1. Alabama. The usual ultraviolence: a 42-10 home invasion of Missouri, an utter disregard for human life, and cruelty so abhorrent the weather attempted to intervene with a lightning delay.
The elements should have tried a little harder, because that suplex and the rest of the game still happened. A.J. McCarron had an injury at one point just to make things interesting, and then came back with a knee brace on and led a fourth quarter touchdown drive because Alabama football players have robot bodies and the souls of ruthless sharks.
2. Oregon. Bye week. Chip Kelly caught up on fives seasons of Breaking Bad in seven hours.
3. South Carolina. A 23-21 loss to LSU confirms much of what you already suspected: South Carolina is a very different team on the road than they are at home, Connor Shaw doesn't respond well to 275-pound men jumping on his head, and winning a game at night in Tiger Stadium is very, very difficult.
4. Florida. 31-17 is deceptive, since only Jeff Driskel's 177 rushing yards on 11 carries pulled Florida away from Vanderbilt. Then again, Jeff Driskel had 177 yards on 11 carries, topping Tim Tebow's single game record and taking Florida to 6-0 in a potential letdown game on the road, so deceive yourself, fool. You could have gone to Lubbock, and didn't. (Unlike some teams, like ...)
5. West Virginia. Went to Lubbock. Played Texas Tech in Lubbock. Fell behind by a halftime score of 35-7 in Lubbock and never really recovered in a 49-14 loss to Texas Tech in Lubbock. Had to fly all the way home and think about how they were going to reattach the asses they had handed to them by the Red Raiders in Lubbock. Don't ever go to Lubbock is what we're saying, especially if you're an undefeated team and Tommy Tuberville is waiting for you there.
6. Kansas State. A 27-21 win against Iowa State in Farmageddon had them grinding, but that's what unstoppable combines like Collin Klein do. This metaphor requires Collin Klein to be a limb-mangling piece of farm machinery, and that works, actually. Carry on.
7. Notre Dame. Tommy Rees threw the game-winner in a 20-13 overtime win over Stanford. You can obsess over the iffy call that ended Stanford's overtime possession all you like, but two things negate your concerns. One: if you get four cracks at the goal line after first and inches, you deserve to have the game flop into the unsteady hands of human officials. Two: TOMMY REES THREW THE GAME-WINNING TOUCHDOWN. If that happening isn't a harbinger of doom, you don't know what the word means.
8. Ohio State. Positive! The Buckeyes held on to a three-point lead late on the road. Negative! The margin came via a 52-49 score against Indiana, and a fullback was playing middle linebacker for Ohio State by the end of the game. Per Urban Meyer's postgame comments, he will continue to play there, too. Imaginary football that doesn't count for championships can be just as scary as real football in its own special way, Ohio State.
9. LSU. The hammering, slammering LSU gameplan Miles wanted against Florida last week happened against South Carolina, with the Tigers running the ball 53 times and reducing South Carolina's d-line to powder by the fourth quarter. [LSU QUARTERBACK] was underwhelming. (This year it's Zach Mettenburger, but the sentence is true every year, and has little effect on LSU's win totals.)
10. Oregon State. Cody Vaz, starting in relief of the injured Sean Mannion, threw for 332 yards and three TDs in a 42-24 win over BYU. The In-N-Out streak continues for Oregon State, a team so likable we'll all have to invent things to dislike about them. ("FIVE GUYS IS SUPERIOR AND THE FRIES SUCK!" says an east coast fan who clearly wants to die in a hail of thrown milkshakes and punches.)
11. USC. Beat Washington, 24-14, but Matt Barkley's still not quite right and had another mediocre night. But hey, it says "W" in the win column, and Lane Kiffin still has a reserved parking spot he puts his very expensive car into, like, every day, butthorn. (Translation: it's a win, and Lane Kiffin does not care what you think about it.)
12. Florida State. Beat FCS power Boston College, 51-7.
13. Oklahoma. A light scrimmage/exhibition at the Texas State Fairgrounds highlighted an uneventful bye week for the Sooners. The informal score was 63-21, but statistics took a backseat to the experience and reps their backups and young players got down the stretch. The Sooners expect a slightly tougher challenge when improving Kansas comes to Norman next week.
14. Georgia. Bye week. Mark Richt spent his time with his family relaxing and probably not working a lot. This makes him a normal person and a very strange football coach.
15. Texas. [APP IS NOT AVAILABLE] [ERROR MESSAGE 63-21] [BURN YOUR PHONE] [SHOOTS ASHES OF THAT PHONE AND THE APP THAT WAS ON IT INTO SPACE] [NEVER TALK ABOUT IT OR THE GHASTLY BUMP ON DAVID ASH'S WRIST AFTER THE GAME EVER AGAIN]
16. Clemson. Bye week. Dabo showed up to the stadium thinking there was a game, and then pretended he was just "looking at some film" when someone asked what he was doing.
17. Stanford. Lost, 20-13, to Notre Dame. Missed a first-and-goal chance to tie in overtime on four shots in a row, but can still hold important advantage of being the prestigious private school not located in the post-nuclear wastes of northern Indiana.
18. Louisville. Fought off a game Pitt team in a 45-35 shootout all your friends who are Big East fans will tout as "just the kind of football no one gives the Big East any credit for in the mainstream media." This is a joke; you don't know anyone who sticks up for the Big East, shut up, no really, shut up.
19. Mississippi State. Dan Mullen, with a lead and mere seconds on the clock, went for it on fourth-and-goal and got it to win, 41-31, over Tennessee. Why? Well, there's lots of technical reasons, but the first and most important would b--CLANGA CLANGA CLANGA CLANGA CLANGA CLANGA
20. Rutgers. A workmanlike effort in beating Syracuse, 23-15, which is the condescending way of saying "Rutgers plays ugly, unspectacular football."
21. Cincinnati. Beat Fordham, 49-17. Fordham, like Boston College, is not an FBS football program.
22. Texas A&M. Survived a five-hour, 59-57 bulletstorm with Louisiana Tech, largely due to the 576 yards of offense Johnny Manziel piled up by himself. He breaks the record held by Johnny Manziel, and will hold the record until Johnny Manziel sets a new record next week. Johnny Manziel cannot play defense, and this is Texas A&M's greatest weakness as a team.
23. Louisiana Tech. Came within a two-point conversion of going to overtime with Texas A&M in that 59-57 loss, and sadly cannot have Johnny Manziel play defense for them, either.
24. Boise State. 20-10 win over Fresno State. If you squint hard enough they look like "Blue Team Rutgers" this year.
25. Michigan. If a thunderous, 45-0 win over Illinois happens against Illinois, does it happen at all? (Answer: Yes, but don't let Illinois get any of its Illinois-ness on you.)
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