Hey there, it's me, Martin. I like football. I bet you do too. Football is neat and bowl games are great. You get lots of commercials, bowl sponsors plastering their names and messaging all over until you're thinking about Tostitos and Beef 'O' Brady's in the shower. They're inside your head don't you like Capital One yes you do they have vikings and San Diego County Credit Union poinsettias are the best kind of poinsettias.
Let's watch all the bowl games together and rate them based on their watchability, which is a formula I have created that includes all-important things like commentators, GIFs, fun hairstyles, student sections, logos, colors and scoring. This is my rating system, and it will not be very refined. It also might change from game to game just because. Every game will get assigned a rating out of 10 possible Schnellenberger Pipes.
Gildan New Mexico Bowl -- 8 Schnellenberger Pipes
December 15, Arizona 49, Nevada 48
Oh yeah, here we go. This was the first bowl game, and that is good because if I didn't get any more football soon I was going to start playing football with various household objects. My milk jug defensive end almost scored a fat guy touchdown yesterday. So this bowl gets points just for being football.
Arizona got us going early with some dancing. Dancing is great, and if you don't like to dance, that is okay, I understand. I get self-conscious too. Also, the game was in New Mexico, so people got to make lots of Breaking Bad jokes, and if there's anything the internet likes more than Sriracha, it is Breaking Bad.
There was like a lot of red. So much red. Arizona had red pants and red shoes and red helmets and the sidelines were red and the end zones were red and I just wanted to drink Mountain Dew Code Red all day. It was like that Eiffel 65 song, but instead of Blue it was Red, get it?
Arizona's nose tackle punched an Arizona linebacker in the face, so that gets a bump.
When Nevada went up 21-0, I got a little scared this game wouldn't be worth it for the long haul, but the Wildcats stormed back and made this a MAC-fest in the nick of time.
Basically this was a bowl game with two teams I didn't watch enough of during the season who matched up well and didn't play any defense, giving us what turned into an incredibly entertaining game that had just about everything you could ask for, including a game-winning drive off an onside kick with under a minute to play.
Famous Idaho Potato Bowl -- 4 Schnellenberger Pipes
December 15, Utah State 41, Toledo 15
With what might be my favorite bowl game logo, a football that is a baked potato, the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl takes things we all love -- carbs, fame, football -- and gives it to us on the blue turf.
I know Toledo didn't sell a ton of tickets to this game and Idaho isn't a sexy destination, but this seemed to be another good pairing with Utah State (10-2) and Toledo (9-3) both having successful, high-scoring seasons (36th and 39th in the country, respectively). Utah State's Kerwynn Williams and Toledo's Bernard Reedy are two of the most exciting players in the country, and they certainly put on a show in the Spud Bowl.
Ultimately, the game was far from explosive until the fourth quarter, with Toledo suffering injuries to a number of important players. That led to a lot of drifting, reading tweets and casually wishing Gremlins was still on VH1, good for a loss of a few Schnelly Pipes right there. It eventually got more fun, but the FCS game between Sam Houston State and Eastern Washington proved to be a lot more watchable.
If it wasn't for the spuds, this game would've been a real drag. Even with all the taters and tater-related fun, the game was still pretty rough for the most part.
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