We simply can't wait for WrestleMania XXX, happening Sunday night at the Mercedes-Benz Superdome in New Orleans. The festivities kick off with a live pre-show beginning at 5 p.m. ET, before moving to the pay-per-view proper (also available on the WWE Network) at 7 p.m. ET.
But what if you haven't watched WWE since last year's WrestleMania? What if you haven't watched wrestling at all in the past few years? Well, never fear, because we're here to help. We'll get you all caught up, run down the entire card and let you know the feuds, fights and Fandangos that brought everyone to the grandest stage of them all for the 30th WrestleMania. (Spoiler: there aren't really any Fandangos to discuss.)
WWE Tag Team Championship: The Usos (c) vs. Los Matadores vs. The Real Americans vs. Ryback & Curtis Axel
The backstory: The Usos are the first truly likable good-guy tag team since ... man, I dunno. Like the British Bulldogs, or something. It's been a while. They're terrific, they have matching facepaint, they do a haka as part of their entrance and they're a lot of fun to watch. They won the tag titles last month by defeating the New Age Outlaws, if you can believe it. Now they get to defend them against the few other regular tag teams in the WWE. Los Matadores are a pair of bullfighters who are accompanied to the ring by El Torito, a tiny man in a bull costume. Somehow, all of the above is great. The Real Americans are comprised of Cesaro and Jack Swagger, two pro-American, anti-immigration brutes led by right-wing nutjob Zeb Colter. Cesaro (a preposterously strong Swiss man) has won the affection of the crowds and there has been dissent between him and Swagger for some time. Ryback and Curtis Axel are two other wrestlers.
Why you should care: Because this will probably be spectacularly fun. This is the live pre-show match, which will stream exclusively on the WWE Network. These eight men wrestled in a four-on-four match on Monday and it was spectacular. The WrestleMania match might be even better. You may also see the split between the Real Americans finally take place, with 80,000 fans giving Cesaro a spectacular ovation to kick off the night. Or you might just see a small bull flying around and giving everyone hurracanranas. That's fun, too.
Vickie Guerrero Divas Championship Invitational
The backstory: AJ Lee has been Divas Champion for a record-setting 290-plus days. Part of that reign is thanks to her bruiser of a bodyguard, Tamina Snuka. She's earned the ire of every other Diva on the roster, especially those that comprise the cast of E!'s Total Divas reality show. So at WrestleMania, SmackDown! general manager Vickie Guerrero has decreed that she must defend her title against ... everyone. AJ will step into the ring against her bodyguard Tamina, as well as Aksana, Alicia Fox, Brie Bella, Cameron, Emma, Eva Marie, Layla, Naomi, Natalya, Nikki Bella, Rosa Mendes and Summer Rae. It's a 14-woman fight ... and the first pinfall or submission results in the winner and Divas Champion.
Why you should care: Because boy howdy might this be a train wreck. It's a 14-person match ... and not a battle royale (we'll get to that next). There are some incredibly talented wrestlers in the mix here. There is also Eva Marie. This is the only match on the card that could turn into a legitimate fiasco, however. It really wouldn't be WrestleMania without one.
The Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royale
The backstory: Hulk Hogan returned to WWE to become the host of this year's WrestleMania. His first act was to announce the inaugural Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royale. 30 WWE Superstars will compete in this traditional over-the-top-rope battle royale, with the winner receiving a bronze trophy in the likeness of that king of battles royale, Andre the Giant. This looks like it will become a tradition, which we're totally fine with.
The announced participants: Dolph Ziggler, Intercontinental Champion Big E, Fandango, Alberto Del Rio, Damien Sandow, Titus O'Neil, Christian, Sheamus, Big Show, Mark Henry, Heath Slater, Jinder Mahal, Drew McIntyre, Cody Rhodes, Goldust, Kofi Kingston, The Miz, Brodus Clay, Darren Young, Justin Gabriel, Rey Mysterio, R-Truth, Santino Marella, The Great Khali, Zack Ryder, Sin Cara, Brad Maddox and three mystery competitors!
Why you should care: Because it's a battle royale. Also because WWE found a cool way to get an additional 30 people a WrestleMania payday, which is wonderfully magnanimous. They have been pushing pretty hard that Big Show -- a man who was once billed as Andre the Giant's son -- is the overwhelming favorite to win, so look for "anyone but Big Show" to take home the trophy. Also, one of the three mystery competitors is probably Rob Van Dam, if you're into that sort of thing. (By "that sort of thing," I mean somersaults and tights with yin-yangs on them.)
