Justin K. Aller
This Week in Schadenfreude rounds up the most ridiculous things said about college football. This edition features a WVU fan rewriting the entire Mike Valenti screed from the 2006 MSU-ND game into a WVU-appropriate format, and could probably stop there but keeps going. Follow @SBNationCFB
Holy crap, a West Virginia fan transcribed the entire infamous Mike Valenti HR Pufnstuf rant and reworked it to fit WVU's current situation. It is far too long to put all of here, but here's a random section:
The rest of Geno Smith's teammates oughta be ashamed of themselves. Ashamed. That was despicable what went down in the last two games. Despicable. And I'm not gonna call out individual players. Me saying Geno Smith didn't play well is different than sitting here and calling out kids for sucking. I'm not gonna sit here and name the kids that suckeded. But lemme tell you something. There's a bunch of em down there in Morgantown. A bunch. And it hurts my heart to say it. But you know what? Every single stereotype about West Virginia University football came true on Saturday night. They sucked. They absolutely gagged. While Kansas State played with fire, emotion, poise, and tact, West Virginia sat there and sucked on applesauce. They sucked.
I can't give this guy Scott Tenorman because the anger is Valenti's, but, here is An Award Of Vast Significance. Holy crap. Internet.
If Rodriguez an architect and Stewart a painter, then Holgy is..
[ed: the architect/painter dichotomy comes from a famous WVU booster quote]
mhs93: The guy who hired the security system installer that forgot a wire or something.
sjudy1: ...at a casino?? ....and won't leave???
ChiroMountie: ...a builder that only built the front part of the house.
motownmanWVFan: Is eating chicken sliders, drinking 46 michelob ultras and pretending to be a competent HC.
EerBrewer: is making Huggs job a lot easier with lower expectations.
Wvrefugee: a poor Hal Mumme impersonator! [ed: ouch. he's an excellent Hal Mumme impersonator.]
wvdave902: .....the 'escape goat' that all of the 'fair weather, bandwagoner, "I want it NOW!" kids,...... want to throw under the bus...........
WVUjeb: in a Netflix commercial? [ed: no idea]
WVU fans would like heads to turn around in the secondary.
TURN YOUR HEAD AROUND!
The lack of fundamentals can't be coached...............your in college now........if you have a guy 100% covered in the endzone........turn your damn head around..........the 12 year old girl was screaming turn your head turn your head..........and then BOOM came the yellow flags.
They are operationalizing several ways to do this.
You need to give people several options in order to maximize the potential for increased production thereby giving one the ability to be part of the decision process, and becoming vested in a positive outcome.
In order for your suggestion to have the best chance of an optimal outcome, choices should have been included in order for the outcome you seek to be reached. I suggest the following changes to you statement giving options to those whom the statement is directed.
Please improve your performance by
1) Turn your head around
2) Turn your helmet around.
The options are there to ensure player investment in the outcome, and both options are likely to produce the same outcome.
/MBAed. West Virginia, you receive the Tears of Unfathomable Sadness and some sort of lifetime achievment award for the Valenti rant guy.
The rest of the week in spleen:
I can confidently state Miami is the internet fanbase most likely to use the word "azz." They're up there on the rant list, as well:
Get Use To Losing!
Pls tell me why does KR even gets on the field?? And someone tell me why on 3rd and 2 inside the redzone do we throw a pass instead of RUN THE DAMN BALL!! Stephen Morris should not have started this game. Dude hadn't practiced all freaking week he missed a lot of throws. We are turning into Temple no check that we have turned into temple Wtf??? FIRE BOTH OFFENSE AND DEFENSIVE COORDINATORS! 4-8 maybe 5-7 smh welcome to the Golden era!!!! We won't be winning SH@! anytime soon.
The rest of this thread is locked behind the 247 paywall, so I assume it is a cogent discussion of issues facing the Miami program.
