Bill Walton delivers a classic performance in UCLA-Alabama game

USA TODAY Sports

Bill Walton touched on the Grateful Dead, Bob Dylan and the greatest things in all of history during his season debut on ESPN2.

I watched the entire UCLA-Alabama game last night on ESPN2 and to be honest, I can tell you next to nothing about the game itself. I'm told UCLA escaped with an eight-point win, but I could even be wrong there.

Rather than watching the action on the court, my night was spent listening intently to the glorious sounds of the Bill Walton Show, airing occasionally throughout the basketball season on the Worldwide Leader. Walton was behind the mic providing color commentary for the game, though merely calling it "color commentary" does a disservice to Mr. Walton's legendary spoken word performance.

The highlights, presented with minimal contextual interruption:

  • "Much like the Grateful Dead, they could not keep a steady beat to that count."
  • The four languages he speaks, other than English: "Stammering, stuttering, sputtering and spitting."
  • "Welcome to the 21st century. How long does it take him to figure out you can't run under somebody who's jumped in the air?"
  • "Everything changed in the history of the world when Trevor Releford came back into the lineup."
  • On Releford missing a team flight: "Like that song says, 'Don't say I never warned ya when your train gets lost.'"
  • "You can find little guards who will write books ... or tall pretty boys who won the genetic lottery."
  • "I really have to clean off my cataracts here."
  • Question from play-by-play man Dave Pasch: "Who controls your Twitter account? ... You don't even know you have a Twitter account, do you?" Walton's response: "There's a lot of things I don't know."

That's right, ladies. Those mildly suggestive, flirty tweets you've been sending to @BillWalton probably never reached him. Hate to be the bearer of bad news.

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