Kobe Bryant is not a free agent. There are no real rumors swirling around Kobe Bryant this offseason, and by all accounts, his recovery from injury is going more or less as it should be. There is no reason for Kobe Bryant to have called a press conference on Wednesday night, and so naturally Kobe Bryant has called a press conference for Wednesday night.
Kobe declined to speak to the media until the end of the World Cup semifinal you were not-watching somewhere, which gives us some time to consider what Kobe might be addressing at his mystery press conference. We might as well assume that it will be the biggest news of the NBA offseason, whatever it is. Sources have given us some sense of what Kobe might tell the assembled press:
- "I'm here to talk to you all about how Herbalife can change your life -- and give you the financial independence you've always dreamed of. I will not take any questions, and none of you can leave. The doors are locked and this is going to take about 45 minutes."
- "We're making feature films now. Big budgets, good production value, the whole deal. I play all the characters. Mamba out."
- "Remember when I had the little soft afro thing a few years ago? I was thinking of growing that again. I wanted to let everyone know about it enough in advance that they can prepare however they need to."
- "I want to address all the rumor-mongering about my recent weight gain. What the media isn't telling you is that I've been eating sports ham. It helps me do sports."
- "During my time away from the Lakers, I've had a lot of time to think. Do research. Study up on what's important. And I've come to the conclusion that Beavis is in fact Butthead's son. This sounds crazy to some of you. But let's consider the evidence."
- "I just wanted someone to talk to about how dull Argentina/Netherlands was. What the hell was that? It's like everyone out there ate a fistful of Klonopin right before the game, right?"
- "We're signing LeBron. He wants to play for the Lakers and he's going to do that. By the way, this is legally binding, just me saying this. He's really excited to play with me and Robert (Sacre)."
If your sources are telling you different, feel free to leave what you're hearing in the comments.