This week in schadenfreude: Auburn has a plan, a terrible, terrible plan

Wesley Hitt - Getty Images

TWIS collects the dumbest, funniest, most frightening things said on the internet about college football. This week: Broken Seminoles! Don't underrate Duke! Texas fans sleeping on the couch! Clownshoes! Sleepless in East Hartford! Torches! Pitchforks! Kickball! Duke! SERIOUSLY DUKE.

What happens when you lose to the fanbase that coined "false hope is worse than death"? You lead TWIS. Welcome to the We Lost To John L Smith club, Auburn. The gibbering mess in the corner is Jacksonville State. You will spend the next 50 years breaking rocks to pay off JLS's creditors.

Do we have a plan, folks?

I'll bring trashy sluts down for bobby to bang if that's what it takes lol

Yes. We have a plan. And a gamethread.

our o can be summed up as SACKS and SCREENS

3RD AND 22 AND YOU RUN THE BALL????????? J---- C-----!!!

It's raining here...
I think I should turn the tv off and go cut the grass.

Could we just forfeit and save any more embarrassment. A simple war eagle will suffice

I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING TO

Our dl took two weeks off to eat ice cream and watch a twilight marathon

HAHAHAHAHAHA ALL U CAN DO IS LAUGH AT THIS HORRIBLE TEAMsmiley: roll

Instead of dueling banjos we have dueling penalties. Who will suck the least.

Auburn scores.

A TOUCHDOWN? ON THE PLAINS? WHAT SORCERY IS THIS??

Auburn resumes being 2012 Auburn.

Is that ham I smell smoking or Chiz's arse!!

SEC Coach of the Week - John L. Smith

It isn't even fun to drink anymore! Damn it CSL, I'm good at drinking and your ruining it for me. I'm in my prime and your wasting my ability. I'm a damn natural!

Let the sunshine pumping begin! Who still wants Cheese Whiz?!!! LOL

Coaches are proposed.

Bill Snyder

Go hire Nick Saban.

Pete Carroll!!!!!!!!!!!

Bill Cowher

Gruden!!!!!

Everyone slinks off to get drunk at this point. Auburn, you have acquired the Tears of Unfathomable Sadness.

The rest of the week in spleen:

ACC

The flaming wreck that is the Atlantic Coast Conference was largely obscured by the gouts of smoke billowing forth from the Big Ten for the first month of the season. Now that the Big Ten is busy swinging pillows at each other the ACC can reassert itself as the nation's goofiest sack of cats.

Tumblr_mbi7oqp7ng1rgge5no1_500_medium

sadfans.tumblr.com

Florida State did the thing they always do by allowing N.C. State to convert three separate fourth downs en route to losing 17-16. Noles fans too young for the '90s are dead:

dead

Mentally broken. This is the toughest loss to swallow for all generation Y Seminole fans. This was THE year. Emotions were pegged on this to be the year. I had never put soo much faith on a team to deliver. This is just emotions speaking. But for all the shit for the past 10 years its hard to swallow.

by RWONole on Oct 6, 2012 10:30 PM PDT

And wives are profound:

Something my wife said tonight really rang true tonight

"BBBBLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!"

She ate some bad sauerkraut at Oktoberfest and was spewing all night.

It was so prophetic, you’d have thought she was calling the plays.

Come to think of it, she went to sleep at 9:30 as well. Just when our offense did as well…

I need to have some words with that woman.

by Dogrel on Oct 6, 2012 10:38 PM PDT

Also in Florida State misery: "#bringongrobe," "the longer you stay in the ACC, the more ACC you become", and this guy:

Let's hire chip Kelly

Lets get photoshop and photoshop our pics into some second mile pics with Jerry Sandusky then lets sue the charity and penn state. Then we will take our money to become influential boosters and hire Chip Kelly an actual offensive coordinator and he will dominate the Ayy Cee Cee either that or hire Petrine and make sure all the admins are brunettes not blondes

by JimboStoopstoSEClevel on Oct 7, 2012 12:53 PM PDT

This is a better idea than hiring Jim Grobe, at least.

