2012 college football season recap: All 124 teams summed up in a sentence each

The nation's only unbeaten coach really, really likes his quarterback. - Gregory Shamus

A single sentence or so. College football is our nation's most sprawling sport. Nobody could possibly keep up with everything that happened in an entire year.

Therefore, let's try!

Air Force:

Akron: Terry Bowden came 31 minutes from his first SEC win since September 12, 1998.

Alabama: Hey, world.

Arizona: Michigan fans warned us this wouldn't work. Michigan fans also warned against night games and the proposed invention of the graphite pencil in 1565.

Arizona State: As of this writing, Todd Graham has yet to trace his bloodlines to the Cleveland Browns.

Arkansas: A smile without a song is merely half-insane.

Arkansas State: Bryan Harsin, 2014 Mizzou head coach!

Army: One play mattered.

Auburn: The greatest post-championship collapse in football history. No punchline.

Ball State: The Cardinals were good at football this year, but this item is the most memorable moment of their 2012.

Baylor:

Ucla_baylor_medium

EDSBS

Boise State: Entered overrated, somehow still finished underrated.

Boston College: All-time leading BC running back Montel Harris set conference single-game rushing record while playing for Temple.

Bowling Green: Tweeted while the Hokies were dawdling around with Rutgers:

Buffalo: The ones that didn't hire Doug Marrone.

BYU: Just fast forward whenever the Cougars offense has the ball.

California: why

Central Michigan: Beating Iowa wasn't this big of a deal, but still.

152579719_medium

Matthew Holst/Getty Images

Cincinnati:

Embrace Transition! Hire Tommy Tuberville.

Clemson: Tajh Boyd, future @NFLTWITTERDRAFTPUNDIT insta-reach bust of the century. (And Pro Bowler.)

Colorado: It's a long way from fifth down to first down. The metaphor extends off the field.

Huskies1_medium_medium

Colorado State:

A1udvydcyaa0xsu_medium

Connecticut: Not good enough for the ACC.

NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE ACC.

Duke:

Belltheft_medium

East Carolina: Remember when the Big East added ECU and its legit fanbase, but spoiled it by having the Tulane news leak first? Yeah.

Eastern Michigan: In EMU's defense, Illinois State was better than seven other Missouri Valley teams.

FAU: Highlight was that profile of bustling coach-turned-ambassador Howard Schnellenberger.

FIU: When your every football move makes people think about Isiah Thomas ...

Florida: "Still the dumbest Florida team we've ever seen. Talented as hell, and at root still the teen driver who hits the gas when reaching for the brake." -- Spencer Hall

Florida State:

Fatfan_medium_medium

Fresno State: Safety Phillip Thomas' stats: Eight interceptions, 84 tackles, 12 tackles for loss, four sacks, three touchdowns, five passes broken up, four forced fumbles, and a quarterback hurry.

Georgia: 7.09 yards per play, 13 feet short.

Georgia Tech: Nobody realized Grohmentum was that negative.

Hawai'i: Norm Chow's team ranked No. 123 in yards per play. Norm Chow's team.

Houston: Case Keenum was good!

Idaho: Hired Petrino!

(Paul.)

Illinois: Tim Beckman already halfway to the FIU job.

Indiana:

Iowa:

Qb_sack_medium_medium

Wide Right Natty Lite

Iowa State: TCU

Kansas: Four years on the clock.

Kansas State: K-State's roster depleted of Collin Klein and Arthur Brown. Will hopelessly win 10 games next year.

Kent State: A season so great, you forgot about this.

Kentucky: How Kentucky beat this list's preceding item is the year's greatest mystery.

Louisiana Tech: The most Baylor team ever, down to the backroom wrangling. Exhibits A, B and C.

Louisiana-Lafayette: The New Orleans undercard kings.

Louisville: The baddest motherfucker, whether he looks like it or not:

158890937_medium

LSU: Clearly, Jordan Jefferson was holding the offense back.

Marshall: Rakeem Cato, in a losing effort, led the nation in passing yards per game.

Maryland: The Big Ten's real Linebacker (At Quarterback) U.

Memphis: Beat a team (Rice) that won a bowl.

Where is your god now?

Your god is in Memphis.

Miami: Skipped trips to Charlotte and El Paso because of #yolo yacht riots. Worth it, probably.

Miami (OH): A MAC team that wasn't bowl-eligible??

Michigan:

Michigan State:

Middle Tennessee: Los Angeles' real Raiders. Transitively beat preseason No. 1 USC, you see.

Minnesota: Really gutted one out against UNLV.

