New Year's Day college football TV schedule guide 2013: Breakfast at noon

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

Happy college football day. Your 2013 New Year's Day has been planned out for you in its entirety.

6:00 a.m.--8:00 a.m (all times ET). Those with children awaken, perhaps with a splitting headache and blistering hangover, but most definitely with children. For the hangover? You should probably have some bacon and eggs to soak up the evil. For the children? There is no cure for children. Deal with it and start the new year as you should: by stuffing them with cheap carbohydrates and turning on the television while you cry.

9:45 a.m. Those without children awake free, but still hungover and without the love of family. Is there someone in your bed? IT'S PROBABLY AN ASSASSIN. Call the police and have them removed, even if where you're at isn't technically your residence.

10:15 a.m. You shouldn't drink that champagne it's only---

10:19 a.m. Mimosas have Vitamin C, and champagne is like the most paleo of alcohols, man. [flexes] [pulls muscle in back]

11:15 a.m. After some staring at the ceiling, you remember that USC lost to Georgia Tech yesterday. Also, you should put on a shirt.

12:00 p.m. The Taxslayer.com Gator Bowl (ESPN2). Notable for two reasons. First, it is a delight to pronounce, because you get to say "Taxslayer" like it's a serious thing that people should respect and say without giggling.

Second, It is also a matchup between one irresistible force, and one very movable object: Mississippi State, the team with the longest bowl winning streak dating back to their 1999 Peach Bowl win over Clemson, and Northwestern, which has had the good taste to politely concede every bowl game they've played in since the 1948 Rose Bowl. Neither is likely to change here, but It's good to start the New Year with some enduring traditions.

12:00 p.m. The Heart of Dallas Bowl (ESPNU). Oklahoma State plays Purdue, also at noon, on ESPNU. ESPNU is way up the dial, and almost far enough away from ESPN2 to not hear the screams of whatever Oklahoma State is going to do to the Boilermakers. (Almost.)

1:00 p.m. The Capital One Bowl (ABC). Nebraska allowed 539 yards to Wisconsin in the Big Ten Championship Game, and now faces a team with two quality running backs, a top 20 defense, and a quality senior quarterback. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, though: Jarvis Jones with a headlamp on, running toward Taylor Martinez. Over/under on Jesse Palmer's use of "sick" as an adjective during the broadcast: three.

1:00 p.m. The Outback Bowl (ESPN). South Carolina plays Michigan, where you can just sit back and watch the Wolverines' Taylor Lewan versus the Gamecocks' Jadeveon Clowney. If Lewan can block Clowney, this will be an entertaining, back-and-forth game between two teams with complimentary weaknesses. If not, you'll find Michigan's quarterbacks all over the Tampa Bay area like pieces of a satellite freshly scorched and broken apart by re-entry.

5:00 p.m. The Rose Bowl (ESPN). Wisconsin faces Stanford in a matchup of polar opposites! One team likes to bruise opponents with a power run game, while the other likes to bruise opponents with a power run game. You may not consider these to be opposite. We'll have to agree to disagree, and also note that I have an English degree from a large, cheap state school.

8:30 p.m. The Orange Bowl (ESPN). NIU is freed from the MAC by a bounty hunter who promises to take him to the Orange Bowl as long as he finds the evil Jimbo Fisher with him. Then, Jimbo Fisher kills both of them, because the 2012 Orange Bowl is both a potential disaster of a game and a horrible idea for a Django ripoff.

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