It’s here. It’s finally here. We made it through an entire season of The Bachelor and have arrived at the finale — a sporting event as important as the Super Bowl, the World Series, the Masters, the U.S. Open, the Kentucky Derby, and the NBA Finals all rolled into one. We are so close (hopefully) to not having to see Nick Viall’s “handsome software salesman” face on our TVs every Monday night.
Oh, wait, except that we will see his face. Because this professional Bachelor is going on ABC’s Dancing With The Stars starting next week, since he can no longer be the Bachelor. I mean, he could, but sweet Jesus, it’d be a bad look if he went home without putting a ring on someone’s finger. I’m almost 100 percent sure it’s going to be Vanessa’s. She’s the image rehab he desperately needs: She’s his age, beautiful, and has a Big Heart, as evidenced by her job as a special needs teacher.
ANYWAY, HERE WE GO! BUCKLE UP, BECAUSE THIS SEASON IS ABOUT TO COMMENCE AND WE ARE ABOUT TO FIND OUR WINNER!
We start with Chris “Crest White Strips” Harrison on a live set. He’s having an absolute ball in the spotlight. This dude gets, like, three moments a season to really shine, and the shiniest is the live “After The Final Rose” show that airs post-finale, when he gets to ask the newly betrothed how happy they are to be, well, trothed.
He keeps telling us that “SOMETHING THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE IN BACHELOR HISTORY IS GOING TO OCCUR ON THIS STAGE LATER!”
And I’m like, what could it be? Do they interview the winner about her career aspirations? Do we get to have a meaningful conversation about the construct of reality TV and what we, as a society, expect from women and men in terms of modern day relationship?
I’m not holding my breath.
IT’S OFF TO FINLAND AGAIN, HERE WE GO
We’re still in goddamn Finland. Like, I knew we were gonna be, but then we keep going back to this beautiful, arctic wasteland and I’m like “Oh, my God, we’re really still here.”
You know who else is here? Nick’s entire family. They all flew to the Arctic Circle for this, including his little sister Bella. This 11-year-old has been on TV due to this stupid show so often that I am close to calling child services and being like, “Yo, is it healthy for a kid to grow up thinking you find True Love by going on The Bachelor and getting your heart publicly broken?”
Anyway, Raven shows up and they all start drinking, obviously. She already met his family when they went to his hometown of Waukesha, Wis., so she’s like hey guys, good to see you in Finland (which, to be fair, seems a lot like Wisconsin). Nick’s mom Mary takes a huge swig of wine as she gives Raven some side eye.
“It’s been emotional,” Mary says. “The other times were hard on him, we got to witness that. It wasn’t easy.”
I’m like — hey, maybe you should’ve told your son not to become a professional Bachelor. Maybe you should’ve staged an intervention. Maybe this is all your fault, Mom.
Nick’s parents say they like Raven, but you can tell that they’re actually like, eh.
There are dead animal skins hanging on the walls and covering all the furniture. ABC clearly rented out some AirBnB in suburban Finland and the producers were like, “just throw some roadkill on it, it’ll fool everyone into thinking we’re way deeper in the woods than we actually are.”
VANESSA MEETS THE FAM AND NO ONE CAN STOP CRYING
Nick’s family won’t shut up about Nick’s track record of failing on this show, and we’re like we get it, he’s fucked this up before.
Vanessa sticks the landing when she meets his family. She hits a home run. She scores a touchdown. She says all the right things and has Nicks’ mom crying within five minutes. Then she talks to his dad, and they both just start weeping.
This is very informative. It turns out that Nick’s incessant crying throughout the whole season is genetic. Over three seasons of this, the Viall family has now shed more tears on TV more than any other family in America, including the Kardashians, who’ve been on the air for approximately 15,000 seasons.
Nick’s dad is like, “Son, I hope this woman doesn’t leave you high and dry” (I’m paraphrasing, here). Basically: His family is terrified that their son is going to get humiliated again. They want him to be happy, yes, but they probably also don’t want to have to go back to Wisconsin and be like, “Yeah, our son is the worst reality TV star in the history of the genre. Does anyone have any software they need him to sell?”
VANESSA’S FINAL DATE
Wow, I can’t believe we have to watch them hang out with each other again. Can’t we just find out who wins?
Vanessa and Nick go on a horseback riding date and Nick says, “Give it a little squeeze with your thighs, you know how to do that.” Go Nick. Congrats on the sex.