Boston College lost to Army, which was coming off a 23-3 loss to Stony Brook. This has managed to move the hearts of the already-battered Eagle fanbase, as you might expect. It's bad enough that players are tweeting like this:

@ALJ_5 (ALJ): Speechless ……… Something gotta change

@spiffy_thatsme7 (Spiffy Evans)
This losing crap been old since week one. Something gotta change.

by EagleAboveTheRim on Oct 6, 2012 1:41 PM PDT

"Something" is likely to be Frank Spaziani whenever BC gets around to finding an athletic director who will work for them. Until then, here's an extremely strange man.

yes they are

Your a jerk.

You are MIA.

Hiring Spazoo.
Hiring Tranquill.
Extending the scumbag.
Punching out Rogers.
Not firing him in the great window last year was BOT, Mrs McG newton Twattie INCOMPETENT!

Your reading comprehension and knowledge of facts and BC sports is juvenile.

I could take a dump and know more about sports and life than you.

BC IS FXCKING CLOWNSHOES and I posted that 10 years ago and if not for Jags it is 8-10 years!

Negotiate what? Guaranteed 3 years and if I was Spazoo I would go Harpo Marx and say nothing and Bc has to pay him. So we save a few hundred thousand and have a certified asshole that I warned about in e-mails to Leahy, GDF, the BOT numerous times ruin my alma mater?

GET THE FXCK OUTTA MY ALMA MATER with that weak ass they know what they are doing horseshit!

If they did we would have Mike Leach, or Chris Peterson or Chryst or Urban Meyer you asshole!

THAT WAS THE STATEMENT TO MAKE LAST NOVEMBER AND ITS TOO FUCKING LATE AND THEY KNEW RECRUITING WAS IN THE SHITTER RCMBC81 YOU STUPID MOON!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO POST THAT!!!

REMEMBER THE MAINE!

Most important rebuild hire in BC Football Program history is the next Head Coach! The Worst is Yet To Come has Now Arrived!

by BCEagle74 on Oct 6, 2012 3:09 PM PDT

Remember the battleship that blew up a hundred years ago and stuff. Clownshoes. People being called moons for some reason. Stanford would never do this.

Virginia didn't just lose to Duke, they got annihilated 42-17. By Duke! Which is Duke! Which is Duke missing their starting quarterback. From Old Virginia tries to cope:

Fuck_duke_bmp_medium

GGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
This week I am a walking, talking, and especially, writing, illustration of the duality of man. I love to preach sanity, patience, and measured responses. It's how I am. This weekend that part of me is in a raging deathmatch with the irrational raving lunatic that lives inside of every college football fan. (Sometimes not very deep inside.) I'm fighting back the urge to say the things that we all think after games like that, such as:

  1. UNACCEPTABLE
  2. what the hell do these guys even care?!?!
  3. FIRE EVERYONE
  4. never been so embarrassed in my life
  5. SHIT DAMN F--- DAMN F--- F--- F--- SHIT
  6. F---
It's a losing battle. As you might have guessed.

It's as everyone always never says, especially Florida State fans:

don’t underrate Duke

by wkn1 on Oct 6, 2012 10:28 PM PDT

I can't even touch on VT's season imploding or Miami losing 41-3. ACC!

Big East

UConn fans weren't going to have a lot of patience for exhumed fossil Paul Pasqualoni, and they have clearly run out:

It's not really worth breaking down UConn's loss to Rutgers. It's the same song and dance. It's the same thing we've seen for a year and a half. What I'd rather talk about is a true love story. Maybe we should call it Sleepless In East Hartford, with Tom Hanks playing [UConn OC] George DeLeone and Meg Ryan playing Run Up The Middle For No Gain.

