SBNation.com: All Posts by Spencer Hall

WHAT'S INDIANA HIDING?

2013-05-23T20:13:29Z

What secrets are you hiding, Indiana? What could you be holding back that would get Indiana football insiders so very excited?

A potato
A potato that plays basketball
A cyborg made of solid mayonnaise
A touchdown
The team's new signature cologne, "Antwaan Randel Smell"
An edited version of last year's Ohio State-Indiana game edited (poorly) to look like IU won
Fresh fruit
The new Train live album
a bowl full of ice cubes made of frozen milk and sprinkled with cupcake garnish
Free copies of an amazing book about Tom Crean
A small scale model diorama of Indiana, filled with tiny living replicant Indianans, all alive until you crush them and kill them in real life and in the model, and no Kevin Wilson stop what are you doing you absolute monster--
Brian Kelly's dick. We finally found it, guys. It's Brian Kelly's dick.
A garage sale. Not even a good one. This Spirograph is broken I'll give you three bucks TOPS.
A piece of Peyton Manning in a petri dish that has developed the ability to beat most humans at chinese checkers
Just some sensible neutral carpeting in the team offices. Nothing special, but a real value. And with StainPrevent!
it's just a segway. no one in Indiana has ever seen one before

The Grizzlies: Our finest humans, and also one bear

2013-05-23T15:33:44Z

The 2012-2013 Memphis Grizzlies are down two games to none to the San Antonio Spurs, and in danger of receding into the annals of the NBA's long history of fascinating, but not quite great basketball teams. Like an intrepid wildlife photographer documenting a vanishing species in the wild, Lee Jenkins of Sports Illustrated captured the Grizzlies in full rampage against the Oklahoma City Thunder. His work in the field is science; it deserves study, and careful appreciation.

A few things just need to be highlighted here before we move on to letting the Spurs, the Dad Squad of basketball teams, walk away with the Western Conference title.

1. Zach Randolph is planning to go to nude beaches in Spain. And purring about it, per Jenkins. If you hear about a man being mistaken for a bear on the beaches of Ibiza this summer, it will be Zach Randolph. Spectral horror novels will be written about that moment; women will become pregnant on sight, and conceive mighty children fed on grit, grind, and the finest jamon of the region.

2. He heard about them from Marc Gasol. This dramatically increases the chances that Marc Gasol has been on a beach naked at one point in his life, and you are picturing this. You are picturing this, and hopefully just seeing a giant clump of blurry pixels topped with Marc Gasol's head. If not, there is a bottle of scotch in your boss's office. Hit it right now, hit it hard, and do not ask permission or forgiveness.

3. Tony Allen walks into practice muttering Future lyrics and tearing open energy bars with his teeth. This is how I've always imagined Tony Allen doing everything, anyway: signing contracts with bite marks, driving by holding the steering wheel with his teeth, greeting family members with affectionate nibbles. It's just nice to have it confirmed.

4. The Cheesecake Factory would not exist without professional athletes. This isn't explicitly stated in the article. However, at least half of the Grizzlies' roster enjoys eating there, and this goes in the mounting pile of evidence that the restaurant survives exclusively off the $500 tabs of athletes in their early 20s with large contracts, huge appetites, and a firm definition of "one shovelful" as a proper serving size for food.

5. This:

Randolph provided the levity, glancing up at the arena's LED ribbon and noticing an ad for an upcoming concert. "Hey," he blurted, "Beyoncé is coming!"

BEYONCE OMG OMG OMG EVERYBODY RING THE ALARM BEEEYYYYY IS COMIN' TO MEMPHIS

[/Z-Bo does "Single Ladies" dance while Tony Allen gnaws on the backboard in frustration]

6. Zach Randolph uses rapper Yo Gotti's barber and has for a decade. No big deal, just Z-Bo flying a rapper's barber all over the country at great expense for at least five or six years because he can't go out on the court unless he feels right from looking right. Randolph stopped doing this when he was traded to Memphis, the home of the barber and his home shop. Penny Hardaway is the co-owner. THIS IS ALL SO MEMPHIS AS HELL. Barbecue sauce should be oozing from the USB port on your computer right now.