Mississippi State: When SEC fans were disowning the Bulldogs' resume during the Gator Bowl, that was not a new thing, Big Ten fans.

Missouri:

3701022-z

N.C. State: Blah blah Tom O'Brien something something Florida State ... what really strikes home here is this:

Navy: One play mattered.

Nebraska: Taylor Martinez is the Tyrann Mathieu of forcing his own fumbles.

Nevada: Goodbye to the man who built the 2013 NFL playoffs (and so much more).

New Mexico: Kasey Carrier carried ball 74 times in one two-week span. Bob Davie now solely recruiting players surnamed Ballgamewinner.

New Mexico State:

North Carolina: [redacted]

North Texas: "Nothing wrong with me that a little Grey Goose won’t cure," said 58-year-old Mean Green coach Dan McCarney after suffering a stroke.

Northern Illinois:

Northwestern: Has not won a bowl game since 2013.

Notre Dame: Welcome back. Now stop making T-shirts.

Ohio: Beating Penn State turned out to be really something:

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Rob Carr/Getty Images

Ohio State: See header. (And you're welcome, Alabama!)

Oklahoma: Something like this is coming.

Oklahoma State: Mike Gundy went for an onside kick while up, 38-0, on Louisiana-Lafayette.

Ole Miss:

Oregon: Sonic Chip beats Pong Chip again:

Oregon State:

Penn State: Earned it:

Pittsburgh:

Purdue: Robert Marve will outlive football.

Rice: As mentioned, lost to Memphis.

Rutgers: Averaged 192 passing yards against all teams not named Arkansas. This would've ranked No. 99 in the country. Put up 397 on Arkansas.

San Diego State: I'm sorry like 60 percent of these are about the Big East, but if Boise State goes back to the Mountain West and San Diego State doesn't, for how many hours will you laugh?

San Jose State: MASCOT-ON-MASCOT MATCHUP POWER RANKINGS:

1. LSU-Clemson

2. Texas A&M-Utah State

3. San Jose State-Michigan State

SMU: June Jones remains our leading importer of Estonian Hawaii-conquerors.

South Alabama:

South Carolina: Clowney.

Southern Miss: Took year off to study abroad in Northern Miss. Also, quarterback's mother arrested in stands.

Stanford:

Syracuse:

TCU: Only one of Gary Patterson's top 27 tacklers was a senior? Return 93 percent of their tackles for loss? Put me down for 2013 Big 12 champs.

Temple: TRICK QUESTION: Is Temple joining the Big East next year?

Tennessee: It gets no easier.

Texas: Hubris.

Texas A&M: You really weren't ready, were you? Not talking to you, Aggies.

Texas State: First FBS game ever: beat reigning C-USA West champ so bad, it fired its offensive coordinator. Nothing else happened.

Texas Tech: Five verts and sideways tweets forever.

Toledo: Partially responsible for the densest burst of #MACTION in world history, other than the Barbary Pirates.

Troy: No. 11 in total offense. Almost positive you did not know that.

Tulane:

Tulsa: Iowa State created a bowl rematch two years in a row.

UAB: Should simply schedule home games against Ole Miss!

UCF:

UCLA: Los Angeles' best football coach. Still a dick.

ULM: We started asking, "How in the world did this team lose to Auburn?" months ago, and that might be the season's single most amazing fact.

UMass: Faculty has a point.

UNLV: Shamed by Minnesota.

USC: Well, that's one way to make people stop writing about your team.

USF: "Pulling the redshirt off a quarterback and then having him get hurt on the first series of the Miami game. Or, down 37-3 in the fourth quarter at Miami, Skip Holtz kicked a field goal to make it 37-6. Then, down 40-6 with 2:00 left, kicked another field goal to lose 40-9. So many to choose from." -- Mark Ennis

Utah:

Utah State: WAC champions unti the year 3761. Oh, the WAC is coming back, baby.

UTEP: Miners fans, listen closely.

When Holly tells you you're going 3-9,

your ass is going three and nine.

UTSA: The nation's strangest schedule.

Vanderbilt:

Vandyhug_medium

Virginia: I have nothing to say about Virginia.

Virginia Tech: Logan Thomas didn't ask to be overhyped. Headgear passion.

Wake Forest:

Washington: Ceiling reached.

Washington State: It burns for 11 weeks, with aftertaste like apples.

West Virginia: Too Big 12 for the Big 12.

Western Kentucky: Interim coach hire of the year.

Western Michigan: Yes, there's a Northern Michigan football team too.

Wisconsin: Asterisk.

Wyoming:

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