This Week In Schadenfreude: Alabama meets Johnny Football

Mike Zarrilli

TWIS collects the goofiest things people said on the internet about college football. This week: RUN THE FRIGGIN BALL ALABAMA AND DON'T LOSE TO JOHNNY FOOTBALL, missing Bill Stewart, forcing Miami fans to go to Orlando botanical gardens, and the Job of college football. Plus Lord of the Rings reference!

Alabama. They did not win. You have undoubtedly seen the guy who appears to be playing COD at the same time he is watching a football game, which seems fake to me but doesn't say "the Chive" on it so may not be. The guy says, "CUMONG," like a vet, which is also a point in favor of its authenticity.

Also here are some people who appear to be joint LSU/Alabama fans who tape their dog being mad about the Alabama loss and put it on the internet:

I don't understand.

A quick selection of threads opining on playcalling for the Tide:

Sorry if your head blew up after "Kudo's." That thread features this amazing post:

    Nuss is horrible!!! IMO, he was trying to get AJ the heisman the last 2 weeks. When "ALABAMA" has 1st and goal from the 6.......we dont get cute.........we dont pass.........we pound your AZZ!!!!

    It's too bad I don't care about education or the economy and live in Michigan anyway, or I could make some comments about the economy and education that would really burn some people up.

CBS TV timeouts make me die a little inside each time.

seriously??? here goes the DA OC again...ran positive yards...pass on 2nd..incomplete...pass on 3rd down...interception!!!

Bama about to get their azz whipped today!

game has earmarks of a blow out.

They're down, 7-0, at this point. And are Alabama. Gamethreads are insane everywhere. I mean:

A loss today and all of a sudden the Iron Bowl becomes much more interesting.

Any college football gamethread is an excuse to beat yourself with a stick. Alabama goes down, 14-0, and DEATH

I think I'll go mow the yard

are Sh!tting me????

Ballgame over

what the hell is going on right now?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

COME ON!!!!! EVERYBODY!!!!!!!! DEFENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Still 14 down in the first quarter:

When will aTm call off the dogs?

Bama's mailed it in. They've conceded.

Now 20-0. There is one guy not jumping off a bridge.

Why the HELL are we THROWING THE BALL ??

Fire Nuss.....he is damn idiot!!!!

Theme from above repeated a little bit maybe. 'Bama scores anyway, 20-7. They are still impressed with Johnny Football.

If I had a vote for Heisman, this little dude would get my vote.

Bama scores again, 20-14, halftime. Truth.

Tracy Wolfson is a brave woman

Kickoff, A&M punts, Alabama gets the ball and drives.

Horrible.....Defnse holds and damn throwing the ball

2nd and 5 - he passes bangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbanghead

Run the damn ball!!!!

Great job Nuss!!!!!!!!!!!! you my friend are brilliant !!!!!!!!11

Coach Saban needs to chew some OC Azz!

GIVE the BALL to LACY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bama kicks a field goal, 20-17 A&M.

oh, well...does this guy ever through inomplete passes? wow...good pass there.

we've become a horrible 3rd down defense.

have I mentioned we're a horrible 3rd down defense?

this guy may be the best rollout QB I've seen in a loooong time

CAN THEY MAKE ONE FREAKING MISTAKE???

That's the fastest little dude I've ever seen at QB.

apparently Manziel runs a 3.2

End of three, A&M driving.

uggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggbanghead

Biiiiiiiig Stop!!!! The O is going to have to drive and take the lead + give the D a breather!!! Hey Nuss.......Run the Damn Ball!!!

The corner everyone's been complaining about comes up big, A&M field goal, 23-17 A&M.

might could win if we could get a 14 minute drive ending with a TD run.

Not so much.

The DAMN playcalling!!

TERRRIBLE THORW A.J.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!

CNS - let Danielson call the plays!

Bullchit.....just absolute Bullchit. Everbody in the damn world knows we should be running ball........except our POS OC!

A&M drives again.

need a turnover...can tamu just make ONE freakin mistake?

wow...I may have to be checked into the hospital tonight...

They miss a field goal.

