'Game of Thrones' scorecard: a Father's Day to remember

Pictured: Brienne of Tarth (left), SB Nation NBA editor Mike Prada

The "Game of Thrones" scorecard is the Internet's best (and perhaps only) catalogue of the show's sex and violence. Come for the ear-biting and funeral pyres, stay for the Princess Bride theory that will shock the Internet.

This "Game of Thrones" discussion is written by someone who has read George R.R. Martin's books but will generally only discuss events that have happened on the HBO's televised version. Please respect these boundaries should you choose to participate in the comments section.

Episode 4.10, "The Children"

FINAL SCORE: Violence 24, Sex 1

(The baseline for scoring is one point per person killed or unclothed, with bonus points awarded as necessary. This week's winning tally includes the 14 extras shown getting killed during the battle north of the Wall, the deaths of four series regulars, and half a point per zombie skeleton destroyed.)

Violence (record: 8-1-1)

Totals: Two sets of cavalry laying waste to wildling infantry; the Mountain's gross wound; a lot of corpses getting torched; one blackened toddler skeleton; a CGI zombie skeleton fight; one epic swordfight/brawl featuring crotch-punching, crotch-kicking, ear removal via the Tyson method, face-bashing with a rock, and the Hound grabbing the business end of the sword, Rob Roy-style; one whore strangled; one father shot on the commode with a crossbow.

Notes: If you want to re-watch the fight between Brienne and the Hound -- and I recommend it -- it's on YouTube (for now, at least), and I also found this bootleg on Tumblr. Otherwise, you'll have to get your hoohaw-kicking in GIF form.

Sex (record: 1-8-1)

Totals: Just a li'l incest.

Notes: Even though there was no nudity, I awarded Sex one point for consensual sex. As much of a pain in the ass as Cersei is, it's good to see her getting along with Jaime again. (getting along = table incest, obvs)

Worst. Father's Day. Ever.



Tywin Lannister was never going to win Father of the Year. Of his three grown children, two of them are having sex with each other, and the other pumped him full of crossbow bolts while he sat on the toilet. (PRO TIP: don't sleep with your son's ex-girlfriend, even if she's a prostitute.)

Last week's scorecard

But Tywin wasn't a bad guy. Maybe he didn't express love for his children well, but that's because he was busy getting shit done. He had wars to win, rebellions to crush, loans to secure to pay for the wars, an asshole grandson on the throne, three grown children who constantly disobeyed him, and no wife to serve as partner and confidant. He's just trying to keep the Lannister family strong, okay? Stop bitching and just do what he says, people!

Jaime could be back at Casterly Rock, running things and fathering legitimate children with someone from a different gene pool. If Tyrion had consummated his marriage with Sansa -- LIKE TYWIN TOLD HIM TO -- he might be up at Winterfell instead of framed for Joffrey's murder. And Cersei -- well, you can't blame her for not wanting to marry Loras Tyrell, but it would strengthen the family's economic ties to Highgarden, which is kinda necessary what with the Iron Bank looking to collect.

If they'd just listened to Tywin, the family would be in great shape. Sure, everyone would be miserable, but that's not really his concern, now, is it?

Cool Guys Don't Look at Funeral Pyres...


...they start the fire and then walk away. (GIF via)

Late Arrivals


"Oh hey, Stannis! Really cool of you to show up and cut the wildling army to pieces in a picture-perfect double envelopment. You know what would have been more helpful than taking the time to send half your army around for the pincer movement? SAVING OUR ASSES DURING THE BATTLE LAST NIGHT."


"Cool, you've got magic fire grenades that kill these zombie skeletons!

"So, hey, quick question: your pal, the old guy living in the tree roots? Yeah, so you know how he's been watching us since before we left Winterfell? And followed all of our exploits north of the Wall? Right, so assuming he knew that we were a hundred yards away, couldn't he have sent you up with some anti-zombie grenades, oh, I dunno ... like three minutes earlier?

"Not trying to be pushy or anything, it's just that my brother got stabbed to death and blown up, and if you'd been around to help us out ...

"What's that? Yeah, he WAS pretty good in Love, Actually."

(GIF via)

So if Oberyn Martell was Inigo Montoya, and Oberyn died...


As noted previously, there are distinct similarities between The Princess Bride and "Game of Thrones" that can hardly be all accidental. When Brienne bested the Hound and sent him rolling down the hill, I even thought, "AAAAAAAAAS YOUUUUUUU WIIIIIIIIIIISHHHHHHHH."

(For real, though: remake with Maisie Williams as Vizzini.)

Me when I look at my dog as I leave for work


Lemme get this straight: Drogon (the black dragon) toasts a toddler, so Dany chains up the OTHER two dragons? Whether you're raising a dog or a baby or a dragon, that's just lousy parenting. Add it to her list of titles: Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, Queen of Unnecessary Punishment, Breaker of Chains, Shitty Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Star of the Movie How Not to Train Your Dragon.

AND ALSO. Let's talk about old Fennesz, who wanted to go back into slavery because he had a good master and it was safer for him. And Dany was all, "Durrrr what to do about this one, real dilemma, how do I solve it?" Meanwhile, I was shouting "MAKE THE MASTER PAY HIM FOR HIS WORK" at the TV. Get your shit together, Dany.

(GIF via)

#TrueDetectiveSeason2 Rankings

1. Arya and the Hound. Goddammit, they were just the best. RIP Sandor Clegane.

1A. Jaime and Tyrion. Two of the best roles played by two of the best actors on the show.

Others receiving votes: nobody

The Spider-Man kiss, 'Game of Thrones'-style


It's like I always say, "Let he who has never strangled a hooker shoot the first crossbow."


- Crows nibbling on dead giant: 4

- times I didn't use "Man Bites Hound" headline this season: 2

- Dragon enchainment rate (DER): .667

- Shits given about Jojen: 0

- total number of female breasts shown this season: approximately 29 (I don't keep exact count, that would be weird)

- toasts to the dead: 2

DNP, Coach's Decision

Sansa and Littlefinger; Margaery and Tommen; Teams Dorne and Highgarden; Drogon; Khal Drogo; Didier Drogba; Rickon Stark (remember him?); Jorah Mormont; Ser Pounce; LADY STONEHEART (non-book readers: do not Google "Lady Stoneheart").

Thank you for reading the "Game of Thrones" scorecards this season. Until next year, I wish you fair winds and following seas.


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