I didn't even mention ten percent of the Grizzlies greatness in the article. Read it. Appreciate it, and appreciate the Grizzlies for what they are: our nation's finest collection of human beings, and the grizzly bear walking on its hind legs named Zach Randolph who has stolen the hearts (and picnic baskets) of a nation.

P.S. Nekkid Z-Bo eatin' tapas on la playa. It's gonna happen, and it will be an international incident.

THE CURIOUS INDEX, 5/23/2013

2013-05-23T14:08:52Z

ROLL MUGSHOT TIDE. When you get arrested for faking an abduction, the proper choice is the pink national championship shirt. It signals femininity AND strength. That may seem like a hard charge to beat, but fortunately a simple presentation of the image above to an Alabama jury will inspire total subservience, and lead to you walking away from the courtroom a free and happy lady. Roll hypnotized jury Tide.

THAT'S NAMED AFTER SOME OTHER DUDE NAMED TEBOW. EA left Tim Tebow's name in the playbook for NCAA 2010, or at least used someone else's name that is also spelled "T-E-B-O-W," and they're losing this court case.

RAEKWON OUTS URBAN AS AN ASS MAN. Back that ass up, son, cause that bubble screen you got has Urban Meyer SPRUNG.

"HE'S ALREADY CONQUERED THE SEC." Oh, sure. You wouldn't think Johnny Manziel would transfer, you, just sittin' on TexAgs in your comfy chairs. But you're seeing the raindrops while Dan on Fire sees the whole thunderhead, man.

CHARLIE WEIS GOT IT ON DISCOUNT. The MAC's leading receiver in 2012 might be eligible to play immediately for the Kansas Jayhawks if he gets his degree and plays as a graduate transfer. Nick Harwell, booted from Miami (OH) after borrowing his girlfriend's car for a bit too long this spring, joins the Val-Pak Juco Transfer project at KU, and we hope Charlie Weis realizes you cannot flip a college football program for profit. (Charlie Weis built all this recessed lighting, and oh god why is the ceiling smoking--)

ALSO PROBABLY TRANSFERRING TO KANSAS OR NC STATE, BUT DEFINITELY NOT TO USF TO PLAY QUARTERBACK BECAUSE NO ONE IS EVER TRANSFERRING TO USF TO PLAY QUARTERBACK. Houston is losing their top rusher and a possible first round prospect for undisclosed reasons.

ETC: Oh, man, the story behind the Oklahoma hug photo is amazing. Fuck off, science, we don't want to know how things actually work or wouldn't.

DEAR JOHN: HEISMAN ADVICE FOR RELATIONSHIPS

2013-05-22T20:07:54Z

John Heisman knows a thing or two about relationships, having endured a divorce so nasty he had to leave the city of Atlanta and his job at Georgia Tech in 1919. He's here to answer your questions about relationships, sex, and other frivolities you will soon cut out of your life if you know what's good for you.

Dear John,

My husband and I have a happy marriage for the most part. One area we disagree on is our finances, though. He spends money on things like nights out with the boys drinking, and never blinks. Yet when I want to buy something modest for myself--a new dress, or a spa weekend, something like that--he explodes and says I spend too much money!

He's a good man. But this double standard is creating tension in our marriage, and I've had just enough of it.

Frustrated in Fredericksburg

Your husband is wise. Liquor is an investment; its dividend is the oblivion of the gutter. This is more payoff than 99% of life's swindles offer, so denigrate its honesty at your own credibility's risk.

Dresses and jewelry, however, are but the camouflage for a soldier of the heart. That soldier has one job: to hunt a man, find his weakness, and then strike in the depth of the cold night without mercy.

