NCAA bracket predictions 2013: A completely arbitrary take

The hardest choice you will ever have to make in life is when you fill out each year's March Madness bracket. I'm here to make your life easier by reducing your bracket to a series of arbitrary tiebreakers. You can get your printable NCAA bracket here.

Bracketology is a thing. It's something that college basketball experts, degenerate gamblers and everyone in between tries to study, looking for an edge on correctly predicting March Madness, all the way from the First Four to the national champion. We have great bracketologists right here at SB Nation!

I am not a bracketologist, let alone a great one. But I am here to predict the 2013 NCAA Tournament for you. In order to do so, I will look at each and every matchup and use completely arbitrary criteria to determine them. Sound good? Of course it does! So here we go!

First Four

Liberty vs. North Carolina A&T

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Alphabetical order

Winner: Liberty

Middle Tennessee State vs. St. Mary's

Arbitrary tiebreaker: In a set of 30, what could be considered the numbers from 11-20?

Winner: Middle Tenn

LIU Brooklyn vs. JMU

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which team acronym could conceivably stand for "Jawbreaker-Muncher University"?

Winner: JMU

Boise State vs. La Salle

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which team sounds more French?

Winner: La Salle

Midwest Region

SECOND ROUND

Louisville (1) vs. Liberty (16)

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which team is the No. 1 seed?

Winner: Louisville

Colorado State (8) vs. Missouri (9)

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which team's mascot can I name off the top of my head?

Winner: Missouri

Oklahoma State (5) vs. Oregon (12)

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which school ISN'T well-known for its annoyingly garish uniforms?

Winner: Oklahoma State

Saint Louis (4) vs. New Mexico State (13)

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which team's mascot is named after a literal elvish trickster imp?

Winner: Saint Louis

Memphis (6) vs. Middle Tenn State (11)

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which city has a song about walking around in said city?

Winner: Memphis

Michigan State (3) vs. Valparaiso (14)

Arbitrary tiebreaker: I definitely know the home state of which of these schools?

Winner: Michigan State

Creighton (7) vs. Cincinnati (10)

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Is there a team that loves either bears or cats?

Winner: Cincinnati

Duke (2) vs. Albany (15)

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Is Duke playing their first game of the NCAA Tournament?

Winner: Duke

THIRD ROUND

Louisville vs. Missouri

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which region name has the more adorable local pronunciation?

Winner: Louisville

Oklahoma State vs. Saint Louis

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which city has the more annoying musical?

Winner: Saint Louis

Memphis vs. Michigan State

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which elimination would cut down on large cats in the tournament?

Winner: Michigan State

Cincinnati vs. Duke

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which team do I hate more?

Winner: Duke

West Region

SECOND ROUND

Gonzaga (1) vs. Southern (16)

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which team sounds more like a kindly halfling?

Winner: Gonzaga

Pittsburgh (8) vs. Wichita State (9)

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which city has more bridges?

Winner: Pittsburgh

Wisconsin (5) vs. Ole Miss (12)

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which team is younger?

Winner: Wisconsin

Kansas State (4) vs. La Salle (13)

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Flipped a coin.

Winner: Kansas State

Arizona (6) vs. Belmont (11)

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which team isn't a character from Castlevania?

Winner: Arizona

New Mexico (3) vs. Harvard (14)

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which team represents the 99%?

Winner: New Mexico

Notre Dame (7) vs. Iowa State (10)

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Who would win in a fight between a cyclone and a fighting Irish?

Winner: Iowa State

Ohio State (2) vs. Iona (15)

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which team doesn't sound made-up?

Winner: Ohio State

THIRD ROUND

Gonzaga vs. Pittsburgh

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which school is located further from Philadelphia?

Winner: Gonzaga

Wisconsin vs. Kansas State

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Went against gut instinct.

Winner: Kansas State

Arizona vs. New Mexico

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Whichever state doesn't have Breaking Bad going for it. (Cinderella story.)

Winner: Arizona

Iowa State vs. Ohio State

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which team will offer more opportunities to say "Olentangy"?

Winner: Ohio State

South Region

SECOND ROUND

Kansas (1) vs. Western Kentucky (16)

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Who has the better school chant?

Winner: Kansas

North Carolina (8) vs. Villanova (9)

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Most "v"s in name

Winner: Villanova

VCU (5) vs. Akron (12)

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Most nonsensical mascot.

