1. The "University" of South Carolina defeated the University of Michigan in a contest that included the following moment:
2. However, the win meant every American was forced to ingest a Bloomin' Onion, and since South Carolina was to blame, the Michigan Man unsheated the latest volume of his memoirs and penned a winsome sonnet on the episode, which pleased the Michigan Ladies in the square.
3. Lacking the faculties of mind or spirit needed to contest upon the battlefield of academic debate against a Michigan Man or even a Michigan Baby, the red-neck's rage produced the following:
4. The Michigan Man allowed himself the rarest of indignities: a grin.
The secessionists had found themselves coiled in the Michigan Man's gambit. A merry ambuscade it is, fellows! The Michigan Ladies fanned themselves as the Michigan Man foisted upon the heated lowlands a ceaseless enfilade of mathematical calculations, riddling the simple savage with a doctrine of supremacy so complete, surely the lowly hill-type would scurry into its precious college baseball season (he spat the words as he thought them in his powerful brain) in silence. That'll be enough out of you, Game-Cocks! Ha ha!
6. A blog comment finally delivered the hill-billy's sputtered, greased reply:
"CAIN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF THIS GIF, YANKEE! BLANK HIS ASS OUT J.D.! TWO MORE YEARS! TWO MORE YEARS! ATTACHED IS SAID GIF SEVEN TIMES IN A ROW [/SEC CHANT]"
7. Jarred but unbroken, the Michigan Man returned to his pending work on the manners in which Urban Meyer is cheating.