I just realized that before teams start choosing folks in the upcoming NFL Draft, they will need to read some scouting reports. Otherwise, they won't have a good idea of who the heck they're drafting. That's why we've decided to write up some handy observations for every player likely to be taken in the first round, according to our bloggers.
I'm kind of new at writing scouting reports, so I figure I'll take a lead from noted NFL scout Nolan Nawrocki. On Ohio State's Bradley Roby, he writes:
How to speak like a scout
How to speak like a scout
WEAKNESSES Has a small, wiry frame and size is just adequate -- can be boxed out by tall receivers and outmuscled for "50-50" balls. Short on length and strength to jam and reroute bigger receivers. Gets wired to blocks. Durability could be an issue given his physical playing style. Could stand to iron out his pedal. Gets caught peeking -- lets receivers behind him and is vulnerable to double moves. Misses some 1-on-1 tackles in space. Performance was uneven as a junior -- did not dominate. Character should be looked into.
Using computer software, I posted the most important sentence in boldface. Spencer Hall and I have no idea what "iron out his pedal" means, but below, he and I will do our best to follow suit, and reproduce what happens when the DraftBot 3000 starts misfiring on the English language.
No. 1, Houston Texans: Teddy Bridgewater
Could stand to embiggen his waffle-tossers. Has never used a concrete wrench.
No. 2, St. Louis Rams: Johnny Manziel
Out of color ink, please replace cartridge. Thanks.
No. 3, Jacksonville Jaguars: Jadeveon Clowney
Needs breastplate hammering.
No. 4, Cleveland Browns: Greg Robinson
Bid whist skills beg for steam cleaning.
No. 5, Oakland Raiders: Blake Bortles
Is a donut in the middle of the Sun.
No. 6, Atlanta Falcons: Khalil Mack
Opposing offensive coordinators grind their teeth 'til a workman's gravy is made of their tooth-dust and spittle. Would you like some? Would you like some? Have some. Have some! God is a thermos.
No. 7, Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Sammy Watkins
Torque bar out of line, replace with ham baton.
No. 8, Minnesota Vikings: Derek Carr
Kind of like 5.22222222222222222222222222222222222222222222.
No. 9, Buffalo Bills: Mike Evans
Not just throwing darts
Not just throwing darts
No. 10, Detroit Lions: Jake Matthews
Tends to clean the gutters with his eyes, not his penis.
No. 11, Tennessee Titans: Anthony Barr
Motor is questionable. Was caught lying to plumbers on critical downs.
No. 12, New York Giants: Taylor Lewan
A dresser-drawer full of nickels and batteries, rotating through the baggage claim without an owner, forever and ever. Needs a pink tag.
No. 13, St. Louis Rams: HaHa Clinton-Dix
I don't know. However, I am Jesus Christ.
No. 14, Chicago Bears: Calvin Pryor
550 miles to Bakersfield and out of bullets. [grim stare into distance]
No. 15, Pittsburgh Steelers: Aaron Donald
Real strong knee puller. Pulled the knees off a rhino and laughed. Rhinos don't like him.
No. 16, Dallas Cowboys: Zack Martin
Damn! I wish I was Zack Martin. Hi, I'm Sophie B. Hawkins, here for Zack Martin.
No. 17, Baltimore Ravens: Brandin Cooks
OR DOES HE
No. 18, New York Jets: Eric Ebron
His torso is a wormhole to Germany. Greetings from Germany.
No. 19, Miami Dolphins: C.J. Mosley
Leaper. Bounder. On your roof. Get off my roof, the cops don't respect me.
No. 20, Arizona Cardinals: Kony Ealy
License plates frustrate him because they say things sometimes and then they don't!!!!
No. 21, Green Bay Packers: Ryan Shazier
Here, take the wheel. I'm going to knock over this Toys for Tots bin with a shovel.
No. 22, Philadelphia Eagles: Kyle Fuller
You're not a recon marine, you're not even a veteran, get out of Captain D's it's for officers only.
No. 23, Kansas City Chiefs: Odell Beckham, Jr.
Big hands? What are in them? Priceless jewels no man ever really possesses.
No. 24, Cincinnati Bengals: Justin Gilbert
Well; I think that;
No. 25, San Diego Chargers: Bradley Roby
A runner. Big hands. Runs with his big hands and drinks coffee with his feet while cursing out the managers at my work. Bad insane bossman. Anyways, welcome to Target.
No. 26, Cleveland Browns: Darqueze Dennard
Why draft a Darqueze Dennard when you can simply hold family craft night and make your very own Darqueze Dennard out of popsicle sticks and yarn.
No. 27, New Orleans Saints: Kelvin Benjamin
His tallness is slow and he rises from sitting like a can of freshly opened biscuits.
No. 28, Carolina Panthers: Marqise Lee
Where's the missing 'u' in his name why that's "you" and your NFL team he's just waiting to join and help win a pro bowl game
No. 29, New England Patriots: Dee Ford
Upon speaking honestly, becomes a 75-year-old sportswriter with an NPR segment.
No. 30, San Francisco 49ers: Jason Verrett
This holiday season, it's up to him to save Christmas ... any which way he knows how! I am banned from the library
No. 31, Denver Broncos: Xavier Su'a-Filo
The last time there were this many dashes and apostrophes in a name, it was in a blatantly racist alien character George Lucas wrote into a scene involving foreign aliens! --Rick Reilly, really!
No. 32, Seattle Seahawks: Ra'Shede Hageman
End of post. Post was written by Jon and Spencer.