They ride up to this hut and Santa opens the door. Yeah, that Santa. The Santa. Mr. Claus. Apparently he lives there. Here he is, The Bachelor’s Finnish Santa, coming to murder you in your sleep:
Nightmare fuel.
I’m Jewish, so I really want Vanessa to mess with Santa and be like, "Look, I'm Jewish, and — you're not real." But Vanessa isn’t Jewish, so that wouldn’t be kosher. Also, this isn’t the time for jokes, it’s a time to be earnest and in love.
Santa gives Vanessa a present meant to represent fertility, which isn’t presumptuous at all. Then Vanessa and Nick sit by a fire and drink out of quaint wooden mugs. She doesn’t seem super sold on the whole “getting engaged” thing, because she spends the rest of the date berating Nick and telling him she can’t believe he’s still messing around with another woman.
I’m like: I’m sorry, have you seen this show before? Do you really not know how this works?
“When I’ve been with you I’ve only thought of you,” Nick says, in an attempt to reassure her. I start slow clapping. That is an incredible move. To tell someone that you’re sleeping with other people, but that you don’t think about those other people when you’re sleeping with the person you’re talking to?
Genius. Filed away.
RAVEN’S LAST DATE AND OH MY GOD PUPPIES
Nick and Raven go skating, which is a call-back to their first date at the roller rink. The song “Kiss Me” plays over the montage again, which leads me to believe the producers paid out the ass for the rights to it and they really want to make sure they get their money’s worth.
The date is good. So good, in fact, that we know Raven is being set up for heartbreak. She keeps talking about how much she loves Nick and how ready she is to get married (you know some producer was like, hey, if you say this, you’ll be doing the opposite of what the other woman did, so — you should say it).
They’re trying to mess with us — Vanessa has cold feet! Look how happy Raven is! But we, my friends, know better. We know that this is a red herring and that Raven will soon be crying in a limo.
We are not even fooled when Nick brings out three of the cutest damn husky puppies I’ve ever seen in my life. I gasp and start Googling places to adopt dogs in New York City.
PUPPIES.@BachelorABC #TheBachelorFinale pic.twitter.com/gjUEn1OgWx
— Good Morning America (@GMA) March 14, 2017
These very good dogs are the best moment of the whole season.
MOMENT OF TRUTH
I have to tell you a secret. I’m, like, pretty sure Vanessa wins. I know this because Liz Plank, who’s a part of our Vox Media Bachelor recap show First Impressions, is from Montreal and her hairdresser lives down the street from Vanessa. And Liz told me that her hairdresser told her that Vanessa won.
Even so, I’m nervous.
Neil Lane, the diamond guy, shows up. Nick has hung out with him so many times over the course of this show that he's probably gonna make him a groomsman if he ever actually gets himself to an altar.
Nick is a mess. He says he identifies more with the woman he’s sending home than the one who wins, because he’s always the dude who gets sent home.
“I just know this sucks,” he says.
RAVEN WALKS THE PLANK
The cruelest thing this show does is make the person about to get dumped tell the person who’s about to dump them that she loves him, one last time. Raven says how ready she is to get married, and she brings up her dad again.
Nick is a mess. He’s crying. Raven starts to realize this is not her Fairytale Ending. The moment the final contestant realizes she’s getting booted is like when fans realized the Warriors or the Falcons really were blowing those leads.
She clams up. Raven is the most stoic loser in Bachelor history. She doesn’t really even cry in the limo. But she does say, through elegant tears, “Is it just that no one can feel that way about me?”
ARGGHHH! NOO, RAVEN! IT’S NOT YOU! IT’S THIS STUPID SHOW! You are going to be just fine. In three months you will have half a million Instagram followers and you’ll be able to have multiple orgasms with multiple different guys. This is for the best. By losing, you, my dear, have won.
HAPPILY EVER AFTER
If this doesn’t work out, Nick is saying, it’d be “a waste of tears, a waste of broken hearts.” He could be a country singer if he ever runs out of reality TV show steam.
Vanessa enters the room, and he tells her he fell in love with her at the second rose ceremony.
“Every moment since then, I’ve been falling more and more in love with you,” he says. “Plenty of times I’ve tried to fight it. I don’t want to fight it any more.”
I have to tell you guys something. It’s the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. But I’m actually tearing up at the finale of The Bachelor. Vanessa and Nick are both crying, he’s proposing, she’s accepting, and for maybe two nanoseconds this all feels genuine.
