Are you ready for Fedora's Freak Show? I bet you are. The logo is out, the one-night event is set for June 15, and the Heels are hoping to get some commitments out of it.
This is the logo:
Just look at that thing. I can only assume they're doing this to be #hip and #young and #relevant, but mostly I'm just worried a bunch of 14-year-old linemen from Rocky Mount will be ground up and used in a new hybrid field turf.
If this thing works out, well, we know how the ACC is. Every other coach sniffs a good idea, and it's the "Harlem Shake" videos all over again. So to save their marketing departments some time, I've come up with themes for every coach in the ACC.
Boston College: Steve Addazio's Chestnuts
"GET ON BOARD DEEZ CHESTNUTS IF YOU'RE NOT WITH US YOU'RE AGAINST US AND WE WILL ROAST YOU ON AN OPEN FLAME"
You didn't think Boston College was for jagoffs and weaklings, did you? This isn't Spazville, bro. This is Steve's town, just Add(azio) awesome. First we'll run a bunch of stairs, then we'll do some deadlifts, then we'll go to a firehouse and fight actual fires. If you're not a man when you get here, you'll be a man when you leave.
Clemson: Dabo's Dinosaurs
"We're getting prehistoric up in this B"
Dinosaurs are great, and they just so happen to be Dabo Swinney's favorite thing in the whole wide world. He likes them even more than he likes his mom's cooking and fresh sheets on the bed (and that's an awful lot). To start we're going to get those dinosaur action figures we had Mom get us in 1994, no not the real Jurassic Park ones, those knockoff plastic ones, our family isn't made of money, and then we'll –
Duke: David and the Cutcliffes
"It's like the Jonas Brothers which is a band I think you kids like them right wait how old are you again?"
Welcome everybody to David Cutcliffe's Rock and Roll Fantasy Camp. Today we have Howard Leese from Heart. He is going to teach us how to play "Barracuda," what no we're not going to run routes or hit tackle dummies, why do you ask?
Florida State: Jimbo's Gymboree
"Let's jump around!"
We're going to have so much fun today at Jimbo's. The ball pit is set up, and also the FSU Circus Department let us borrow the trapezes for the afternoon. This will work our minds and our bodies. The key to winning the Atlantic is flexibility and imagination. This camp will be limited to the first 100 five-star defensive linemen only.
Georgia Tech: Paul Johnson's Football Camp
"There will be water for you to drink if you decide to attend."
[Line up] [Handoff] [Line up] [Handoff] [Line up] [Handoff] [Line up] [Handoff] [Line up] [Handoff] [Line up] [Handoff] [Line up] [Handoff] [Line up] [Handoff] [Line up] [Handoff] [Line up] [Handoff] [Line up] [Handoff] [Line up] [Handoff] [Line up] [Handoff] [Line up] [Handoff] [Line up] [Handoff] [Line up] [Handoff] Thank you for attending Paul Johnson's Football Camp.
Louisville: Charlie's Angels (coming Summer 2014)
"All the people who playing football / throw your hands up at me"
Don't let anybody tell you Charlie Strong doesn't know how to get down. The theme this year is the "Independent Women" video by Destiny's Child. Teddy B, can you handle this?
Miami: Rock U Like a Hurricane
"We'll take you on a boat and you can hang out and have a good time there it's going to be a blast We will watch the 1979 film The Warriors and learn each other's names."
Due to NCAA monitoring, original plans for this event were altered slightly. If your name starts with A-L, please forward the package that was left outside your dorm room to compliance. No, seriously, don't tell anyone though, we have to keep this on the down-low.
N.C. State: Dave Doeren's Wild Ride
Walk a mile in Dave Doeren's shoes, or better yet, ride 1,000 miles! We will all be hopping on a Greyhound and getting to know each other through a series of fun sing-a-longs, card games and mad libs. It's going to be so great.
Pittsburgh: The Crucifix Crew
"The power of Chryst compels you!"
Exercise your demons the yinz way. Get started with some plyometrics. Then we'll be on that blood and body of Jesus diet (don't worry parents, it's just grape juice). Paul Chryst wants to make you believe.
Syracuse: In The Mix
"Super Producer Scott Shafer on the 1s and 2s"
[Loop of Pat Summerall saying, "BIG CAT WENT CREEPING"]
All of this is played over highlights of a loss to Rutgers.
Virginia: Mike London's Police Academy
"Please bring freshly pressed pants and comfortable shoes."
This is an actual police academy. Where we will do police academy things. It is not like the movie at all.
Virginia Tech: Beamer Me Up, Scotty
"It's out of this world!"
You may not have known this about Frank Beamer, but he's the biggest Star Trek fan on the Eastern Seaboard. He dressed up like a Klingon for the premiere of Star Trek Into Darkness. His away messages are Spock quotes. Each camper gets a replica Starfleet uniform, and he has transformed Lane Stadium into a living, breathing Starship Enterprise. Bud Foster isn't thrilled, but he plays along as Bones.
Wake Forest: Grobe'in and stealin'
Jim Grobe is swimming in so much money he's going to need a snorkel. He's like Scrooge McDuck over here. He went all out for this bash, and sure enough Wake got seven two-star recruits from Jacksonville to commit on the spot. (None of them had any other Division I offers.)
Chose not to participate.
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