RUN THE DAD GUM BALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

first time ive screamed like this in a long time

NUSSMEIR RUN EDDIE RIGHT THEN LEFT THEN RIGHT THEN LEFT THEN RIGHT THEN

Alabama coughs up a fumble.

It helps not to fumble the ball

A&M touchdown.

Mr football makes not mistakes tonight. Only hope, is receiver tips it up and we intercept.

That Swopes kid needs to be punched in the mouth

Manziel is just....................................dang

29-17, A&M.

Texas A&M has the fastest white kids I've ever seen.

Bama TD, 29-24.

we need a tipped ball here for INTERCEPTION!

Punt instead. McCarron hits Bell for 54 yards on the first play of the subsequent drive. First and goal on the six, down five, score or die.

ok, great passing, BUT RUN THE dang football

McCarron drops three times, scrambles twice, throws INT on fourth down.

freaking 1st and goal at the 5 and you don't just pound it in???? what??????????

OCbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbanghead
1st on the 6bangheadbangheadbangheadbanghead
Where's the beefbangheadbangheadbangheadbanghead

who had the great idea to bring a&m into the sec

The D jumps offsides on a punt to end it.

that is just absurd

The game ended like a half hour ago.

Run the damn ball!!!!!!

Alabama, you have acquired the Tears of Unfathomable Sadness. Enjoy them, you will probably not feature here until 2015.


For even more Bama schadenfreude || Spencer Hall's Alphabetical || Bill Connelly's Numerical

The rest of the week in spleen:

ACC

Miami lost by a point to Virginia, causing CaneSpace to post a bunch of botanical garden pictures.

With just over a two minutes left I stood there with my heart pounding, adrenaline racing through my veins while cheering and pleading with the Hurricane defense to stop the Cavaliers just this one time.

With under two minutes to go I literally got down on my knees and prayed. I shamelessly begged each of the UM defensive players to make a play and groveled with the UM coaches to please do something, anything, to make a call that would work.

Bok poster
With under a minute left and the Cavaliers now in scoring position in Miami's red zone I turned off the television and left my house to go to the "Sunset and Symphony" concert at Bok Tower Gardens in Lake Wales.

I could not take any more suffering and had yelled and prayed my last.

I needed to see (and hear) something beautiful.

I just knew that the ending of this game was going to be too painful to watch

To end the suffering, this man went to Orlando. But this is not very Miami. More is required.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

Maybe we tried to lose yesterday. That way we have no pressure on declining the acccg. If shalala declined the acccg everybody would be calling for her head

Miami quotient achieved.

Big East

Undefeated Louisville took on Syracuse looking to remain undefeated, and emphatically did not do so despite tearing up a cardboard cutout of Ryan Nassib in the locker room. What say you, Card Chronicle?

9-1. I know we're disappointed, but that's no reason to turn into the Scout board right now.

by CardHeart on Nov 10, 2012 3:00 PM PST

I see. What say you, Louisville Scout board?

Louisvill_ Car_inals

No effort. No defense.

Our defense us PUTRID

PRACTICALLY NON EXISTENT

Hey [DC] Vance [Bedford]!!!!!!! hows that Fing train now? Post Rating (4 votes)


bangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbanghead

This guy is threatened with banishment and takes it in good spirits.

what do you mean i wont get to post or read these bullshit post that mask the truth anymore? I cant say what I'm thinking about our coaches or team, i cant respond ?

lets see if i can get outta here sooner **** you ***** I'm out!

This man is a pastor.

Heigth of their extra point!

Look how high their extra point was compared to ours all year long!! Just trying to find something else to talk about banghead

2 WORDS RUTGERS 2006 Post Rating (1 vote)

Nuff said.

I have no idea what that means since I do not root for a Big East team.

Lolwut thread:

All on you Strong

Goldenboi: The Strong blank stare after a poor effort by our D is unfortunately nothing new

CardinalChampions: The spirit of Kragthorpe lingers...

LuvThaCards: Charle is probably as mezmorized as the rest of us. You think he expected his players to come out and lay an egg today?

Obligatory fairness bit: this was tough to dig up, as a lot of people are like the first guy who can count the wins versus the losses and come to a conclusion.

