This week in schadenfreude: Iowa considers their Paterno phase

Prevail and Ride

This Week In Schadenfreude collects the week's most deranged college football commetary. This time out, Iowa invents a pantheon of gods that hate them, Clemson MANS UP, Rich Rodriguez turns into the saddest muppet, Washington State fans think that's the worst thing they ever seen, and Arkansas fans get up to a quintuple facepalm. Armadillos are discussed again. College Football!

Intro image via Thujone's shamepaint. (Warning: cartoon danglies.)

Last week Patrick Vint of Black Heart Gold Pants ended a preview post on the Central Michigan Chippewas like so:

…take away what you can from this tomato can: Nothing. Nothing at all.

CMU had squeezed out an 11-point victory over Southeast Missouri State and gotten bombed 41-7 by Michigan State, so that was about right. Iowa contrived to lose, though, and in mind-blowing fashion. Up eight, they gave up a late touchdown, stuffed the two-point try, recovered an onside kick that was called back for delay of game, got out of the way of the next one and allowed the Chips to get it, then took a personal foul to set up CMU's winning field goal.

Do you know how Michigan State kind of stopped being Michigan State a few years ago? They still occasionally blow a Rose Bowl by hilariously roughing the kicker but relative to the rest of the Big Ten they're low on game-blowing mistakes. Yeah, so, Iowa is now Michigan State:

CENTRAL MICHIGAN 32, IOWA 31: IDIOTS ON PARADE

That's not how Iowa is supposed to lose football games. Sloppy tackling? Mental mistakes? Lack of discipline? Iowa's supposed to be the smart, disciplined, mentally and technically sound team that doesn't make mistakes but waits for the other team to do so. That's the whole point of Iowa football under Kirk Ferentz: do the basic, foundational things well and then everything else will fall into place. Whoops.

CMU did the exact same thing to State back in their bad old days. QED.

So, that sucks. I don't think anyone would blame you if you invented a new malevolent god that is doing this to you. The other malevolent god clearly exists.

Guys, I've figured this out - AIRBHG has brought in his cousin - AICGHG

See, now that we’ve got Weisman, a RB that’s apparently tough enough (so far) to evade the wrath and scheming of AIRBHG, he’s brought back our nemesis whose mojo ran out for a while starting in the PSU ’08 game - Angry Iowa Close Game Hating God.

Its the only logical explanation. We’ve got a running back curse, and a close game curse. AICGHG does stuff to cause unexplainable mental lapses, brainfarts during games, bad coaching decisions, he fucks with the space time continuum so that our clock management goes to hell… AICGHG is like Bizarro Superman, he comes here for the sole purpose to kill – well, not kill – but to destroy Iowa’s chances of winning games that there is absolutely no reason we should not win…

by The Bird Cult on Sep 23, 2012 9:47 AM PDT

Nah

This was just AIRBHG’s revenge for being unable to harm Weisman directly. The Angry Iowa Walk On Loving God was protecting Weisman, so AIRBHG decided to strike at the very soul of Weisman and the Iowa fan base by causing this loss.

Basically, AIRBHG is Bane and Weisman is Batman.

by Seer on Sep 23, 2012 10:49 AM PDT

A Mike Jones complains "Our punishment has already been severe enough," causing this to happen:

Angry Iowa Running Back Hating Bane disagrees

8016364734_57a3e56c9a_medium

by LincolnParkWildcat on Sep 23, 2012 11:00 AM PDT

A bit later, the Greg Davis offense inspires its 613th sarcastic photoshop job.

Jump-to-conclusions-mat_zpsddd8d19d_medium

Kirk Ferentz has a ten year contract with a $21 million dollar buyout and has made his son an assistant coach.

THERE WAS ALSO A FOOTBALL GAME. A STUPID G*D D$#* F#&$ING FOOTBALL GAME. A PIECE OF S$ F#$*$* G*D D@#M F#&@*@ S$*T! COULDN'T STOP G*D D#@* F&$*ING NOBODY! F*#& A SIMPLE F$#&$*G ONSIDE KICK, JUST STAND THERE AND F&$#*NG STARE AT IT.LET THEM F&$#*#G WALK RIGHT DOWN THE MOTHER F*#$G FIELD! THROW THE F&$#*#G BALL TO THE F*#*G OPEN RECEIVER. F*#*! #**(#@ #*@)*(#*)@ #*$#$&!@)!@(@ !! THEY ARE G*D D*#$ LAUGHING AT US! F*#*! LOSE BY A G*D D#*# FIELD GOAL, THE G*D D*#& KICKER'S LONGEST EVER. AT HOME! G*D D#*$ F*$#&#G SON OF A B*$&#! F*#& IT!

Yep. Tears of Unfathomable Sadness are yours.

ACC

I won a bet with myself. I said, self "I bet one of those guys is taping himself and putting it on the internet" after the Clemson loss. I owe myself a dollar.

quit sissifyin' our boys, man

Those guys are not taking this any more. Scott Tenorman of the Week, deployed.

