Note: rankings based on last week's standings since we were writing these prior to release. Updated standings are here for clarification.
1. Alabama. Failed to cover the point spread against Georgia State in a 45-3 victory over the winless Panthers. FIRE NICK SABAN.
3. Clemson. A lighthearted 49-14 romp over Syracuse featuring Dabo Swinney, his gang of lovable misfits, and Scott Shafer playing the angry summer camp counselor determined to put an end to their hijinks. (Warning: contains a shocking amount of profanity for a family movie.)
4. Ohio State. Covered the spread with a late TD in a 40-30 win over Northwestern, says your friend who knows nothing about football but the spread, and whether it was covered. Gambling is a lot like fantasy football, except for the part where you lose your house, family and everything you ever loved to a late fumble recovered in the endzone.
5. Stanford. Survived a late charge by Washington in a 31-28 win, because David Shaw is a thrifty man. He will take his foot off the gas pedal whenever possible, no matter how close the car behind him gets to his bumper.
6. Georgia. Avoided certain death in East Tennessee in a 31-28 overtime victorythanks to Pig Howard fumbling the ball through the endzone, which football rules state must result in a touchback and instant turnover because [ABSOLUTELY NO REASON THIS RULE IS SO DUMB PLEASE KILL IT WITH HAMMERS].
7. Louisville. Beat Temple 30-7 without any unnecessary struggle. Teddy Bridgewater will now play a few games throwing with his left hand just to make things interesting.
8. Florida State. 63-0 over the ranked and allegedly resurgent Maryland Terrapins, because some rankings are a lie. Jameis Winston is karmic payment for the Seminoles having to endure years of Chris Rix, college quarterback.
9. Texas A&M. A bye week spent laughing at Texas barely beating Iowa State.
10. LSU. The good news: LSU can count on getting out of close games as long as they're able to guarantee the ability to drop 28 points in a quarter at will. The bad news: That's an insane guarantee, and until the fourth quarter LSU was struggling with an undermanned and outgunned Miss State team. The good news: um, Les Miles things?
11. Oklahoma. 20-17 over TCU is notable for two reasons. The first: Oklahoma is a very good defensive football team again. The second, and related to the first: TCU's offense has a wasting disease, and not just against the Sooners.
12. UCLA. A 34-27 victory over Utah made both sweeter by the rarity of seeing an opposing quarterback throw six interceptions and disquieting because that team was dangerously close to tying the game at the bell.
13. South Carolina. Whatever happens in a lackluster and dispiriting 35-28 win over Kentucky stays in a lackluster and dispiriting 35-28 win over Kentucky.
14. Miami. 45-30 over Georgia Tech despite playing a hobbled Stephen Morris at quarterback, because Georgia Tech head coach Paul Johnson's game management skills have veered to the suicidally nonchalant.
15. Washington. Washington finally has both a defense and an offense for the first time in the Sarkisian era, and that's great until you face someone with special teams like Stanford's. Lost 31-28 despite a phenomenal effort by Keith Price, a very good quarterback now demonstrably capable of taking inhuman degrees of punishment without injury.
16. Northwestern. Lost 40-30 to Ohio State, but didn't cost Brent Musburger a dime because he
bet on Ohio State like a gambler would, because the heart is poison to the logical mind cannot bet on games. He is an objective broadcaster.
17. Baylor. Did not punt, tallied 864 yards on the ground, scored 73 points, and don't look at them my god what are you doing looking them in the eye they consider that a challenge and no, no, don't shoot Baylor, that will only make them mad and [shoves you to the ground so Baylor eats you first, giving us some time to run--]
18. Florida. Stymied Arkansas 30-10 in a game that was functionally over the instant Loucheiz Purifoy returned a pass for a TD in the second quarter, giving the stingy-ass Florida defense an insurmountable 10-7 lead.
19. Michigan. Looked awful at times against Minnesota, still won. Reheat previous three weeks and continue to serve throughout Big Ten season.
20. Texas Tech. Was down 10-0 at one point to Kansas, but when the roof falls in on the Jayhawks it brings the moon and stars with it until you get a 54-16 Red Raiders win.
21. Oklahoma State. A gritty 33-29 victory over Kansas State will get you a nice handwritten letter from Bill Snyder commending you on your performance, y'all.
22. Arizona State. You can't play the role of Tommy Rees if Taylor Kelly beats you to it, Tommy Rees. Kelly threw two INTs in a 37-34 shootout victory for Notre Dame, and that was more than enough in a very even matchup of two teams that already have/ will soon hammer USC to a fine powder.
23. Fresno State. Beat Idaho 61-14, and helped write another chapter in the "Paul Petrino, Public Irritant" saga.
24. Ole Miss. Lost 30-22 to a rapidly improving Auburn team. After two losses in the state, you may be beginning to suspect that Dr. Bo Wallace is not licensed to practice medicine in the state of Alabama.
25. Maryland. Bye week spent playing the part of traffic cones in a Florida State scrimmage. (Lost 63-0 to Florida State in a real game that Maryland allegedly participated in and everything.)