'Game of Thrones' scorecard: Burnt bunnies and dog reunions

"You killed my father. Prepare to die." - HBO

All season long, we're keeping score in "Game of Thrones." This is the closest thing that TV recaps have to advanced stats.

This "Game of Thrones" discussion is written by someone who has read George R.R. Martin's books but will generally only discuss events that have happened on the HBO's televised version. Please respect these boundaries should you choose to participate in the comments section.

Episode 4.5: "First of His Name"

FINAL SCORE: Violence 10, Sex 1

(Note: the baseline for the score is typically dead bodies versus nude bodies, though the reviewer reserves the right to add or subtract points for style, or lack thereof.)

Violence

Totals: One young girl backhanded by a mailed fist, one dead rabbit set aflame and stomped out; two hands held with uncomfortable pressure exhibited by a jealous aunt; one midnight melee by firelight resulting in a violent neck-snapping, a sword thrust through the back of the head and out of a mouth, a direwolf revenge-mauling, and arson.

"Wait, did you say a sword came out of someone's mouth?" Indeed I did.

Sword

Please don't question the awkward and unnecessary angle of the sword, and don't wonder, "Wouldn't it have been easier to chop off his head?" This show has DONE beheadings, okay? What it hasn't done is give you a sword popping out of a villain's mouth, triggering the kind of adrenaline rush usually only experienced by bank robbers, Red Bull-sponsored athletes, and mothers deadlifting minivans to save their children. So just enjoy it, okay?

Notes: The show dialed it back this week with merely the threat of rape, which is a big step forward after on-screen rapes in each of the last two episodes. So great job, "Game of Thrones"! I made you a sign:

Got

Sex

Totals: One woman's promise that she's gonna keep the whole damn castle awake with orgasmic screams, and the subsequent fulfillment of that promise. Oh hey, Sansa, you look tired! Did you not sleep well?

Notes: It was a terrible effort from Sex this week, with the team's sole point awarded as a bonus for the sheer freakiness of Lysa Arryn. Not that it was unexpected, as the show opened with one of the sadder images you'll see on HBO:

Adultcontent

Right up front -- even before the credits roll -- you know you're getting an hour with zero nudity and zero sexual content of note. Team Sex simply ran up the white flag this week, the TV equivalent of watching your favorite football team start John Skelton at quarterback.

Cersei Lannister Winewatch

The Queen Regent didn't even finish her glass while meeting with her father, who broke the news of the family's growing money troubles. And she was plenty sober running interference between Tommen and Margaery:

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Tumblr_n52y5abirr1rq86cxo1_500_medium

(h/t pizzahottie)

An Incomplete List of Things Robert Baratheon Did That Bothered Tywin Lannister

Last Week's Scorecard

- Patted him on the back a lot

- Constantly borrowed money

- Used his deodorant

- Failed to produce a true heir, resulting in the whole Stannis thing

- Drank a flagon of Dornish wine he'd been saving for after destroying the Starks

- close talker

- Called him "Ty"

#TrueDetectiveSeason2 Rankings

1. JON AND GHOST

Ghost_medium

I call bullshit on this scene. It should have lasted three minutes and included tussling, hugging, crying, and the voices we only ever use for dogs and babies. Instead it's like, "Oh hey, animal whose life I saved and raised from infancy. I thought you were gone forever, but it's nice to see you again." Honestly, I worry that no one on the writing staff has ever owned a dog.

2. Arya and the Hound

3. Daenerys and the leathery sun-baked facial creases that communicate Jorah Mormont's impossible longing.

9. Brienne and Podrick

22. Cersei and Margaery. As HBO shows go, this relationship is more "Curb Your Enthusiasm" than "True Detective."

The Architect of a Kingdom's Demise Gets Outmaneuvered

"Of course, my dear! We'll get married just as soon as we can invite the other lords of the Eyrie and plan a proper celebra--

"No guests, you say? Well, I suppose we could marry a bit earlier, but there's still the issue of paperwork, and City Hall's only open--"

"So you did, yes. So many forms! I'd hate to fill these out incorrectly, though, so I'll retire to my quarters to give these my full attention--"

"I just sign where the stickers are? And your lawyers reviewed everything? Alas, if only I had a pen --- naturally, yes, and SO thoughtful of you, dear Lysa, to have a choice of six different ink colors depending on my mood. My mood is so EAGER, Lysa, why, I will marry you tonight, but I've spent WEEKS at sea without a bath, so I'll just take my leave and--"

"Oh! You've brought the septon and witnesses. Had them ready from the moment I set foot inside. How ... marvelous. Just really great. I'm so happy. I will now turn the corners of my mouth upward to make my broadest smile, such is my joy."

Baelish

Miscellaneous

Rabbits skinned: 0

Rabbits burned: 1

Night's Watch turncoats eliminated: 11 (or 12, counting Locke)

Questionable/admirable decisions made by Craster's wife/daughters: 2 (stabbing Karl in the back to save Jon Snow, and burning down the ONLY SHELTER THEY'VE EVER KNOWN)

Starks stabbed: 2. (It runs in the family.)

Money owed to the Iron Bank: a tremendous amount.

How much: I said A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT, okay?

DNP, Coach's Decision

Tyrion; Jaime (shown, but no lines); Bronn; DRAGONS, AGAIN; the Iron Bank; Ellaria Sand; the Mountain; Stannis and Team Dragonstone; all parties in the coming Bolton-Greyjoy fracas; inappropriate breast-feeding; snow zombies; proper skinning technique; Summer; Mormont's skull; Ser Pounce.

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