The Shield vs. Kane & the New Age Outlaws
Good God Almighty
Good God Almighty
The backstory: The Shield are a trio of men (Seth Rollins, Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns) who arrived in the WWE as "Hounds of Justice:" sometimes-hired guns who took it upon themselves to bring a sense of balance to the lumbering, top-heavy promotion. Somewhere along the way, everyone realized that Roman Reigns is a golden god and will probably be the biggest star in the world at some point. They turned on The Authority (Triple H, Stephanie McMahon and the turned-corporate Kane) and after teasing dissent among themselves, have been basically setting the world on fire. Kane wears dress slacks and an A-shirt in the ring now and the New Age Outlaws -- buddies of Stephanie and Triple H -- are setting out to make the Shield shut up and fall in line.
Why you should care: Because you need to get in on the ground floor of Roman Reigns now, before he becomes the next Rock and all your friends are wearing ROMAN REIGNS T-shirts and you don't know what's happening. Also, if you like nostalgia: the New Age Outlaws. Also, Seth Rollins will land on his head or neck at least six times in this match, because he's a legitimate maniac and his dial only has one setting: SUPER MAXIMUM.
John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt
The backstory: Bray Wyatt is the leader of the Wyatt Family, a creepy bayou cult that is intent on tearing down heroes to prove they're not as powerful as they'd like everyone to believe. No one is a bigger hero or is more powerful than John Cena, so Bray has set his sights on destroying him. Cena says he's not afraid, but somehow we don't quite believe him.
Why you should care: Because few people are better at telling a story in the ring than these two. And because there's a real chance that John Cena might lose a match at WrestleMania and in doing so, create the next main-event bad guy in Bray Wyatt.
The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar
The backstory: The Undertaker has never been defeated at WrestleMania with a streak of 21-0. But former UFC, WWE and NCAA champion Brock Lesnar has made it his mission to snap that streak. These two monsters will collide on Sunday.
Why you should care: Because the capital-S Streak is the last thing in pro wrestling that really means anything. Because Undertaker wrestling in 22 out of 30 WrestlesMania is a staggering achievement no matter how you slice it (especially considering just how hard-hitting the last 10 of those matches have been). And because it's Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar. Daaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnggggg.
Triple H vs. Daniel Bryan
The backstory: Daniel Bryan is short, hairy and kind of a hippie. In other words: he's no Randy Orton. As such, the Authority don't believe he should be the face of the WWE. He's not an "A" player, they say, but he is a solid "B-plus." As such, every time he's gotten close to the WWE Championship (including the one time he won it -- from John Cena), the Authority has screwed him out of it. They don't think he should be in the main event, or representing their company. In response, Bryan has led a "Yes Movement," getting arenas and television audiences on his side, demanding that he be given a chance to wrestle for the title. After much strife, he has been given that chance. If he wins this match, he will be entered into the main event for a shot at the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. Triple H, meanwhile, has gotten sick of everyone -- including champion Randy Orton and No. 1 contender Batista. He believes everyone is so inept that the only person he can count on to be the face of the company is himself. Therefore, if HE wins his match against Bryan, HE will enter the main event.
Why you should care: Because the crowd is going to go absolutely bonkers. Because this is the best-built feud in years. And because this just might be the night that Daniel Bryan goes all the way to the top.
WWE World Heavyweight Championship: Randy Orton (c) vs. Batista vs. winner of Daniel Bryan-Triple H match
The backstory: See above. All of the Daniel Bryan-Triple H backstory, plus the following: Randy Orton has been a dominant champion, but has needed a little help from the Authority and has been kind of a weasel. He doubts his own ability and looks to the Authority for moral support that he desperately craves but doesn't need. Batista, meanwhile, has come back from a four-year absence (conveniently, a few months before he has a movie to promote) and immediately won the Royal Rumble, guaranteeing his main event match at WrestleMania. The fans turned on him, so he turned on THEM. You don't like him? That's okay, he's just going to wear skinny jeans and sunglasses indoors anyway. Deal with it.
Why you should care: Because it's the main event of WrestleMania. Don't be surprised if both Daniel Bryan AND Triple H get added to the match as part of some screwjob, making it a Fatal Four-Way. In that case, it would be three bad guys against Daniel Bryan. Then you can feel free to cheer your heart out. It's going to be a lot of fun. Which is what WrestleMania is all about.
The main card of WrestleMania XXX will begin at 7 p.m. ET. This year, there will be a two-hour pre-show, beginning at 5 p.m. ET. The free live pre-show will stream on YouTube, Facebook and WWE.com until 6 p.m. ET. At that time, the pre-show moves exclusively to the WWE Network and will feature a four-way WWE Tag Team Championship match. There will also be a half-hour global pre-show, likely featuring hype videos and recap packages, which will be available on YouTube.