I AM JUST SICK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
…I give our guy's an A on flat out heart but I give the staff a F for not being able to make the right decisions & th main 1 was to start SM when he was clearly not even close to his best. RW was hand picked by this staff & how in the hell do you prepare him all week with the 1's & he not even get a shot when we still had a shot. THAT 1 THERE WILL HAUNT ME THE REST OF THE SEASON !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WeGot5: Hurry up and Fire Fisch!!!!!!!
muckcity cane: You r a reel pussy if you're at the game you will c we are fighting
WeGot5: Trying what, Sunshine? Least amount of running plays record? FIRE THIS CLOWN [ed: no idea]
04gto: Revoke Morris's scholly Fisch can stay! I gotta pay student loans back I don't c y his school should be covered lol
WeGot5: Fisch can stay? WTF Gotta be Bath Salt!
YOUR WHOLE DAMN MESSAGE BOARD IS BATH SALT.
Behold the glory of UConn football!
This kid who was down to nothing has gone short stack ninja and is now back in it. God bless him for not chopping.
And now we’re going to need four safeties to win this game. Damnit.
They didn't get those four safeties and thus lost 40-10 to Syracuse. The UConn Blog continues its streak of creepily on-point predictions of doom after correctly pegging a 17-14 loss to Temple while the Huskies were up 14-0 last week:
I retract my "Pasqualoni should not be summarily fired on public television in the middle of the season" sentiment.
Go to Foxwoods immediately, and stay there, Mr. Meacham.
Cincinnati also ate a horrible loss, losing an undefeated season to Toledo, but if this column has proven anything it is that there are no Cincinnati fans. I was momentarily hopeful when it it momentarily looked like the Cincinnati Rivals site had an article up called "Vile dissection", but it was not to be:
Damn you, extra L.
BONUS: There are some UC fans, fact. There is now an active message board at 247, but they're looking on the bright side:
One thing I noticed that I'd take as a positive is that Toledo rushed the field after beating us. I guess that means we've arrived if teams are rushing the field after they beat us. I think this is the first time a team has ever rushed the field after beating UC.
In Kansas, their status is Gone Ty:
Turner Gill watch
Charlie Weis (1-6)
Turner Gill (3-4)
Hey man don't do that be patient man.
Gill's predecessor left him with a few players to work with...Weis didn't get the same from his predecessor. So don't fret, giver Derp some TIME!
Iowa entered its game against Penn State dreaming about a Big Ten title after a 2-0 start in league play. Midway through the third, here's this lady:
And thus was created the most succinct summary of the 2012 Big Ten in existence. I've been there, lady, and the only fans who haven't root for teams that aren't bowl eligible. BIG TEN!
Things got a little testy at BHGP as Penn State continued showing the Hawkeyes pieces of their vital organs before devouring them. It all starts with an innocent comment by this guy:
Video games can be fun.
CarolinaHawk1: when u were born the doctor said Look, it's some c--- coming out of that c---'s c--- ha ha. Flag that as fast as you can
Liquid Electron: What the f---?
CarolinaHawk1: srry what i meant to say was your an emascilated male
Some discussion ensues about what is the deal with this guy, and this is the conclusion:
What’s he supposed to do, act like everyone isn’t a prick and the world isn’t coming to an end?
Elsewhere, even if Arkansas isn't making an appearance, they're still making an appearance, you dig?
OTHERWISE I’M NOT TALKING.
And this guy is much better if you envision him as the Big Lebowksi:
Let’s cut the nonsense…..we are an absolute embarrassment. Penn St. is an awful team who lost their entire coaching staff and half their team and we are getting humiliated at home in prime time. Matt McGloin is god-awful and he looks like Joe Montana. Penn St is terrible. Our coaching staff is a glorified high school staff getting paid top college dollars. James Vandeberg is a mental midget and a complete bum by any definition of the word. We have our linebackers covering their best recievers….Micah Hyde is the most overrated Hawkeye in recent memory ….a bunch of children with zero heart compounded by a coaching staff that is consistently unprepared……when will demand more?An complete disgrace.