Winner: Akron

Michigan (4) vs. South Dakota State (13)

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which state actually has people living in it? (This was a close one.)

Winner: Michigan

UCLA (6) vs. Minnesota (11)

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which institution rejected my grad school application?

Winner: UCLA

Florida (3) vs. Northwestern State (14)

Arbitrary tiebreaker: lol come on now

Winner: Florida

San Diego State (7) vs. Oklahoma (10)

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Better surfing?

Winner: San Diego State

Georgetown (2) vs. Florida Gulf Coast (15)

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which school isn't in Florida?

Winner: Georgetown

THIRD ROUND

Kansas vs. Villanova

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Less "v"s in name?

Winner: Kansas

Akron vs. Michigan

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which team is more dignified?

Winner: Michigan

UCLA vs. Florida

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which school is slightly more disgraced than the other?

Winner: Florida

San Diego State vs. Georgetown

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which fanbase has less to live for?

Winner: Georgetown

East Region

SECOND ROUND

Indiana (1) vs. JMU (16)

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which home state is literally made out of basketballs?

Winner: Indiana

N.C. State (8) vs. Temple (9)

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Preponderance of hooting?

Winner: Temple

UNLV (5) vs. California (12)

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which mascot lives more outside of the law?

Winner: UNLV

Syracuse (4) vs. Montana (13)

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which team is more fun to root against?

Winner: Syracuse

Butler (6) vs. Bucknell (11)

Arbitrary tiebreaker: These two teams are actually the same team. TOO CLOSE TO CALL.

Winner: PUSH

Marquette (3) vs. Davidson (14)

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which one is a basketball team and not a former cast member of In Living Color?

Winner: Marquette

Illinois (7) vs. Colorado (10)

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Whoever is more orange.

Winner: Illinois

Miami (2) vs. Pacific (15)

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which team is closer to the Atlantic?

Winner: Miami

THIRD ROUND

Indiana vs. Temple

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Team more likely to have Gene Hackman pinch-coach?

Winner: Indiana

UNLV vs. Syracuse

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which team is led by a sentient nose?

Winner: Syracuse

Marquette vs. [null set]

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Butler and Bucknell canceled each other out, remember?

Winner: Marquette

Illinois vs. Miami

Arbitrary tiebreaker: More hilarious arrests?

Winner: Miami

Sweet 16

Louisville vs. Saint Louis

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Would a cardinal be able to peck a Billiken to death?

Winner: Louisville

Michigan State vs. Duke

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Who would I most like to see choke in the Sweet 16?

Winner: Michigan State

Gonzaga vs. Kansas State

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Put the wrong name in my spreadsheet.

Winner: Kansas State

Arizona vs. Ohio State

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Random number generator.

Winner: Ohio State

Kansas vs. Michigan

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Team less likely to betray its color scheme.

Winner: Kansas

Florida vs. Georgetown

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Better pet: alligator or bulldog? (This went to a run-off.)

Winner: Georgetown

Indiana vs. Syracuse

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which one would you least want to make a smoothie out of?

Winner: Indiana

Marquette vs. Miami

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Which one did Will Smith write a song about?

Winner: Miami

Elite Eight

Louisville vs. Michigan State

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Who needs it more?

Winner: Louisville

Kansas State vs. Ohio State

Arbitrary tiebreaker: "It" factor.

Winner: Ohio State

Kansas vs. Georgetown

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Cheaper flights.

Winner: Kansas

Indiana vs. Miami

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Better beaches.

Winner: Miami

Final Four

Louisville vs. Ohio State

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Better opportunity for mint julep jokes?

Winner: Louisville

Kansas vs. Miami

Arbitrary tiebreaker: "Dust in the Wind."

Winner: Kansas

National Championship Game

Louisville vs. Kansas

Arbitrary tiebreaker: Jon Bois' broken heart.

Winner: Kansas

Arbitrary National Champions: Kansas Jayhawks

You don't want it, but here's what my full bracket looks like:

Bill_s_bracket_medium

More in College Basketball:

Printable bracket for March Madness

Need help filling out your bracket? Check out our predictions

An oral history of Bryce Drew's epic buzzer-beater

The life and death of Earl Badu

Full coverage of March Madness

Jay Bilas breaks down the bracket

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