Then Nick is like, I got one more question for you: “Will you accept this rose?”
And I immediately snap out of it and return to my natural cynical state. This is cheesy garbage. I give the relationship six months.
AFTER THE FINAL ROSE
We’re back at the live show with Chris “Time to Shine” Harrison, and Nick gets trotted out first. He looks pretty miserable. Then Raven shows up. She’s wearing her best “fuck you” dress — this slinky black silk number — and I’m here for it.
Sorry, wait, one sec, this is completely irrelevant but I just have to show you this picture of Chris Harrison with Santa.
Aren’t you glad you saw that?
Anyway, Raven is very classy and says she does think Nick and Vanessa will get married, though she doesn’t give them a rousing endorsement. Then Chris asks her to go on Bachelor in Paradise this summer, and she accepts, so we have that to look forward to.
VANESSA AND NICK HATE EACH OTHER, I’M PRETTY SURE
Vanessa comes out first, and she spends about 10 minutes telling Chris how hard it’s been to be in a secret relationship and watch Nick make out with other women on TV. They all say this after every season, but Vanessa is really leaning into it. She admits that maybe she should’ve watched the show for a full season before committing to go on it and I’m like “Wait. HOLD THE PHONE, WHAT!? YOU ACTUALLY DIDN’T KNOW HOW THIS WORKS?”
Here is a live look at me watching this right now:
My mind is blown. This explains so much. But also, on an early date, Vanessa told Nick that she watched him on the show for two seasons, which is why she went on to try to date him. So she’s lying somewhere. Either she didn’t watch the show and said she did, or did watch the show and is now saying she didn’t.
But all this pales in comparison to the horrible second hand embarrassment I feel watching Nick and Vanessa try to convince America they love each other.
Chris is like, "Congrats on your engagement!" And they’re essentially like, "Thank you, Chris, we are both completely miserable and realize all of this was a terrible mistake, but we are so locked in now that there’s really nothing we can do about it! Hahahah! Isn’t that just so too bad! Look at us, holding hands! We have our hands on each other’s thighs because we’re just so, so happy! Hahahaha! Oh, my God, please make it all stop.”
One of my roommates comes into the room, looks at the TV, and goes, “This is wack.” Then he leaves.
Vanessa sounds really miserable to be in a relationship with. Everything is about communicating, and speaking her mind. That’s all great, but at a certain point, you want to live rather than talk about living.
Vanessa and Nick’s celebratory Instagram captions are pretty bland for two people desperately in love. I made merciless fun of Jordan Rodgers after he won last season because he ripped off inspirational posters on Instagram, but at least he went all in. Vanessa doesn’t even say “I love you” in her “I won” Instagram. She just wrote “love, love, love you!” Which is what you write when you’re about to break up with someone. The “I” in “I love you” is crucial.
RACHEL’S BACHELORETTE SEASON BEGINS
Rachel shows up. She’s all we have left. If The Apprentice gave us Trump as president, I am hopeful that The Bachelorette might give us Rachel. She's a lawyer and doesn’t appear to be a garbage can of a person the way our current commander-in-chief is. Rachel 2020.
Chris Harrison finally reveals the curveball he’s had up his sleeve this whole time: Rachel’s season is starting right now. He brings out three dudes who will be contestants. Rachel looks pretty shook, but she’s rolling with it. I think it’s mean to spring this on her, but then again, The Bachelor franchise isn’t known for being kind.
The first guy we meet is Demario, who shows up with a ring, which seems like a lot. But he’s handsome and charming.
Then they bring out some white asshole named Blake who goes, “I’m ready to go black, and I’m not going back.”
Oh God, you guys. I’m realizing that the racism — both low-key and probably blatant — on Rachel’s season is going to be out of control. We’ll have all these white dudes with trendy haircuts who think they’re #woke but really aren’t. I’m on my couch with my fleece pulled up over my head and my shoulders up around my ears just thinking about it.
Rachel handles this whole thing with grace. She is too good for us and America doesn’t deserve her. But, boy, am I glad that we get her. I cannot wait to watch her season.
I also have a feeling they pulled this “meet the dudes” gimmick because Nick and Vanessa might break up soon and they wanted to have a fallback news cycle in case the whole thing explodes sooner than they expected.
Anyway. Thanks for coming on this wild ride with me. It’s been a helluva season, Sports Bachelor Nation. Go Pats.