Georgia Tech fell behind by 19, ripped off 29 consecutive points, and then lost in OT to Miami, leading me to post some guy's avatar for the first time ever:

Ish

Dodd-like

Ish's Avatar

Join Date: Jan 2004
Posts: 3,354

Also he posted this:

DefaultThis is what it feels like to be a Tech fan right now:


Victorino_medium

Another entrant here. Elsewhere, a 10-page thread about who GT fans will defect to when they finally jump ship, and this guy:

AngryPaul Johnson = Paul Hewitt!!!!!


Well this season is basically over unless we beat the Mutts. Not going to Happen! Richt will make us his Bitch once again and if you don't believe me just wait and see. Why did this happen? Well because of Tevin Washington. I remember somebody telling me that Tevin was a WAY better passer then Nesbitt but I told him that Nesbitt Squated like 700lbs and that Tevin would never be a sure 4th & 1 guy like Nesbitt. BINGO!!! I would have gone for the 4th down in OT and the one at Midfield with 2 minutes left so I dont blame that. What I blame is letting the Future sit on the Bench as our ACC Championship goes up in flames. PLAY ---- LEE HE IS OUR FUTURE! Has anyone on this board seen the improvement like Joe Ham showed over his career with Tevin? Tevin has shown very little improvement to me over the last 2 years but maybe this is just what I have seen. ---- FRUSTRATED!!!

Because this is a Georgia Tech board, the first response notes the title is hyperbole.

Big 12

Oklahoma lost to Gandalf and the JUCOs. Land Thieves banner check? Land Thieves banner check.

Header_whylandry_medium

whylandry.gif

Land Thieves helpfully provides suicidal pony headers for anyone trawling their message board for misery. Like this.

Suicidal Pony 6-4

In our last 10 games.

And this.

Suicidal Pony The most disappointing thing

is that I have grown to expect us to shit all over ourselves over the past few years. I wish that weren't true. It no longer surprises me when we play horribly and lose. It used to piss me off. Now, all I do is shake my head. We have to get better across the board. Ugh.


Thanks, Land Thieves! Sorry your QB can't throw straight either.

Also sorry about this:

Stoops Should We Consider Firing Bob at the End of the Season?

OSUSUCKSDICK: yes he is ****ing terrible

BoomerSooner2578: Absolutely yes as long as Petrino is still available.

TheGoddamnBatman: **** it... why not?

tm250: only if we can get John F@ckin Gruden

sooner.cw: Barry ****ing Switzer. If Bill Snyder can come back, why not Barry?
(Just a thought)

LVSOONER15: I say yes. This loyalty shit sucks.

BoomerSooner2578: Why would Petrino not be an option? I think he's learned his lesson.

sooner.cw: Petrino, Hell No. I don't care that he's ****ing some grad assistants but he is too damn flaky. He's basically a hornier Lane Kiffen.

Hornier than a man who dressed as a condom last year == out.

Kansas got caught up in MACaggeddon last weekend, losing to Northern Illinois. Deploy merspawling erf der werk:

Sparko: I am not sure I have ever seen a more gutless performance by a QB, ever.

mtglite: I invision Jay Cutler was like this, when he was in 6th grade.

Dayne Crist's insulting nickname [performance evaluation: "jesus at least throw it in bounds"] has wobbled from "Dayne Crust" to Limp Crist, Washington Generals Crist, and finally… "Limp Duck." Done. You're done. Limp Duck it is.

Big East

UConn lost to Western Michigan, and here's the key word: again. Fire everyone!

I'm ready for something new, something different, something NOT Paul Pasqualoni. I'm looking for UConn to find a coach that, at the very least, can figure out a way to beat Western F**king Michigan.

I don't know who they could get and, quite frankly, I don't care. It's not about the replacement at this point. It is about the guy with the job who was just embarrassed by a MAC team for the second year in a row, and is most likely leading UConn to yet another under-six-win season with no bowl appearance and no reason to believe a brighter future is on the horizon. That's a fireable offense, which just happens to be the only offense the Huskies have.

Seriously, fire everyone.

Big Ten

Oh, the Big Ten. The suckiest bunch of sucks who've ever sucked. Fire Jerry Kill, a blog named in honor of one of the league's two undefeated teams, presents power rankings that are variations on a theme:

Michigan_medium

Michigan's dismal loss to Notre Dame has mostly caused a lot of infighting between the Blame Borges and Blame Denard camps that doesn't seem that interesting outside of the Michigan fanbase. Also, given the state of the rest of the league Michigan fans came out of Saturday more optimistic about winning it than they went in. BIG TENNNN!

A few miles down the road, Michigan State eked out a win against Eastern Michigan. Mark Dantonio, how do you feel about trailing Eastern Michigan for three quarters?

Next question. The ultra post-win coach appearance: achieved.

The night only got worse for MSU linebacker Denicos Allen.

655621_medium

But they won so let's move on.

All you need to know about Illinois football:

Louisiana Tech 52, Illinois 24 POSTGAME

mdonsbach: Did we win? Was watching recruiting updates.

ncoillini: One would think that the ILLINI have never played football. Good night, I have to go cleanse myself. I feel very dirty after watching that garbage.

