1. Alabama. Bye week. Nick Saban probably spent time with Urban Meyer's family. This is a joke; he watched film 16 hours a day like he always does.
2. Oregon. Put up 35 in the first half on a hapless Washington team, and then let Puddles hold up the play cards for the second half.
3. Florida State. An entirely unprecedented loss, for the observer who had not watched Florida State lose to Clemson or Wake Forest last year on the road, or to N.C. State in 2010, or at Boston College in 2009, or at Georgia Tech in 2008, or any of their other blindside road defeats preventing FSU from attaining maximum "backness." With a weak ACC slate to come and only Florida left in the quality non-conference category, Florida State is effectively out of of the BCS title picture before it truly started. This should also feel like something you have read before.
4. LSU. Lost to Florida 14-6, made seven first downs all day, and did so without a single fake field goal or punt. I don't even know who you are, Les Miles, but you did make it across the 50 in a big game, and there's something to be said for that.
5. Georgia. Lost 35-7 to South Carolina in a game that was at no point competitive in any way. Your annoying homeopath friend says you might want to go gluten-free and see if it helps, Dawgs.
6. South Carolina. Destroyed Georgia 35-7 in a game that was at no point competitive or even challenging for the Gamecocks. Mainline whole cinnamon buns! Gluten is great and is helping your game, South Carolina, and your annoying homeopath friend failed out of community college, so why listen to him about anything, dude.
7. Kansas State. Charlie Weis' decided schematic advantage meant a 40-point loss at the hands of geriatric mastermind Bill Snyder this year. In comparison, former KU football coach Turner GIll's strategic advantage in 2011 meant only a 38-point loss for Kansas against K-State in this game. This means nothing statistically speaking, but everything on a spiritual level.
8. West Virginia. Closed out a 48-45 road shootout with Texas by running the ball for the winning score because life is strange, but Dana Holgorsen is even stranger.
9. Notre Dame. Defeated Miami 41-3 and amassed 584 yards of total offense while holding Miami RB Duke Johnson to 23 yards. This is the part where we remind you to be cautious about Notre Dame while pointing to the box score and nodding enthusiastically and whispering, "Manti Te'o kills men for their own good," over and over again.
10. Florida. Kept its second-half scoreless streak on defense alive while finishing LSU with 24 straight runs on offense. Like good sausage and how it is made, 2012 Florida football is an ugly process to watch with a delicious finished product. (This week's flavor: grass-fed tiger meat)
11. Texas. Was turned into a slightly more disciplined Baylor by West Virginia, something WVU does to everyone. Texas also gave up 207 yards to WVU on the ground, something that should alarm even those accustomed to the warping effects of Dana Holgorsen football on other teams.
12. Ohio State. Quietly staged their own ridiculous 63-38 shootout with Nebraska, but also benefitted from the appearance of 2011 Taylor Martinez and three gift-wrapped interceptions. Definitely the best team in the Big Ten, and that's a real shame since a.) they can't officially be the best team in the Big Ten this year, and b.) that title means way less than it used to, football-wise.
13. USC. Hiccuped early on the road at Utah, and then unloaded on the Utes for a 38-28 conference win. Definitely looked like a superior team to Utah, and see point B from above to reference exactly how much that means.
14. Oregon State. Beat Washington State, 19-6. Resisting urge to call this a "workmanlike" victory. Surrendering, and just giving in to calling it "workmanlike."
15. Clemson. Continued Paul Johnson's year of pain by defeating Georgia Tech, 47-31. Neither looked as good as Duke did on Saturday. Comprehensibility is something the ACC says is for the weak.
16. TCU. Lost 37-23 to Iowa State in Fort Worth, ending the nation's longest winning streak at 12 games and making Iowa State coach Paul Rhoads very proud to be your football coach. (Yes, you. He's proud of you even if your real dad isn't.)
17. Oklahoma. Pummeled Texas Tech in Lubbock 41-20 and did what Bob Stoops does best: go to an obscure corner of the Big 12 after a loss and then burn said town to the ground.
18. Stanford. Won a wild 54-48 overtime game over Arizona that was on at the same time as LSU-Florida just to make the submission match in the Swamp look even more like Cro-Mag SEC football. Arizona's Matt Scott threw the ball 69 times in this game. If you find his arm on the floor, please express mail it to him as soon as possible.
19. Louisville. Bye week. Charlie Strong lifted weights, most likely. Lots of them.
20. Mississippi State. Beat Kentucky 27-14, which means as much as any victory over Kentucky can at this point in history. (Answer: not much.)
21. Nebraska. Still on path to yearly goal of being America's best four-loss team after 63-38 loss to Ohio State.
22. Rutgers. After throwing for a profligate 400 yards-plus against Arkansas, Rutgers' QB Gary Nova returned to the confines of the Big East this week, a place where neither team gets more than 300 yards combined. A 19-3 victory over UConn? Ah, feels like home.
23. Washington. Crushed by Oregon 52-21, but no team with "Bishop Sankey" on the roster ever really loses.
24. Northwestern. Lost 39-28 to Penn State, but still tied for second in the Legends Division behind Iowa. Will Iowa go to the Big Ten Championship Game despite losing to Central Michigan? Oh, you know this is all totally happening.
25. UCLA. Lost 43-17 to Cal, the same team whose only other win was against non-FBS Southern Utah.
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