Big 12

So, this exists.

14294_4501201462349_650056669_n_medium

Things are not going as well for West Virginia as they were earlier in the season. It's time to make the obvious move.

Scrap the year.

Bench Geno and let's start working with our up and coming stars. It can't get any worse than a lose. We could really get a good start on next year now. A losing season has to be unacceptable at this U or we will fall right back from wence we came.

No, seriously.

Time To Bench Geno

And get our young guys ready for next year

Huggz would do it.

RE: Time To Bench Geno

bench him to send a message, Huggs would do it. Nothing wrong with benching him a few series. I honestly think everything has gone to his head cuz something is wrong.

Huggs just lost to Gonzaga by a billion.

Big Ten

Northwestern has made a specialty of getting punched in the gut this year—this decade—and took it to the Next Level Saturday when a Northwestern safety batted a 53-yard prayer to Michigan's Roy Roundtree with eight seconds left, setting up the game-tying field goal. An overtime later, Northwestern exits with a loss and fans start throwing up blog posts like

What's Your Worst Northwestern Football Loss?

The "bag of death" that is Northwestern basketball's valiant, but so far futile, attempt to make their first NCAA tournament is off limits, and quickly referenced anyway. It's tough out there for a Wildcat.

As for the game itself:

Northwestern played Russian Roulette with a 1,000 barrel revolver and a single bullet, and yet here we are, sweeping their brains off the floor. We looked around and said "you can't be serious!", and whoever "you" is, he wanked aggressively and confirmed to us that he was. He was and remains completely serious, and every second we are closer to dying is his new favorite second.

This is Northwestern at the moment:

PISS POOR

Yeah, so, I’m pretty sure my left ass cheek could’ve called a shuffle step up the gut repeatedly in the most predictable circumstances imaginable in this game. I’m from the state called O-HI-O (in the north) and Oh-haugh-uh (in the south). The opinion both parts of this state could agree upon for about a decade or so was:

JOHN COOPER WAS A WUSS AND DESERVED TO LOSE EVERY SINGLE GAME HE LOST AGAINST MICHIGAN.

And today, so did we. Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic and predictable.

So it goes, guys. My freshman year was 1995. If you told me then SEVENTEEN F*CKING YEARS AGO, that we would not have won a bowl game by 2012 I probably would not have been happy.

SEVENTEEN FUCKING YEARS.

Hey Dantonio and Beckman: JUST GO DEEP. Throwing the ball a long way = win for you.

Real easy equation. Hoke even figured it out. But Brown should definitely come back for 10 or 20 more years, that would be great. And definitely don’t put a safety deep on a big receiver down field at the end of the fourth quarter. That would be silly.

by danwhite77 on Nov 10, 2012 7:31 PM PST

Also this:

Sad reality: We're just losers


I expected to lose this game every step of the way...even up 3 with :28 to go. This is a loser mentality, I'll admit. But we are losers. When it counts, we lose. Our coaches, offense, defense and special teams combined today to find a way to lose. As I've written before, our "trust yourself" sign is laughable. When things are tight and late with anything on the line, *no one* within this program trusts that we'll prevail. And we don't. I was watching this game with a friend at a bar with no other NU fans. Other patrons were congratulating me on the "win" after the interception. I told them that we'd still lose, and they looked at me with blank stares. Then they watched and understood. This is what we do.

Confident prediction: We'll probably lose at MSU (possible W with little at stake), beat Illinois, then go to a decent bowl game, regardless of 9-3 or 8-4 (thanks to the OSU/PSU situation). I will attend, because I'm a die hard fan who apparently enjoys torturing himself. And I'll witness history as we lose our NCAA record-breaking 10th consecutive bowl game, regardless of opponent. We might get crushed, or we might lose another heartbreaker, but we *will* lose. I will hoist a "we're #1" sign, then go drink.

This man is Scott Tenorman of The Week.