OrangeKrush: TIM BECKMAN YELLS A LOT SO THIS MAKES HIM A GOOD COACH

GeorgiaIllini: they beat us worse than they beat either Houston or Rice.

UIUC1867: Here's what I think of your lasagna . . .

Pac-12

Things were going swimmingly at Arizona for a few weeks. The Wildcats were ranked! They were moving the ball on Oregon! They… went 0-fer in six redzone trips. They fell behind. They started throwing pick-sixes willy-nilly. Rich Rodriguez turned into a sad muppet as the guy behind him had a panic attack. The internet acquired this.

Well done, internet. (HT: mgovideo.)

Elsewhere in the league, Washington State somehow contrived to lose to a Colorado team that featured above the fold last week. Even for Washington State fans used to misery—Coug Center features an article teaser with the sentence "why do we even root for the Cougars in the first place?" today—this was bad:

Worst coached game in my Martin Stadium history


I've been going to Cougar games since the late 70's, and this was far and away the worst coached game in my history of games in Martin Stadium. Slow tight end gets 15 yards behind us when we know they're going to throw. Running back gets the corner on the first play after the backup QB enters the game. Penalties, dropped passes, and an absolutely horridly coached defense.

I'm typing this from the Beasley RV lot, and let me tell you, people are in shock. That's saying something for WSU fans used to this type of crap. What a joke.

There is no way that's true. I mean, come on man.

Maybe the most embarrasing loss in my lifetime as a Coug fan


Wow.

This isn't true either but given WSU football it's closer:

The real issue with Cougar Football is the LOSER Culture, LOSER mentality and LOSER aura that surrounds this program and has since roughly 2005,

It's worse than just this program needs to learn how to win, this program is scared to win,

I imagine Leach has never seen anything like this before,

I don't mind losing a game if we're fighting, scratching and clawing and doing everything possible to win but it just doesn't happen,

This team however loses because it's scared to win, doesn't put forth full effort in the second half or decides to sit on it's hands because they're up by two touchdowns,

And what is it with the state of Washington and comparisons to obviously horrible previous coaches? It took all of four games for the hallowed Paul Wulff to get Willingham consideration:

Once a Coug, Always a Coug is true, but you know what?....Wulff was better and had his team improving with wins in the league...
This is the biggest sh!thole Cougs have ever been in.
Wake me up when this nightmare is over.

Washington State, man…

New season, same old fing excuses. I've been waiting a decade for something to root for. I did my part and the team has failed EVERY LAST FAN! They don't deserve fans like us! We deserve better than this dog s***!!!

…Washington State. Let's go back to that Coug Center piece:

So why even bother? Why associate yourself with something as frustrating and horrifying as Washington State football?

SEC

/sees Arkansas-Rutgers score

/puts on biohazard suit

/enters Hogville

Make an offer to Saban


Make him the highest paid coach in football pro or college and bring him in. Lets not fiddle around.

This gets both picardfacepalm.jpg and doublefacepalm.jpg in immediate response, with triple, quadruple, and quintuple facepalms making appearance in proper order. Also this:

"Hey Nick! Why not leave that broken down Alabama school where you seem to win NC's at will, are revered like Paul "Bear" Bryant, and can bang any volleyball girl you want to without repercussions? Boy, have we got your ultimate challenge!"

Something like that?

Well done all around.

Elsewhere, vomit.

OMG NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


We are going to be A&M's first SEC win. :puke:

Elsewhere, this.

REDHOGS (OP): THIS IS NEVER GONNA END!!! And so it continues...

tankfan: False hope is worse than death!

texas tush hog: "False hope is worse than death!" This!!!!!

I googled this. It is not a famous quote. The only other hit on the internet is for on a Fallout fanfic message board.

#pray4tannerstahl

Pray for me please


Headed to the swamp to watch UF vs UK...I'm decked out in my razorback attire like a true hog fan should be on gameday, pray that I'll be able to withstand the mocking, ridicule, and finger pointing I'm sure I'll have to endure this afternoon...

GO HOGS GO!!

#JimLeavitt4Arkansas

Is Jim Leavitt hirable?

And, finally our Armadillo Discussion Of The Week:

BallHog1: if I hire an armadillo to wash my car, no sense getting mad at the 'dillow when he doesn't do a real good job of it.

Justifiable Hogicide: True, but you sure get p'd at the idiot that blew up the car wash and hired the armadillo.

And… scene.

LINGO NOTE: Downvoting on Hogville is referred to as "smiting."

NEXT WEEK: Ty Willingham comparisons fly in the aftermath of Stanford-Washington! Iowa may throw itself bodily into the Pacific Ocean if they lose Floyd for the third straight year! Carnage rages as Alabama takes on Ole Miss and Oregon takes on Washington State! UCLA-Colorado! Arkansas-Texas A&M! THE BIG TEN! Which fanbase will descend into a discussion of armadillos next?

Check the national college football scoreboard right here, and look through SB Nation's many excellent college football blogs to find your team's community.

While we’re here, let’s watch some of the many fine college football videos from SB Nation’s YouTube channel:

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