Alan Thicke stars in a horrifying soccer promo

Short shorts, a spectacular mullet, and Alan Thicke humiliating his children

You can't embed it, so you will have to watch Alan Thicke wearing the shortest shorts a forty-year-old man has ever worn in a 1992 commercial for youth soccer over on Youtube.

There you will discover these delights:

  1. Alan Thicke was unafraid of absolutely schooling his children with his devastating ball skills.
  2. Robin Thicke was not always a sad man holding a restraining order and five hundred unsold copies of his album. Once he was just a kid in a commercial getting dominated by his dad, and smiling gamely for the camera unlike his brother, the future marijuana dispensary owner.
  3. San Diego actually had an NASL team called the "San Diego Sockers," one that did quite well despite having a name causing most adults to cringe in shame every time they heard it.
  4. San Diego still has an indoor soccer team called the Sockers, though they are not technically the same franchise and only play under the legendarily corny name.
  5. This is from 1992. Kevin Crow, the featured Socker, still has a mullet, and tv star Alan Thicke appears to be using a Flowbee for his hairstyle needs. 1992 was much closer to 1988 than it was to 2000, the past is horrible, and you should never, ever wish to return there.
  6. The men of the 20th century had a confidence in wearing short shorts a 21st century man has to consider borderline insane.
  7. "Just ask the star of Growing Pains, Alan Thicke." This construction needs to make a comeback, and it needs to be applied to even the lowliest of celebrities in all situations.
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