THE BUMS WILL ALWAYS LOSE
I swear I had already C&Ped this before the guy responded "congrats, you just made this week in schaudenfreude." Well spotted, SaturdayMorningKegStanzis.
After a 12-10 loss to Michigan that followed a 17-16 loss to Ohio State and a 19-16 loss to Iowa (in overtime), this is a real thing that is not sarcastic on a real Michigan State blog run by sensible people:
Coached OL at here and OSU, and was a fairly successful OC. He’s also familiar with Dantonio. I’d love to see him come here.
And this is a real facebook post from former Spartan Javon Ringer:
Dan Roushar is in a world of hurt, but not as much as this guy:
Rolled out of bed today more upset and sick than last night
This sucks. Facing the world this week with every UM drag sporting that cocky arrogant grin, wearing their colors -unwashed.
I hate this.
Many if you rcmb'rs are too you to remember all the games from late 80's until Dantonio era.... I hate this week. I can't wait for the first one to offer some sort of mild apology for winning with fg's... Kill.
Fact: Michigan fans suck at trash talk.
REPLAY OF MICHIGAN GAME ON RIGHT NOW
Big Ten Referee: I'm busy slap chopping my balls
Final Countdown: As soon as I finish having sex with my garbage disposal...
TravisoCosmos: REPLAY OF BAD BOYS II ON SPIKE RIGHT NOW
GRR Spartan: I'm too busy poking my eyes with a phillips screw drive to watch.
Damn you Purdue, for replacing what was going to be an epic bounty of Buckeye schadenfreude with yet more walrus-bemoaning. Let's just do it:
Purdue just choked. It choked on every level, and I am not alone as a Purdue fan when I am sitting here, with a gorgeous fall Saturday before me, now ruined and questioning why I continue to follow this team with all my heart. This was an absolute stomach punch of a loss. It was more than a stomach punch. It was a stomach punch, groin kick, headbutt, then a few punches while we're already writhing on the ground.
I don't even know what this means:
COYS and BOILER UP!!
Except that I apparently liked Drew Brees a lot in 2008. Finally, Scott Tenorman of the Week is ranting at epic length. I cut out half of this. It's about how being a Purdue fan is a neve-rending series of Sisyphean tortures—I assume you know this already:
…Stunningly, in over 40 years of Purdue fandom, I have actually seen yet ANOTHER precedent-setting collapse. In a tragedy far too painful to imagine, it was as if I was re-living a mixture of pain stemming from the NIT Championship BBall loss to IU of ‘79 x the ’77 2nd half football collapse and loss to Joe Montana and the Irish x Orton’s fumble of ‘04. (I’m intentionally ignoring even MORE painful memories, as I cannot afford to be sent to the emergency room tonight.)
Sure, all those games were more important and we were actually a CONTENDER for something – ranked and looking to win a championship. But today, having nowhere near a chance for much of anything except a return of some pride following ridiculously moronic blowout losses in our first two B1G outtings, the Boilermaker football program notches yet another back-stabbing, eye-gouging, skin-being-peeled-back feeling of torture, despair and heartbreak for the faithful.
So now, after not being "sucked back in", I had to the opportunity to watch the game I had recored – purposely not knowing the outcome all day so I could watch it in full context – it just occured to me: WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING, DOING THAT TO MYSELF ? …Arrrrrrrggggghhhhh.
For the love of all things Boiler Gold n Black, please, please, please rid us of this coaching staff and a particular AD. This is beginning to become a serious danger to my health.
Give me a copy of the Inferno and a few minutes and I can pin down which circle of hell West Lafayette is… ah, right. It's for walruses and those who sin in pursuit of interesting things to look at.
Cal took another uncompetitive loss in The Big Game. This sort of uncompetitive:
Stanford running back Stepfan Taylor himself outgained the Bears on the ground, running for 189 yards on 28 carries.
