Treat yourself, baller: How college football recruiting letters can make a better you

Michael Ferns on Instagram

All of us could use a pick-me-up once in awhile. So what if instead of no praise at all, our little victories were celebrated the way college football coaches celebrate recruits?

You may have heard about N.C. State's "NC STATE NEEDS = BALLER / YOU = BALLER" form letters or the recent April Fools "YOU'RE A BALLER" letter allegedly from Mississippi State to recruit Michael Ferns. While it might be a bit over the top and outright annoying to some highly regarded players who could have used such letters as currency in Germany during World War I, it is endearing in a way.

I have never received a letter letting me know I am a #baller. Not one. I am guessing many of you haven't either. I'm going to do the next best thing: assess a number of "You're A Baller" letters to little successes throughout your day. Some are more valuable than others. These are only examples. There are plenty of other things you can do that deserve #baller status. You're all remarkable and beautiful in your own way, and no, Lane Kiffin cannot take that away from you.

One You're A Baller letter

This level is nothing to sniff at. It includes such accomplishments as:

  • Getting up without hitting the snooze button. Hey now / you're a baller / put your clothes on / work time
  • Making your own coffee and using a coffee grinder.
  • Remembering the name of that guy from that movie without using IMDB. (The answer is always Jason Isaacs).
  • Going to the gym instead of Happy Hour.
  • Going to Happy Hour instead of the gym.
  • Ordering a salad.

Five You're A Baller letters

Now you're getting somewhere. This is a banner day. You should be proud. Have an extra frosty glass of milk on me.

  • Great book report on motifs in The Things They Carried. Way to go, pal. YOU = COMPARATIVE LIT BALLER.
  • Building that IKEA desk.
  • Finally starting that homebrew you've been talking about starting for the last six months, but it takes so long and you can just buy beer at the store what's the point I mean you asked for it for your birthday because you couldn't think of anything else it'd be rude to just let that stuff sit in a box forever
  • Keeping a plant alive.
  • Supporting local business on a Saturday instead of buying stuff off Amazon at work.
  • Having the daily recommended eight glasses of water per day. It's important to stay hydrated, ballers.

10 You're A Baller letters

  • Planning a vacation with your friends you guys said you would do it and you finally did it I know Kathleen can't come but you barely see her anyway and she didn't even come to your wedding the Outer Banks are really beautiful this time of year.
  • Giving up something for Lent and actually giving it up. (Applies double if you are not religious and you're just doing it out of curiosity).
  • Changing a tire without just giving up and calling AAA. Why are these lugnuts on so tight? I told the guy at the shop not to over tighten them. They always overtighten them. They have that machine. They know people have a hard time getting them off with this stupid little piece of metal. God, I just want to hurl this in the interstate. I hate this car. I'm just so over this. The first chance I get, I'm moving to a city with better public transit. You know, like Chicago, they've got it figured out. I can deal with the wind, I swear. I'll just bundle up. That's it. I'm gonna do it. I'll start looking for jobs tomorrow.
  • Going to the doctor for preventative care.
  • Finally sending back those two Netflix DVDs you've had sitting on your cable box for the last six months. Why did you even think it was a good idea to rent Green Lantern in the first place? You'll find another time to watch Gosford Park. There are too many episodes of Justified to catch up on anyway.
  • Proposing to your girlfriend anywhere but at a sporting event.

20 You're A Baller letters

  • Winning the Trivia Season. Hey, we never used Google or anything! Those guys over there always did. I hate Creepy Scott.
  • Reading that Dan Chaon book the guy on Twitter you really like told you to read. He wasn't kidding, we're really in a new era of short fiction.
  • Cleaning the garage.
  • Biking to work. I know I was worried about getting up a little earlier, but John said he was sharper in the mornings, and he has a lot more energy, and have you seen his abs? That dude is ripped. It'll be good for me, I'm saving money on gas, and this helmet doesn't really make me look that dumb.
  • Completing the Toastmasters program. Way to go! You'll be an ace public speaker in no time.
  • Keeping a dog alive.

50 You're A Baller letters

  • Finally doing that open mic night. It wasn't so bad or scary. Some people even laughed. Maybe someday you'll do a 10-minute standup routine like you always said you would. And finish that pilot. FX would totally buy Something's Cooking.
  • Getting a 1.5 percent raise at work. I know it's not much, but you're doing a good job, and the company is strapped for cash. You know, the economy. Hey, Steve got severance and was shown the door. Most of the sixth floor is just old fax machines now. And in the evaluation they said you were affable. That's good right? Maybe they'll start matching on your 401K again this year. Maybe.
  • Actually moving to Chicago.
  • Hosting a New Year's Eve party where no one broke anything, people actually brought things to drink and eat, some people even stayed late the next day to help clean up, and anyone who threw up actually did so in the bathroom.

100 You're A Baller letters

  • Keeping a child alive.

200 You're A Baller letters

  • Moving from Chicago to the South why didn't I do this before it's warm here and people are nice and I don't feel like I'm going to die six months out of the year and public transit was annoying anyway.

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