Jon and Spencer's NFL Draft scouting reports

Scott Olmos-USA TODAY Sports

What does "could stand to iron out his pedal" even mean? In keeping with NFL Draft dada-speak, Jon Bois and Spencer Hall offer their scouting reports for this year's top prospects.

I just realized that before teams start choosing folks in the upcoming NFL Draft, they will need to read some scouting reports. Otherwise, they won't have a good idea of who the heck they're drafting. That's why we've decided to write up some handy observations for every player likely to be taken in the first round, according to our bloggers.

I'm kind of new at writing scouting reports, so I figure I'll take a lead from noted NFL scout Nolan Nawrocki. On Ohio State's Bradley Roby, he writes:

WEAKNESSES Has a small, wiry frame and size is just adequate -- can be boxed out by tall receivers and outmuscled for "50-50" balls. Short on length and strength to jam and reroute bigger receivers. Gets wired to blocks. Durability could be an issue given his physical playing style. Could stand to iron out his pedal. Gets caught peeking -- lets receivers behind him and is vulnerable to double moves. Misses some 1-on-1 tackles in space. Performance was uneven as a junior -- did not dominate. Character should be looked into.

Using computer software, I posted the most important sentence in boldface. Spencer Hall and I have no idea what "iron out his pedal" means, but below, he and I will do our best to follow suit, and reproduce what happens when the DraftBot 3000 starts misfiring on the English language.

No. 1, Houston Texans: Teddy Bridgewater

Could stand to embiggen his waffle-tossers. Has never used a concrete wrench.

No. 2, St. Louis Rams: Johnny Manziel

Out of color ink, please replace cartridge. Thanks.

No. 3, Jacksonville Jaguars: Jadeveon Clowney

Needs breastplate hammering.

No. 4, Cleveland Browns: Greg Robinson

Bid whist skills beg for steam cleaning.

No. 5, Oakland Raiders: Blake Bortles

Is a donut in the middle of the Sun.

No. 6, Atlanta Falcons: Khalil Mack

Opposing offensive coordinators grind their teeth 'til a workman's gravy is made of their tooth-dust and spittle. Would you like some? Would you like some? Have some. Have some! God is a thermos.

No. 7, Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Sammy Watkins

Torque bar out of line, replace with ham baton.

No. 8, Minnesota Vikings: Derek Carr

Kind of like 5.22222222222222222222222222222222222222222222.

No. 9, Buffalo Bills: Mike Evans


No. 10, Detroit Lions: Jake Matthews

Tends to clean the gutters with his eyes, not his penis.

No. 11, Tennessee Titans: Anthony Barr

Motor is questionable. Was caught lying to plumbers on critical downs.

No. 12, New York Giants: Taylor Lewan

A dresser-drawer full of nickels and batteries, rotating through the baggage claim without an owner, forever and ever. Needs a pink tag.

No. 13, St. Louis Rams: HaHa Clinton-Dix

I don't know. However, I am Jesus Christ.

No. 14, Chicago Bears: Calvin Pryor

550 miles to Bakersfield and out of bullets. [grim stare into distance]

No. 15, Pittsburgh Steelers: Aaron Donald

Real strong knee puller. Pulled the knees off a rhino and laughed. Rhinos don't like him.

No. 16, Dallas Cowboys: Zack Martin

Damn! I wish I was Zack Martin. Hi, I'm Sophie B. Hawkins, here for Zack Martin.

No. 17, Baltimore Ravens: Brandin Cooks


No. 18, New York Jets: Eric Ebron

His torso is a wormhole to Germany. Greetings from Germany.

No. 19, Miami Dolphins: C.J. Mosley

Leaper. Bounder. On your roof. Get off my roof, the cops don't respect me.

No. 20, Arizona Cardinals: Kony Ealy

License plates frustrate him because they say things sometimes and then they don't!!!!

No. 21, Green Bay Packers: Ryan Shazier

Here, take the wheel. I'm going to knock over this Toys for Tots bin with a shovel.

No. 22, Philadelphia Eagles: Kyle Fuller

You're not a recon marine, you're not even a veteran, get out of Captain D's it's for officers only.

No. 23, Kansas City Chiefs: Odell Beckham, Jr.

Big hands? What are in them? Priceless jewels no man ever really possesses.

No. 24, Cincinnati Bengals: Justin Gilbert

Well; I think that;

No. 25, San Diego Chargers: Bradley Roby

A runner. Big hands. Runs with his big hands and drinks coffee with his feet while cursing out the managers at my work. Bad insane bossman. Anyways, welcome to Target.

No. 26, Cleveland Browns: Darqueze Dennard

Why draft a Darqueze Dennard when you can simply hold family craft night and make your very own Darqueze Dennard out of popsicle sticks and yarn.

No. 27, New Orleans Saints: Kelvin Benjamin

His tallness is slow and he rises from sitting like a can of freshly opened biscuits.

No. 28, Carolina Panthers: Marqise Lee

Where's the missing 'u' in his name why that's "you" and your NFL team he's just waiting to join and help win a pro bowl game

No. 29, New England Patriots: Dee Ford

Upon speaking honestly, becomes a 75-year-old sportswriter with an NPR segment.

No. 30, San Francisco 49ers: Jason Verrett

This holiday season, it's up to him to save Christmas ... any which way he knows how! I am banned from the library

No. 31, Denver Broncos: Xavier Su'a-Filo

The last time there were this many dashes and apostrophes in a name, it was in a blatantly racist alien character George Lucas wrote into a scene involving foreign aliens! --Rick Reilly, really!

No. 32, Seattle Seahawks: Ra'Shede Hageman

End of post. Post was written by Jon and Spencer.

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