'Game of Thrones' scorecard: A lot between now and never

EAT THE CAT FOOD! EAT IT! - HBO

All season long, we're keeping score in "Game of Thrones." Why? Because these prisoners aren't just gonna impale themselves, pal.

This "Game of Thrones" discussion is written by someone who has read George R.R. Martin's books but will generally only discuss events that have happened on the HBO's televised version. Please respect these boundaries should you choose to participate in the comments section.

Episode 4.7: "Mockingbird"

FINAL SCORE: Violence 8, Sex 2

(Note: the baseline for the score is dead bodies versus nude bodies, though the reviewer added a bonus point for Violence this week, because he has a thing for intestines on the ground.)

Violence

Totals: One overhead impaling; one set of entrails spilled; a few sword-hack-induced blood showers; two men done in with stabs to the heart (one mercy, one revenge); one neck gruesomely snapped; the destruction of a snow castle and the resultant slap of a little boy; one jealous wife shoved into freefall.

Notes: My God, look at this form:

Tumblr_n5stpi9xlj1sh9j8fo6_r1_250_medium

That flourish! Sure, Littlefinger only murders people to improve his own position, but that doesn't mean he doesn't enjoy it. I don't care for "swagger" as an adjective, but I'm at a loss for a better one to describe a man making jazz hands as he pushes his wife to her death.

Last Week's Scorecard

Sex

Totals: One bared sellsword ass, one pair of breasts exposed at length during a leisurely bath, one creepy kiss.

Notes: Carice van Houten is the Dutch actress who plays Melisandre, and we owe it to her to remember her name. I say this because, based solely on cumulative breast-viewing time, I've now been more intimate with her than some of the people I've dated. So at least spare her the indignity of you saying that she's "the fire lady with Stannis." Carice -- like the Chevy minus a P -- van Houten, like Milhouse from "The Simpsons."

Also, for no reason whatsoever, here she is making a banana look exotic and dangerous.

How YOU Doin'?

Daario-butt

(via @xmasape)

Author George R.R. Martin and showrunners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss are all straight white men, and the show's nudity, not surprisingly, reflects their tastes. As a result, critics have long questioned its portrayals of sex: it spawned the term "sexposition," after all, and it's been notably tone-deaf about rape this season.

Still, whatever gripes you might have about heteronormativity, the depiction of sexual violence, and/or the casual display of Melisandre's R'Hallor-sculpted breasts, can we at least agree that Daenerys ordering Daario to strip and then eyeing him like a side of sizzling bacon was kind of terrific to watch?

Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, Mother of Dragons, Wearer of Torso Windows

Dany

Hey! Hey. Did you hear about the sale in Meereen? Twenty percent off all the queen's dresses! AYYYYYYYYYYY

Gregor Clegane 3.0

Clegane

The Gregor Clegane you see impaling, slicing, and hacking prisoners in Season 4 is not the same Mountain who decapitated a horse in Season 1. Nor is he the knight in charge of Harrenhal during Season 2's "hot rat" torture scene. He is Icelandic strongman Hafþór Júlíus "Thor" Björnsson, and he is the third different actor to play the role.

Got a problem with that? He's six-foot-nine and covered with blood. Tell him yourself.

#TrueDetectiveSeason2 Rankings

1. Arya and the Hound

2. Tyrion and Bronn

3. Tyrion and Oberyn

4. Tyrion and Jaime

5. Fine, Tyrion and ANYONE

Like Husband, Like Wife

Slap1_medium Slap2_medium

(via hookedbyneverland)

Congratulations are in order for Sansa Stark, graduate of the Tyrion Lannister Slapping Entitled Bitch-Boys Academy.

I let out a triumphant laugh when Sansa cracked Robin Arryn across the face and sent the little whelp running for mommy's teat. This is what "Game of Thrones" does to a viewer: you cheer when little boys get slapped or poisoned to death; you admire the guy who has sex with his sister; you root for the girl ordering scores of crucifixions; and your favorite characters are a drunken whoring dwarf and a pre-teen girl with a taste for murder.

"Nothing isn't better or worse than anything. Nothing is just nothing."

Whoa now, Arya. Go ahead and kill the people on your enemies list, but slow down with the Nietzsche. There's not enough eyeliner in Westeros to support a teenage nihilist.

Radical Developments in Wolfbread Technology

Season 2:

Tumblr_n5swfj1qcl1s4pi7to2_1280

Season 4:

Tumblr_n5swfj1qcl1s4pi7to1_1280

Season 6:

Nymeria

"I swear to god it's bread."

Miscellaneous

Piles of guts walked over: 1

Tyrion visitors: 3

Advisers ruthlessly manipulated: 2

Arya-freed prisoner death rate: .667

Facts about kidney pie: SHUUUUUUT UPPPPPP

Dongs admired: 1

Number of bodysuits Cathy Dennis wore in the "Touch Me (All Night Long)" video that had the same cleavage-window as Daenerys's first dress: 3

DNP, Coach's Decision

Tywin and Tommen; Bran, Hodor, and the kid from Love, Actually; Missandei and Grey Worm; Theon/Reek and Ramsay Snow/Shitface; dragons of any kind; Stannis and Davos; any and all Tyrells; the Titan of Braavos; Shae; Mance Rayder and the wildlings; Jaqen H'ghar; Ser Pounce.

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