Next week, UConn fans suggest that what's really going on is When Harry Met Sally with Meg Ryan as the football team and Billy Crystal as the fans looking around hoping they just stop doing whatever it is that they're doing and thinking about quietly slinking out before anyone catches them with this person.

South Florida lost to Temple, which yes is in the Big East again. Technically, anyway. Oh, man, there's an "if we lose to Temple…" thread on bullspen.com from last week that's been bumped.

Pregame:

Think the end of frankenstein, when the villagers have the pitch-forks and torches marching towards the castle ready to kill the monster... a scene much like that will occur...

If we lose...oh man..I'll post so much on here and rant and rave..oh man that'll teach'em.

:angrymob::angrymob::angrymob::angrymob::angrymob:

:angrymob::angrymob::angrymob::angrymob::angrymob:

i can't even consider it

If we lose to Temple, what's left to melt down?

Postgame:

just fire everyone and start over in trailers

Big Ten

Nebraska gave up 63 points and the opposing quarterback threw for under 150 yards. There is a meltdown thread on Huskerboard…

WHAT the sh#t? HOLY f#*k we f'ing suck monkey a-hole.

…that got posted before the second half…

Let's see how the defense responds in the 2nd half before we meltdown.

…and features people who don't realize that other schools have scholarships too:

i don't get it. with everything these kids are given, including a free education, when they step on the UNL campus, you'd think we'd see a better result.

Also this man and others:

Grr and stuff.

These blowout/meltdown games have Feaux Pelini's prints all over them; turnovers, penalties, yards allowed, sideline screams.

I have coached for 47 years, and I disagree with the fella that has coached for 42 years, and the one that has coached for 46 years.

I have coached so long I have forgotten how long I have coached for. One day I will say something relevant that makes sense.

After all these years of coaching brilliance, I should be famous. Or something.

Thank you for reading my drivel.

Carry on.

Check.

In West Lafayette—yes it is a real place, Orson—Purdue was down 21-0 in the first quarter and it only got worse from there. Well done, people who gardened instead of watching the thing:

If you didn't watch it, congratulations. Those hours that you spent coaching your children, watching better football, gardening, painting, napping or hunting for the perfect pumpkin were hours well-spent. But the three hours that I spent in one of my favorite places in the world, I'll never get back.

I hope you all won kickball tournaments.

so glad i won a kickball tourney today

Otherwise I’d be committing mass homicides

by HawkeyeBoiler on Oct 6, 2012 7:36 PM PDT

Apparently some players took to Twitter to complain about fan support?

…they need to worry about their own responsibilities. Lecturing the fans should be pretty f-cking far down the list. And really, you're going to lecture and/or complain about the people who actually come out to witness that kind of horseshit performance? Those people are the real mother-fricking fans! They are the ones you should be apologizing to after that kind of display of what I guess we're obligated to call football.

"I guess we're obligated to call it football" should be the Big Ten's new motto.

Big 12

Tumblr_mbi738qbme1rgge5no1_500_medium
i used to think i could do things

Texas fans are shellshocked after getting the full Holgo. They're sleeping on the couch, too:

Snide Aside: As bad as we feel as fans Think how those kids in that Longhorn locker room feel?

realmccoy: At least they got a better chance than me at getting some tonight. Wife pissed for throwing shit during the game.

dukeoforange: mine too. I scared the dog out of his sleep. She told me to apologize to him and i said no. than i said yes…screw wvu! you made me scare my dog and lose my dignity in one fell swoop! you toothless slack-jawed yokels!

Come on, man, if you're going to call someone a slack-jawed yokel you've got to use "then" right. E-rule. Fact. E-fact.

Pac-12

This column has dearly missed UCLA being a maddening up-and-down team that drives the Bruins Nation guys batty, but after a 43-17 loss to a Cal team that was 1-4 entering the game, the Bruins are back, baby.

