon, before thinking hard and remembering Nick Johnson.

"Thinking hard" obviously=Googling.

The President of the United States knew their names.

Wish I could say the same about the Benghazi people.

Was he prepped by an aide? I wish I could say yes, but the man watches this stuff, studies this stuff, bones up so much on college basketball and all sports that his passion begs a question.

Why isnt there a White March Madness?

Im all in favor of slamming Obracket, but lets not give him credit for being a ultimate sports fan when he has yet to make a hilarous Buffalo Wild Wings overtime joke for when he gets a last minute extension of the debt ceiling.

Shouldn’t the POTUS be devoting his time and energy to more urgent matters? Never have we seen an American President so immersed in sports.

George W Bush literaly owned the Texas Rangers. Gerald Ford was a all- american, and Teddy Rosevelt could of whipped your butt in football even if he had Franklins legs. Im all in favor of slamming Obracket, but lets not give him credit for being a ultimate sports fan when he has yet to make a hilarous Buffalo Wild Wings overtime joke for when he gets a last minute extension of the debt ceiling.

That might not be relevant

Column could of ended here IMO.

if Obama, in the eyes of many Americans, also wasn’t among this nation’s most ineffective and inert leaders.

While were making struggling attempts at a literation, hes also ineligible (Kenya).

It’s one thing to invite championship teams into the backyard to honor them, quite another to know enough about North Dakota State to forecast a second-round upset of Oklahoma. I am convinced Obama escapes to a private area of the White House and calls sports talk shows, going on the air as "Barry from Bethesda."

"Look. Now lets be clear. Joe Flacco is a Elite quarterback Greenie. Thats all there is to it. I mean, look. The man won a Superbowl. I’ll ahhhhhhhhhhh… I’ll hang up and listen."

Think not?

If you think Obama could last one minute in my world of sports fandom you have a nother think coming. Its disrespectful to the office of Ultimate Fans to try to compare Barry Soetoro Hussains athletic knowledge to mine.

Now Putin, theres a fella who knows his sports. Big sports type guys like me get in to parking lot fistfights after a good NFL game,, Putin watches his team win the olympics and invades a country- now THATS a sports fan.

Lets face it, Obamas a pushover. As far as world leaders go, hes less Wilt Chamberlain and more Nevil Chamberlain folks.

As a panelist on ESPN’s "Around The Horn" for eight years, I was reminded often that Obama watched our program and "Pardon The Interruption." And while that was cool in a way, it also was unsettling.

Just realized: for a wimp who seems to "thinkpeace" all the time its kind of odd how he refuses to release a longform column or birth certifcate.

Didn’t he have more important things to do than watch me yell at Woody Paige for flubbing a name?

Well that wasnt Obama watching you, it was a Californa Police Officer. And it wasnt Woody Paige, it was a escort with a black eye who forgot that you like to be called "Jumbo."

A president should have hobbies and diversions from a hellish job, I realize. But during his two terms, Obama sometimes has seemed preoccupied, if not obsessed. Any other president, if finding any time to fill out a bracket, probably would spend 90 seconds on it and laugh.

I like to have some fun with it and say the only Obama Final Four I care about is 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016 fokls.

But whats Obama trying to tell us with his final four of 2 number 1 seats and 2 number 4 seats?

4+4+1-1= 9

4-4+11= 11

dear god

Barack is awfully serious about his. "I know these are not imaginative picks, but I think they’re the right ones," he said, defiantly.

Almost like he rapped that quote in a way.

I met Obama when he was a junior state senator in Illinois and I was a Chicago sports columnist. I also might be one reason why he has his current job.

Hes heating up.

At one point, he faced a daunting race against a Republican challenger named Mike Ditka. No one is more popular in those parts than Da Coach, but one day, knowing how sleazy politics can be (particularly in that state), I wrote a column urging Ditka to reconsider based on lies and embellishments that might be spread about his private life. Days later, Ditka bowed out.

Instead of losing and fading away, Obama won.

So blame me for President Sports Geek.

Yes Jay. Your column was very pro-Ditka and looking out for his best interests Im glad he listened to you about all those bad fokls out there who would make a embellishment about his private life. By the way heres the very first line from that colum:

Sorry, but the great state of Illinois cannot be represented in Washington by Sen. Limp Ditka.

And, yes, the Malaysia Airlines jetliner is still missing.

Brillant move there Jay bringing the column full circle just like we wish a certain 777 captain would of done. This is a masterstroke by Jay right here. Its called a plane sandwich. He starts out talking about the plane then doesnt menton it or tie it in really to basketball Obama, or anything realy and then uses it as the kicker. By doign this hes making a inception of the plane in your head, and making it Obamas fault. Jays playing chess while Obamas playing dominos no offense.

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