Um, when you gain 3 yards rushing, I’m pretty sure just about every one ran the ball for Stanfurd outgained the Bears…
I just checked, yep, all 7 furds who ran the ball, individually rushed for more yards than Cal did as a team.
They're feeling unified about it.
the federer express: BLARGH
TheBuckeyeBear: Here, have a response. BLARGH :(
ak_A: having said blargh, not withstanding blargh, however blargh, etc. etc. ect.
Also this man sees all problems as burrito-oriented.
It’s Tedfords burrito and it is now rotten, time to dump it and start over.
…Tedford is now a liability to the program as fans tune them out and embrace apathy towards our football program.
RAMBLE RAMBLE RAMBLE FIRE TEDFORD AND GET THE AXE BACK NEXT YEAR.
You know what is even better than burritos? Winning? I know we haven’t done much of it lately under Tedford, especially against SC, stanfurd, Oregon, UW, and OSU but it taste even better than the best California Burrito you have ever ate.
I have confidence our new coach next season can get us both tasty wins and tasty burritos because we can have both and we deserve both!
I've heard worse life philosophies. Like whatever this guy's is:
It’s a Saturday night. I’m in Tahoe. And I’m on here while watching a CSPAN replay of the 2nd 1984 Presidential debate…
Even if they'll never see the axe again, Cal gains ground on the TWIS dorkoff with Stanford.
The answer to last weeks "OH GOD WHAT IS USC GOING TO DO TO COLORADO?" question is "set records in a 50-6 win that could have been much worse." Checking in with those still clinging to their pointless existence at AllBuffs:
Sagarin estimates the Heart of a Buffalo...
trapped at lunch with only USA Today to read, I looked at the Sagarin Football Power Ratings. CU checked in at 159. Last among any BCS schools, tucked comfortably between Akron (160) and Army (158). 50 spots ahead was....Villanova. I didn't even know Villanova had a FB team. Oh and next year's FCS opponent Arkansas St. was number 101.
It could be worse, everyone who is not a Colorado fan.
Auburn loses to Vanderbilt, and no one is surprised, least of all that guy from the plane thing when Chizik was hired:
Wonder where that dude is that was yelling 5-19 at the airport?
He looks like a f#*king genius right now!! If I was him I would be outside of JJ office everyday yelling at the top of my lungs, "I TOLD YOU SO YOU SON OF A B!TCH"
LOL. our key to the game is keep it close
So we regressed at handing the ball off I guess....
They are young. Handing off is tough.
yes I'm aware of what I said.....it's a win that we're down to Vandy.....
Is it just me or does anybody else hear the circus clown song during our games
can you fire an OC at halftime? Has it ever been done before?
ABSOLUTELY NO FUNDAMENTALS!!! NOOOOOOONE!!!!!!!!
Did we use halftime as nap time?
We just lost to Vanderbilt......
Chezwiz should give his salary back this year because he surely is not showing up for work. Bobby P please get on the jet this time. Maybe he could start Monday.
Track 'Em Tigers, come on down with the inevitable post title!
This may be the epitaph for Derek Dooley:
Who kicks a field goal down 44-10???
That's Tennessee asking a question they've had plenty of experience with of late, as the rock people paint on campus indicates.
At least they've got an excellent solution:
Seriously, someone should do this. Unless this is just Rocky Top Talk's nickname for Bobby Petrino, in which case on point but boring.
But the field goal was the last straw. That was totally it for me. My little boy was exhausted, so we had started on the way home from my uncle’s house, and I REFUSE to listen to Eli Gold, so I was gamecasting it. When I saw that we kicked the field goal, I just turned off my phone altogether and said, "I’m finished."
The following image is an editorial addition.
NEXT WEEK: Michigan or Nebraska loses an easy shot at the Rose Bowl. Iowa plays Northwestern, probably immolates entire state. Duke-Florida State is important! Auburn versus Johnny Football! OH GOD WHAT IS OREGON GOING TO DO TO COLORADO.