You should be allowed a certain budget for these martial decorations, harpy. Five dollars a year should be sufficient. Spend it on trinkets and baubles to shine in the dark while your man seeks happiness in the bright caress of the saloon. It shall be the most faithful lover he shall ever know.

Kansas City is a clerical error built on the compound interest charged by ignorance. That is unrelated but true.

To the next piece of poorly scrawled, half-literate correspondence:

Dear John,

My wife is pressing me for child support. I love my children, but I'm having a hard time paying my own rent, much less the exorbitant payments the court demanded I pay per month. Any advice on how to preserve my relationship with my children while getting some relief from my ex-wife?

-Strapped in San Antonio

You gave them life. Provided you have shown them how to fire and clean a pistol and have scowled at them when they displayed emotion, your obligations to them have been discharged. I repeat the advice given to me by my own father: Florida for bankruptcy, Bolivia for disappearance, and death in Mexico.

Dear John,

I'm a very religious person, and am in a dedicated relationship with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I am also in a committed relationship a beautiful young woman. I am trying to be chaste but it is very difficult, and marriage will not be possible for several years.

Do you have any advice on maintaining a balance between my duties as a Christian? And is kissing permitted, at the least?

--Torn in Tucson

My only advice is to cease this fabrication of a letter. There are no virgins in Arizona. Do not pester me with your lies any further, Mr. Torn.

If this letter is sincere: consummate this relationship immediately with fornication and appropriate payment. $3.75 and no more should be sufficient in the Arizona territories. Do not kiss: it is unsanitary, and could lead to fatal oral diseases.

Dear John,

I'm a bachelor (and happily so), and recently a coworker of mine and his wife not-so-subtly indicated that they'd like to involve me in their amorous activity. I've never tried anything like that, but should I even consider it given that I work with this man? If I go through with it, any logistical pointers?

- Three And Out, Boston

Three And Out, your libertine co-workers are a disgrace to the institution of marriage. When you are married, you betroth yourself and the body which is your temple to the other party and the other party alone. It is a sacred bond, and one between a man and a woman unbroken by the distractions of lust and others outside the marriage.

Fortunately for you, marriage is a lie. Do it. If you should find yourself in the Embrace of the Parisian, and playing the role of Fortunate Pierre, press through. It is unfortunate, but only half as shameful as the roles of the Confused Marcel or Superfluous Celine in the arrangement.

Take no precautions--courage is the greatest and only true prophylactic.

Dear John,

I'm diabetic, and--

I ceased reading your letter immediately, and burned it in a fire of great intensity. Away from my untainted touch, sugar urine vampire.

Dear John,

I'm dating a beautiful lady. She is a widow, and has two children as a result of her previous marriage. We will be living together as one family soon, and I am worried. Do you have any advice for entering their family without disrespecting the memory of their father?

First reassure these children that their father is dead. Remind them that death is forever, and that forever means they will never, ever see him again--not here, and not in some honeyed fairy land dairy farm of the imagination. Begin every interaction this way; it will establish the present as a life-priority, and you as a trusted truth-teller.

Second, put them to work in a place of industry immediately. Textile mills require the tiny skilled hands and boundless energy of youth. Should they lose either, the mines await. Grant them ten percent of their wages in summer, and fifteen in winter for shoes and pants.

THE CURIOUS INDEX, 5/22/2013

2013-05-22T14:06:55Z

THE LATEST IN A LINE OF FINE FLORIDA THESPIANS.

It's a horrendous line reading, but on the curve of Florida football coaches and ad appearances, Will Muschamp is clearly miles ahead of Urban Meyer here. Not bad performances by the kids, though none approach the dramatic heights of the Ol' Ball Coach himself. (No mortal can. #clickclack)

ALSHON JEFFERY'S INVISIBLE YEARS. Someone please insure that every college football assistant is granted a free edition of Photoshop, and then make sure they are trained just enough to use it very, very poorly, because this is the golden age of things like the floating ghost of South Carolina Alshon Jeffery.

