The Red River Shootout: A history of the game that has truly been a Red River Shootout

Saturday afternoon, Oklahoma and Texas will meet in the Red River Shootout. It promises to be a real Red River Shootout. Let's take a look back at the history of this centuries-old tradition.

Who's going to win the 2013 Red River Shootout? I don't know, but I firmly believe in my heart that it will be interesting to see who will win. While we wait for Saturday's kickoff, I thought it would be nice to look back on the proud history of what fans have come to call the "Red River Shootout."

1896

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Result: Georgia Tech 51, United States Postal Service 23.

MVP: Paper Coat, USPS ball-minister.

Pivotal moment: In the second half, Georgia Tech barrow-back John Board ran near the sideline, knelt to down the play, and briefly seceded from the Union, proclaiming the small area surrounding him a sovereign land. The nation was abolished in a matter of moments when someone said, "hey, don't!" The 75 or so rogue square feet were warmly welcomed back into the Union, and play resumed.

Memorable call from the booth: .- / ..-. --- --- - -... .- .-.. .-.. / --. .- -- . / .. ... / -... . .. -. --. / .--. .-.. (Translation: "A FOOTBALL GAME IS BEING PL")

1917

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Result: Tennessee Electric Authority 6, Dentists of Florida 0.

MVP: Mancie Dustblood, vice-quarterback.

Pivotal moment: Both teams were experimenting with special protective helmets made of chicken wire. Four minutes into the game, a massive dogpile caused all 47 players' helmets to get caught in one another. Rather than assist them, game officials handed them over to federal authorities, who termed them a collective "Super-Being" and shipped them overseas to fight the Kaiser.

Memorable call from the booth: "And with that opening drive, Electric Authority leads, six to none. Are you listening? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Damn it all, I will discontinue this radio broad-cast if you listeners don't answer 'yes, broad-caster' to my announcements. Hello? Are you there? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?"

1924

1896_medium

Result: Detroit Mercy 105, Windsor 105.

MVP: "GROG," in capital letters, although there is no player of record named "Grog" on either roster.

Pivotal moment: This game, featuring schools from Detroit and neighboring Windsor, Canada, remains the only international contest in the history of the Red River Shootout. The game was revealed to be a front for a rum-running scheme when Detroit Mercy defensive tackle Clancy Smith punctured the football with a letter opener and took enormous, gulping swigs out of it.

Memorable call from the booth: "Snap at the 35. Mitchell with the carry, takes it through the line. He's moving quite slowly, it's as though the pigskin is stuffed with gold doubloons, but it's not. IT'S NOT. Mitchell at the 40. You know, I bet if you got a lot of corn and mashed it up and let it rot, and maybe added some poison ivy, and then rolled down a hill in a barrel while thinking about microbiology, it would be kind of like drinking whiskey. Mitchell at the 45. I'm going to go do that right now. Those god-damned G-men can't prohibit hills, can they now? I'm going to disorient myself until I can't understand the Moon anymore. Mitchell at the 50. Bye, jerks."

1936

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Result: Kansas (n/a), Kansas State (n/a).

MVP: Unknown.

Pivotal moment: Unknown.

Memorable call from the booth: "Sorry, listeners at home, I can't see a damn thing because of all this dust. This should be called the Can't See Anything Bowl, on account of all the dust."

"There is still a lot of dust."

"There is a lot of dust still."

"A piece of something just got into my eye. It might be dust."

"Oh wait, just call it the Dirt Bowl!"

"I mean the Dirt Bowl!"

"I mean the Dust Bowl!"

1950

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Result: West Point 43, FBI 41.

Punctuality Medal (replaced MVP award for a season): Placekicker Joe "Placekicker Joe" Henderson.

Pivotal moment: Thanks to postwar government research, time travel was all the rage (to design the promotional poster, officials hired a 15-year-old named Brad from the year 1996). On the game's final play, cornerback Bernie Stevens traveled back to the year 1740 and planted a redwood tree on what, in the present day, was the 10-yard line. The tree blocked a would-be touchdown pass to seal a West Point victory. Stevens elected to remain in the 18th century after taking a strong interest in candle-making and butter-churning.

Memorable call from the booth: "Second and short from the Feds' 41. Henderson takes the snap, throws ... pass is blocked by a man from the year 2011 who has suddenly appeared from nowhere, incomplete. He ... it sounds like he's talking about bacon and something called 'planking.' He says it's 'teh win.' God, he won't shut up. This man is insufferable. Is everyone from 2011 like this?"

1964

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Result: Chicago-Topeka Corridor 77x10^442, Greater Appalachia Prefecture 70x10^66.

MVP: Running back John Titor.

Pivotal moment: Big Ten officials utilized technology stolen from the 87th century to construct a monstrous outer-space structure roughly five times as large as Earth's solar system. Within its enormous corridors and sanctums, approximately 100 trillion trillion Red River Shootouts were played.

In Red River Shootout No. 6,235,457,552, quarterback Alfie Krieg chanced upon the Grand Epiphany. Four minutes into the game, he downed the ball. "Every result has now been achieved," he said. "There are no outcomes left to be found within the game of football. I hereby tender my resignation from the team." This ambivalence cascaded uncontrollably throughout every other Red River Shootout until play stopped entirely.

Game officials, dismayed that they had exhausted the sport of football of all its drama and excitement, convened and decided to jettison the structure into the Kuiper belt, remake the Earth as it once was, populate the planet with a new generation of peoples, and convince them it was actually the year 1964.

Memorable call from the booth: "Holy cow, this one's a barn-burner!"

1979

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Result: Georgia 3, Louisville 0.

MVP: "SUPERBABYS!!!!" [sic]

Pivotal moment: Following the events of the Quantum Red River Shootout, in order to convince the people of Earth that they were indeed in the 20th century, cleanup crews spent nearly half a century meticulously purging the Earth of all evidence of time travel or future technologies.

Unfortunately, one artifact remained: a copy of the film Baby Geniuses 2: Superbabies, a 58th-century period piece in which talking babies undertook operations of subterfuge. Upon its discovery in 1976, the people of Earth grew completely enamored with the film, which came to dominate popular culture like nothing before or since.

The obsession with Superbabies was such that game officials had a tough time drawing fans to the game. Only 26 fans showed up to the Red River Shootout. At the end of the first quarter, both coaches agreed to run out the clock so that the teams could watch Superbabies together on the Jumbotron.

Eventually, humans from the Kuiper Belt came to realize their mistake, and had to re-populate the world all over again. That is how things have come to be in the present day, although the existence of Superbabies has proven impossible to eradicate entirely.

Memorable call from the booth: "I think that it is amazing that they got the babies to talk!"

2013

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Result: It hasn't happened yet at the time I am writing this, so I do not know.

MVP: I don't know.

Pivotal moment: I already said that I don't know.

Memorable call from the booth: I don't know.

More from SB Nation college football:

Your full Week 7 TV schedule guide

Up-to-the-minute college football scoreboard

Oklahoma likely to run wild

Oklahoma and Texas fans, podcasting together at last

Texas has given up the trenches

Oklahoma, Texas to wear gold-trimmed alternate jerseys

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