Teddy Bridgewater is terrible at sliding

Al Messerschmidt

Louisville's Heisman-candidate quarterback is great at almost everything about football. Almost everything.

Teddy Bridgewater is an amazing athlete capable of throwing a football into a poorly carved pumpkin from 30 yards with a defensive end chewing on his shoulder pads. He will likely be paid millions of dollars for his skills as a football player in the NFL. He is very good at athletic things.

Teddy Bridgewater also cannot slide like a normal human being.

Bridgewater might be the first Heisman candidate to ever take himself out of the race via auto-concussion, incurred when in an attempt to slide, he -- who is literally better than almost anyone in the world at quarterbacking things -- crashes to earth like a doomed redneck middle schooler thrown from an ATV.

Bridgewater, who can run brilliantly and read defenses and process complex information very quickly, isn't even sliding in the right geometric plane.This would be a good slide if the field were perpendicular to the field he was playing on, or if gravity were running in another direction. This is a good slide if he wanted to headbutt the field for insulting the honor of his family.

Every night Teddy Bridgewater says "Welp, time for some shuteye! TIME TO GET AN EARLY START ON TOMO-" [/leaves giant Teddy Bridgewater-shaped hole in the wall]

It would be easy to write this off as an isolated incident. This, however, was not an isolated incident.

In response to a threat from an onrushing defense, Bridgewater's answer is to lead with his motherflippin' head. Somewhere in Teddy Bridgewater's elegantly written mental code, probably next to the part about throwing beautifully on the run and hitting effortless post patterns if the middle of the field is open, there is a part where the programmer fell asleep on the keyboard. It reads something like "oh whatever just shut down the whole body if sliding dot exe slkaddaihdajebtahsdgucfjfjassjklfffjf."

Hey, we finally joined Facebook!

This is not a slide: it is someone hitting the remote kill switch on his circuits, dropping him to the turf like a fainting goat.

It is astonishing to watch a spectacular athlete go from a gazelle in flight one instant to Asimo the Clumsy Robot the next, but here are. It is like finding out Eric Ripert burns toast to a dusty char every time he tries or that Jimmie Johnson cannot make a right turn. It's endearing, really: not only is Bridgewater likable, but he's genuinely and thoroughly bad at something, just like you are.

Chuck Cook, USA Today

P.S. Please learn to slide before you knock yourself out on the ground. Sincerely, someone who likes watching you play football.

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