THE DREADED GLEN MASON REFERENCE. Bill C. says Mississippi State isn't in Glen Mason territory yet with Dan Mullen, but that plateauing is a hard conclusion not to reach when looking at their trajectory going into 2012. #sadclanga

NOT MADE IN OHIO NOPE. Ohio would not be the first state we'd openly label as "not being part of the United States," but we do not have the refined sensibilities of a Michigan Man. That state would be South Carolina, which is clearly a chunk of Hispaniola that popped loose and just stuck to the sides of Georgia and North Carolina one day.

HE COULD WRITE THIS EVERY OTHER DAY. Patrick Hruby is either a masochist or well okay he's a masochist, and the proof is being willing to document every single stupid/hypocritical/asinine thing the NCAA does every day. It's a big job, but someone has to do it.

TOLEDO ROCKETING AWAY FROM SOBRIETY. Toledo is considering becoming really cool and selling beer at games. There may be profit motive to this, but mostly it's about the ladies and being cool.

ETC: Sure, Urban Meyer's seems accurate. TV. TV? TV! Watch TV. Sports. Sports. Television? TV.

Paul Finebaum to join ESPN and SEC Network, but who is Paul Finebaum?

2013-05-21T20:53:05Z

The great radio silence has ended: Paul Finebaum, the troll-god of SEC sports radio, will begin a new "multi-tiered" media deal with ESPN starting August 1st. Finebaum, a longtime stalwart of the Birmingham sports scene, will move to Charlotte as part of an upcoming role on the SEC Network and a larger role on ESPN's television broadcasts.

Finebaum may not be familiar to a broader national audience, so I'll help with a few comparisons.

Imagine a more demure Colin Cowherd. Now take him and give him a pinpoint focus on college football, and half the number of words he uses. Take those long pauses, and fill them with phone calls taken from the lunatic fringe of Alabama college football fans expressing opinions several standard deviations from anyone's definition of sanity. Let the callers string themselves out as far as entertainment value will take them, and sometimes combine with other callers for on-air bareknuckle brawls.

This description makes Paul Finebaum sound like a mental health nurse who makes patients fight for his amusement, and then collects a good share of the bets as bookie. That would not be inaccurate, though ESPN PR's "moderator-slash-provocateur" is a kinder, slightly less accurate description of what he does.

Like Mike Francesa, he is a regional talk presence with some national reach. Unlike Mike Francesa, he has never fallen asleep on air, and knows something about college football. Profiles have been done on him by prestigious national publications, and with reason: he is something of a big deal, and at its best, the show's anarchy is addictive and required listening.

Finebaum's time on air in Birmingham is most notable for the Harvey Updyke case, where an Alabama fan called the show to boast of poisoning the iconic Toomer's Corner oaks at Auburn, Alabama. Finebaum has also made television appearances on programs like Outside the Lines, where he berated Bomani Jones for badmouthing "the South" despite Jones being from Houston, Texas and attending Clark Atlanta University.

Terms of Finebaum's undoubtedly lucrative five year contract with ESPN, which laid off hundreds of workers Tuesday, were not disclosed.

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THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL HALL OF FAME IS STILL USELESS

2013-05-21T17:52:59Z

Derrick Thomas is not in the college football Hall of Fame. He's the single season record holder for sacks with 27 in a season, a legend at the University of Alabama, and as an NFL all-timer cannot possibly be considered a hipster's pick for any plaudits, awards, or posthumous laurels. He's Derrick Thomas, known football monster. Famous enshrinement's already happened for him: in 2009, the NFL inducted him in the Hall of Fame.

He is not in the College Football Hall of Fame. His friend and teammate Cornelius Bennett is outraged, and in one sense, should be. Thomas was one of the most dominant players of his generation, and a defensive overlord at a school with a very high standard for what constitutes a terrifying defender. If a College Hall of Fame were to ever mean anything, then Derrick Thomas would be in it.

