The 2014 college football season is a revolutionary one. Teams have settled into new conference, an undersized Playoff for the national championship was created (by friendly BCS people!), and the interest in the micro and macro of the game has smashed through whatever ceiling it met in years past.
With this understood, there’s still a predictability to the natural rhythms of the college football season, so if you don’t mind having events spoiled for you in advance, just know the following things are all going to happen this season.
1. America will miss Brent Musburger looking live at things on the sport's biggest stage. Chris Fowler is exceptional and inarguably the best replacement ABC could choose for "Saturday Night Football," but it’ll take time to get used to not as much dayliiiiiiiiiggghhhtttt.
2. A top-five team will tumble way out of the top five, and a team far from it will surge into it. We see this almost every year, and 2014 will be no exception. The tumbler is Oregon and the surger is Kansas State. That’s just how life (and Scott Frost’s offense) works.
3. After numerous examples of social media’s impact on political revolutions, the United States military activates a secret digital weapon that warring factions all elect to escape by laying down weapons: #FSUTwitter.
4. "And in a losing effort, Connor Halliday threw for an impressive [x] yards and [y] touchdowns," will be noted often. This has already begun.
5. Stanford will lose to a borderline bowl team. Heads Oregon State, tails Wazzu.
6. "CATFISHED" is what Sports Illustrated will go with as its simple cover headline under a somber, remorseful Brady Hoke.
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7. Michigan State will look sloppy in Eugene and lose by double digits because it’s early September and that’s how Michigan State football works. Defensive coordinator Pat Narduzzi will then turn some rusty knobs, and Michigan State football will finish with double-digit wins because that’s also how Michigan State football works.
8. "As good a player as [player] is, he’s an even better person," reports writer who speaks with certainty after spending a few hours with a teenager.
9. Washington defender/running back Shaq Thompson will be the new Myles Jack, UCLA's 2013 dual-threat, which makes sense because Myles Jack will be Myles Jack 2.0 and OH MY GOD PLEASE DON’T HURT ‘EM, MYLES.
10. Kevin Sumlin and Texas A&M won’t make it to the Playoff or a big bowl game. However, the university immediately invests in a Swagmarine and Swagcraft Carrier, because you never know with recruiting.
11. Tennessee will finish as a team better than its record indicates and as a consensus top-20 team heading into 2015.
12. If you don’t yet, you’ll know who Su’a Cravens is. And shame on you for not knowing who Su’a Cravens is. Idiot.
13. Florida State is going to lose to Bobby Petrino and Louisville. Nobody outside of those two fanbases will know exactly how to feel about this.
14. Somebody will shave something awesome into his head. The smart money is on a cornerback. The ideal money is on Bill Snyder.
15. Auburn will lose at Ole Miss a week after squeaking by South Carolina. At least one Nkemdiche will be to blame.
16. Lane Kiffin isn’t going to be a very good offensive coordinator for Alabama, but that’s okay. Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy, Lane Kiffin ignoring a good run game and counting on a sloppy route tree while not fully trusting his quarterback to make throws to keep drives alive ... everywhere you look!
17. Wisconsin's Tanner McEvoy, beyond having name that makes him sound like an aging club tennis pro, will emerge as a top-tier Big Ten QB. The three-headed monster of Melvin Gordon, Corey Clement, and McEvoy will come to be known as "McCleGord."
18. Oklahoma State's Mike Gundy will add another noteworthy freakout to his catalogue. C'mon, you know we're due.
19. Lou Holtz will once again compare something about college football to a ruthless, awful dictator. After spinning the wheel of [shrug], it appears he’ll make a pun along the lines of Top 25 Coaches Pol Pot.
20. Colorado is going to a bowl game. The line starts right here for the Bowlorado bandwagon.
21. With a ton of offense and basically no defense coming back, both Arizona schools will be worth staying up late to watch. "Overzona" will become a thing.
22. Did you know that Baylor defensive lineman Shawn Oakman is 6’9? Because if you don’t, you’ll be told that fun nugget over and over again by multiple broadcast teams. Six foot nine.
23. We’ll agree that new Georgia assistant Jeremy Pruitt is a much better defensive coordinator when he exclusively has clear NFL talent in his secondary.
24. In response to Oregon State's Mike Riley taking his team to In-n-Out after big road wins last year, Dana Holgorsen and West Virginia will shock Oklahoma and then keep the party going at a Morgantown convenience store with Red Bulls and Reese’s Pieces. It’s still unclear if the Reese’s Pieces will be mixed into the Red Bull.
25. Notre Dame will surprise everyone and soundly thump Flori[unfortunately, the 25th prediction is currently being investigated by Notre Dame for academic fraud].