Look, I don’t know what you do on Instagram. Maybe you post that impressive dinner you made, or a gym selfie where you pretend you don’t know you look good, but you really do know you look good. Perhaps you put up photos of your kids, or your dog, or your face, or your new shoes.
Whatever. Nothing you do on Instagram matters, because there’s not a single thing you could be doing on that would be better than what Rihanna is doing. Look what LeBron James’ biggest fan posted after the Warriors demolished the Cavs in the NBA Finals:
I’ve watched this probably, oh, 30 times. But if you don’t have the luxury, let me tell you that this piece of cinematic majesty is a short film adaption of The Lion King, featuring Rihanna as Simba, LeBron as Mufasa, and Kevin Durant as Scar.
The scene in question is the one where Scar throws Mufasa, his own goddamn brother, off a cliff right after Mufasa saved his son Simba, then manages to crawl his way out of the herd of thundering wildebeest. Simba watches as Scar lets Mufasa plummet back into the stampede and is trampled to death. If you’re able to view this scene without crying, you’re the Tin Man.
Watching Kevin Scarant push his brother LeBronsafa off a cliff while Ririmba looks on isn’t something you know you need until it comes into your life. I must say, it’s very moving. So is the accompanying caption and hashtags: #LongLiveTheKing and #KingIsStillKingBitch. Rihanna even gives a nice nod to fellow Roc Nation celebrity Kevin Durant: “(whispers congrats to KD, cause....ROCNation).” Although she makes it very clear where her loyalties lie.
Oh, she also posted this.
Yup, that’s right. Rihanna Crying Jordaned a picture of herself after the Cavs lost. Notice that LeBron’s number is written on her stomach in sunscreen. She even thought to photoshop some sunglasses onto Jordan’s cryin’ face, seeing as she’s lying in the sun and everything.
Rihanna was all-in on the Finals. She sat courtside at Game 1 in Oakland, and almost gave Jeff Van Gundy an aneurysm when she walked by him. He screamed, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” as she made her way to her seat, and I’ve never identified with a middle-aged, ex-NBA, current NBA analyst more.
During Game 1, Rihanna bowed to LeBron, then turned around to dab on the fans who told her to sit down. Her friend and assistant, Jenn Rosales, who was sitting next to Rihanna, yelled out, “BRIIIICK” during a Durant free throw. The next time Durant sank a three, he seemed to turn around and glare at Rihanna.
After the game, Durant wouldn’t comment on whether Rihanna completely invaded his brain space, which seems like something someone pretending Rihanna didn’t completely invade his brain space would do. Steph Curry also tried to brush her presence off, saying that her music has never been on a Warriors locker-room playlist.
LOL. Yeah, right. Forget crooked refs, here’s my NBA conspiracy theory: Of course the Warriors have played Rihanna in the locker room before. Who hasn’t played Rihanna in a locker room before? If you haven’t showered to “Umbrella” as a group after a game, did the game even happen? If you haven’t let ANTI loop as you put your sneakers on, did you even wear them?
The Warriors might be champions, but Rihanna won the Finals.
So, what can we expect moving forward? I don’t know, perhaps a summer of LeBron and Rihanna partying together in an attempt to heal both of their broken sports hearts, if we’re lucky. At the very least, hopefully Rihanna will grace us with more short films. Long live Rihanna.