And he might well be in it one day, and that's nice. His family will get a nice day out of it, and someone will be paid to make commemorative artwork. What won't change is the incongruity of college football and the idea of a Hall of Fame--that this sport, 120 teams plus wide and over a century deep at just the FBS level, much less further on down the FCS strata, should ever pay attention to something that claimed any authority over what was considered great.

Jack Trice isn't in the Hall of Fame, either. Read about him yourself here. He wrote this the day before playing Minnesota on October 6th, 1923.

My thoughts just before the first real college game of my life: The honor of my race, family & self is at stake. Everyone is expecting me to do big things. I will. My whole body and soul are to be thrown recklessly about the field tomorrow. Every time the ball is snapped, I will be trying to do more than my part. On all defensive plays I must break through the opponents' line and stop the play in their territory. Beware of mass interference. Fight low, with your eyes open and toward the play. Watch out for crossbucks and reverse end runs. Be on your toes every minute if you expect to make good. Jack.

Jack Trice died from injuries sustained while playing Minnesota. They named the stadium after him, and it is still named after him. There are a lot of negative side effects from the way college football is built, but one nice side effect is the locality, the patchwork of little half-remembered histories lurking at every destination like Jack Trice Stadium, still the home of Iowa State football today.

There's no outrage in the idea that someone can't get into the Hall of Fame. The real outrage is assuming anyone would try and fit the whole thing in one place at all.

P.S. We repeat: Howard Schnellenberger can't get in, either. To hell with any party that won't let Howard in the door.

THE CURIOUS INDEX, 5/21/2013

2013-05-21T14:36:00Z

THE MEANEST OF THE MEAN. We were talking about this field goal yesterday, so now we're going to talk about it to remind you that Paul Johnson is a mean sonofabitch.

Please remember that this field goal was technically against the rules, and involved a confused saunter to the line by the field goal unit before Demaryius Thomas stepped onto the field late and just over the boundary, and then casually trotted out uncovered for a TD. Confused Dabo Swinney, you are our favorite visual mantra, especially on a play that turned out to be pretty important in an eventual 30-27 Clemson loss to Georgia Tech. (Perhaps he was thinking of East Bogo Community College and their potent offense at the time.) (Let's find out who East Bogo Community College is.)

NEVER SLEEP ON EAST BOGO COMMUNITY COLLEGE. Our google alerts must be malfunctioning, because we swore we had alerts for all EBCC football news.

"When you only have 12 games and you work hard for those 12, it doesn't matter who the name is, whether it's Pitt or East Bogo Community College," he said.

That's Dabo Swinney, respecting the crap out of East Bogo Community College, which is secretly the state's designation for Pitt and their football team. (It is also the kingdom Dabo rules over in his mind.)

A SEVEN YEAR DOWNWARD TREND WITH ONE REALLY BIG SPIKE. The trend at Auburn over the past seven years has been horrendous save for that one Cam Newton-sized leap to a title in 2010, so Bill C says not to expect miracles immediately from Gus Malzahn. Another fun note: Auburn fans can honestly say they had the least successful passing game in the country last year, mostly because numbers and facts back them up on that statement. (P.S. Alabama fans, go ahead and say Nick Saban's responsible for that seven year trend, ignore 2010, and then do a country jig atop a pile of expensive broken crystal.

UTEP HAS CUSTARD. Eddie Custard, just one of the many people on the Miners' roster who will have to cry, laugh, and mostly cry through Sean Kugler's first season as UTEP's head coach. Jameill Showers is their quarterback, though, if you'd like to see an SEC-quality quarterback transfer from TAMU run for his damn life most of the year.

EVERYONE IS NOT IN FACT GOING TO USF. Showers became the 38th quarterback to not transfer to USF along with Arkansas' Brandon Mitchell, who joins Dave Doeren's new staff at NC State. USF still needs a quarterback, and also any snacks you'd like to send along because some people love transfer quarterbacks, but everyone loves snacks.

ETC: Well, sure, that's a necessary editor's note on a story about killer robots.