And, Illinois. They lost by a lot to someone. Who does not really matter. This is what matters:

You Can’t Make Me Quit

That's frequent—too frequent—TWIS feature A Lion Eye, who is more patient than Job. Here's his status:

…allow me to set the scene for you. I sat in the press box for this game. This picture is my current view. Everything about that field excites me. This stadium excites me. We’ve been over this before – this is home to me.

Over my left shoulder is a television. On that television is the coach I wanted after Ron Zook was fired: Kevin Sumlin. His Aggies lead #1 Alabama on the road 29-24 with 40 seconds left.

Illinois was supposedly in the running for Sumlin last year. They got Tim Beckman.

I stare straight ahead at an empty Memorial Stadium. We lost. Again. Shot ourselves in the foot six times. Again. We’re now on a 12 game Big Ten losing streak with no real end in sight. Purdue knocked off Iowa today – they’ll beat us. No chance we win at Northwestern (NO CHANCE WE WIN AT NORTHWESTERN!!). And then next year’s Big Ten schedule starts Nebraska – Wisconsin – Michigan State – Penn State. 18 straight Big Ten losses looks like a lock at this point. Man oh man oh man.

So why does this field excite me? Why do I look at this stadium under the lights and still dream of a crazy, rocking night game environment like the 2000 Michigan game? Why can’t I quit this?

No one knows. A Lion Eye is a better fan than all of us, and let us give thanks that we will never approach this level in a thousand years. Send down the boils, Angry Extremely Specific A-Lion-Eye-Hating God. Send the fumbles and the offense that can't cross the 50 and coach who sounds like a creepy stalker when he says, "in the weight room," and is probably a worse coach than the guy who took over for him at Toledo. Send all your plagues! SEND EVERYTHING IT DOES NOT MATTER. A Lion Eye will be sitting in the rain, refusing to cry, not needing to anyway because the whole universe is doing it for him. And he won't even start an emo band.

We need a statue of this man. HERO OF THE YEAR: Robert from A Lion Eye. I almost went Marcus Vick when this happened to Michigan once.

Elsewhere in Illinois: Bobby Petrino isn't just for SEC teams.

Pac 12

There is nothing in the Pac-12 that really rose to the level of TWIS this week, just teams riding out poor seasons or already resigned to firing their coaches.

SEC

QUICK QUICK THE LOSING LET'S GET TO IT

Tennessee!

Following Tennessee football recently has been maddening, and today I think it's safe to say that madness has finally driven us off the cliff in a maniacal, burning rage. So passes Denethor.

I just wrote a haiku comparing Michigan's third down back to Gandalf saying YOU SHALL NOT PASS because he pass blocks really well, so this was auto-include.

Auburn!

Rumor now is that Gouge wants Jim Tressel

This was on Jox radio. I also read where Pat Sullivan will get a long look from JJ. Im not sure if I want Tressel although he would be a huge name. Pat Sullivan is just an interview wasted.

-------------------------------

Tigertail: Please god let this Tressel rumor be true.

mentonetiger: ^^this^^^ I don't think tressel will come anyway... I hear he finally landed his dream job as manager at weenie hut Jr...

Prepare your head for explosion. Tigertail returns after some dudes are like "Jim Tressel has a show-cause from the NCAA":

I'm confused do you guys want a choir boy or do you want to win? I think we have a choir boy now and how is that working for us? I personally want to win. I don't want a preacher. I want a ruthless competitor for a coach even if that means pushing the rules a little bit.

/asplode

And while there's too much actual losing going on in the SEC to seriously highlight Florida scraping one out with walk-off punt block against Lousiana-Lafayette, this column would be remiss if it didn't point out that Orson wrote an entire column about the times he crapped himself as an adult because this was preferable to talking about the game. SPOILER: Orson has pooped on himself a lot.

NEXT WEEK: Alabama takes out its anger on… Western Carolina? South Carolina… Wofford? Georgia… Georgia Southern? Herk. Okay, here's some business: USC-UCLA will send either Bruins Nation or San Clemente into stabbing fits! West Virginia's tailspin continues against Oklahoma or Land Thieves gets a funny banner! Tennessee probably loses to Vandy! Wake Forest upsets Notre Dame (you owe me, God!) BUFFALO-MASSACHUSSETTS!

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