Jim Mora's "Coachspeak" (EXCUSES) Explaining The Berkeley Debacle

Mora Rolls Out Lame "Inexperience" Excuse, In Denial About UCLA’s Focus & Discipline Issues

The "Eye Test": Bloodbath at Berkeley, 0-7 Since 1998

No one circles the wagons so they can set them on fire and hear the lamentation of the children like the UCLA Bruins. Jim Mora is in Year 1 of his tenure, beat Nebraska, and is two wins away from matching UCLA's win total from a year ago:

The honeymoon is officially over. Our patience has worn thin after years of Dorrell's dull conservatism, Neuheisel's overbearing relentless optimism, Chianti Dan Guerrero's overall gross incompetence and Chancellor Block's gross apathy (did anyone catch the Cal game?) So thin, in fact that Mora is not allowed to use the same excuses that UCLA head coaches have been using since the Dorrellian era.

UCLA should just start shooting coaches into the sun at their introductory press conferences. Srs:

Disagree...

No, no, no, no no….we’re are not going there again.

I am sorry but the countdown clock did not restart at zero when Jr. was hired. In my mind he’s year five of the CRN years and NOW, with this schedule and with the players, is the put up or shut year.

That may be unreasonable (or at the very least somewhat unfair to Jr.) but no less unreasonable than the interminable decay of the program under Grrrerror.

by GemCityBruin on Oct 8, 2012 8:19 AM PDT

Brb, going to immolate myself in the corona of a nuclear fusion machine for $3 million a year.

Washington lost, but due to a failed Scout.com revamp the free board on Dawgman is gone. I can no longer troll for Willingham comparisons. Think of me in this time of need.

SEC

SB Nation's own Doug Gillett in the aftermath of Georgia's 35-7 hosing at the hands of South Carolina:

I also enjoyed the UGA take on the optimist/pessimist divide that rules every message board:

Can't wait to hear the rainbow skittle crowd take on the game

Optimists are also termed "Disney Dawgs." This man is not one of them:

We Can't Even Get a Decent Meltdown Thread on this Lonely Assed Board ...



even after the biggest embarrassment in the history of UGA football..Bar NONE
and Nuway...uhh I mean Jefferson...Aaron Murray is still and always will be a pussy...Richt is a perpetual loser that is long overdue to be unemployed...
and I'm going hunting next week....whether you approve or not

lick my arse you pretentious blowhard

Avoid Georgia woods this week, Aaron Murray, if you're not busy cleaning the egg off your house. Georgia fans are wildly divergent.

All of Missouri is hurt from starting quarterback James Franklin on down to the six-year-old who can't fingerpaint because of a stinger. They lost to Vandy as a result. Half of the state contemplating the rest of the state's injury state:

by ImNotBanksy on Oct 6, 2012 7:51 PM PDT

Meanwhile, this man has tenure:

I'm 35 years old

and the first time I ever threw up from drinking too much was tonight. Some friends from the hometown rolled into KC, we hit the bars, watched some of the game, went to dinner, at some point my cousin informed that Mizzou had lost, I went into the bathroom and tossed my cookies, we went to Westport where I had a beer and whiskey, I asked my cousin, "wait, so seriously, Mizzou lost," I had more to drink, we went back to the hotel for a bit, I got a ride home from some totally shady cabbie dude who somehow did not stab and rob me but instead just charged me seven bucks so I tipped him well and gave him the full ten bucks, then I got on the internet to confirm that, yes, Mizzou lost, and now I’m typing this. Thank God for spell check. I’m going to go pass out now. I’m glad that I’ll always remember this as the night of my bachelor party with my buddies from Springfield. Throwing up from drinking is awesome because it means you can go drink some more. I have tenure.

by Professor Chaos on Oct 7, 2012 1:19 AM PDT

College football.

NEXT WEEK: Red River shootout! Auburn-Ole Miss! Duke beats Virginia Tech! Seriously! Maybe. Arkansas-Kentucky! Oh man. Arkansas-Kentucky.

Check the national college football scoreboard right here, and look through SB Nation's many excellent college football blogs to find your team's community.

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