This Week in Schadenfreude: Find me a Michigan fan who isn't 'super drunk'

Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports

This Week In Schadenfreude trawls the internet every week for the most unhinged college football comments available. This week: fans of any NFL team that can't run at all declare Al Borges must be involved! Brian Kelly with his nipples hooked to a car battery! We should have appreciated Ron Turner more! OU scours the Taliban for coaching candidates! REAL. MAN. FOOBAW.

Well, screw it. Usually I try to spread the misery around because fanbases get inured to the pain and turn off the towering bile that comes with disappointed expectations, but I've just watched Michigan rush for negative yards in consecutive games. I mean, this article just hit the internet…

DEARBORN: ‘Super drunk’ driver upset about Wolverines’ woes

DEARBORN — A Wolverine Lake man upset over the gridiron woes of his beloved Wolverines earned a trip to jail Nov. 3.

The man appeared confused and disoriented. His speech was slurred, his eyes were watery and bloodshot and he smelled of alcohol. He said he was "drunk," he had "a lot" of alcohol and urinated on himself. …

While he was being booked, he said he drank so much because he was upset that the University of Michigan’s football team lost 29-6 at Michigan State University the day before. He said he also was upset with the play-calling of Offensive Coordinator Al Borges, whose Wolverines rushed for a negative-48 yards, the worst ground performance since the school started playing football in 1879.

…and the twist ending is that this guy did this after the MSU game, not Nebraska. It took me two reads and a copy and paste to figure that out. I finally did so because I realized the negative rushing number was the wrong negative rushing number. Hooray.

Uh… wait. Someone needs to find this guy right now. Bring a stomach pump and a fifth of whiskey.

We've already pounded the MGoBlog commentariat week after week. Let's check in with Twitter, now bringing up Borges whenever an NFL team does something magnificently terrible.

Soon we will collect them all: fans of 32 NFL teams bitching about their offense by saying it looks like Al Borges is running it. Fans of Michigan, meanwhile...

RTs are not endorsements.

Obligatory yours truly as Scott Tenorman:

Nebraska muffs a punt and Michigan gets it on the Cornhusker 26. They have not picked up one goddamn yard on the ground in weeks. First down: run from under center that Nebraska puts eight in the box in and blitzes. Second down: the same goddamn thing. Too much. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHY DO YOU THINK THAT HAS ANY CHANCE OF WORKING," I yelled at someone who could not hear me. "HAVE YOU WATCHED THIS TEAM PLAY YET?"

I hope he has, because if I have to watch this crap he should too. The evidence suggests otherwise.

And the MGoBoard is indeed fruitful. Here is a thread titled "Probability of Negative Rushing Yardage for Final 5 Non Bowl Games of Year," and here is a graph of the overall frequency of the words "f---" and fire":

Sootnebraskaff_zpsa60c3093_medium

And this is how dire it truly is.

The fact we aren't whining about officiating is a testament to how dire our situation is.  For once, we as a blog and as fanbase, can't find it in ourselves to push off even the tiniest bit of blame on any one or thing other than our team's own crushingly apparent internal issues.  That's how you know shit ain't good right now on the corner of Stadium and Main.

Michigan, you have once again received the Tears of Unfathomable Sadness. At this rate we're going to have to rename it Al Borges Chili and retire it.

The rest of the week in spleen:

ACC

As predicted in this space in a highly scientific and thought-out way, Notre Dame did indeed lose to Pitt. Beware this column's weird ability to predict Pitt football games, oh ye of little red zone offense. ND Nation ho!

Has anyone suggested this year that Kelly should be fired?

No but I would like to kidnap him.
by NW Ohio Irish

Then stick him in my basement and hook his nipples up to a car battery and when he says execute, chunk plays, and roll out Rees shock him until he's right in the head.

The Nation, more than anything else in the world, wants its head coach to coach a manly manball style, which makes it he complete inversion of any Michigan message board screaming about yet another under-center run that goes backwards.

[Kally's] stupid stubbornness has killed what could have been a very good season. RUN THE F---ING BALL. PLAY TO OUR STRENGTHS. ADMIT THAT TOMMY ISN'T PAYTON MANNING. CONTROL THE CLOCK. KEEP THE DEFENSE OFF OF THE FIELD. An elite coach would realize these things. I guess Kelly isn't or doesn't want to be successful...he just wants to prove to the world that his offense is the best. Sad.

In response:

Now, I'm completely on board with your point of view, but there's also a possibility that running isn't a strength. If you've seen the breakdowns of the offensive line, early in the year at least, we weren't very good at run blocking.

The above caveat stated, RUN THE F---ING BALL YOU IDIOT!!!!!

This season's mincing foppery has brought out the Big Bad Comparison, much like whenever things aren't going well for Washington Ty Willingham's corpse is exhumed so message board posters can point to it and scream DON'T YOU SEE THEY'RE THE SAME PERSON while Willingham's corpse holds one finger in the air and mutters about how it would just like to go golfing.

Brian Weis

by SorinBasement (2013-11-11 10:18:10)

DUN DUN DUN! /sound of a thousand windows breaking

The content of this post is tl;dr stuff in the Kennedy = Lincoln vein. But here's this.

Tommy Rees = late career Spinal Tap
by eddysorin (2013-11-10 12:08:07)

"The musical growth of this band cannot even be charted. They are treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry"

Tommy Rees 2011: 65.5% completion %
Tommy Rees 2013: 54.6% completion % (-10.9%)
Tommy Rees 2011: 14 INTs in 411 attempts (1 every 29)
Tommy Rees 2013: 10 INTs in 304 attempts (1 every 30)

Where is the growth and maturity? Where is the improvement after 4 years of mentoring by QB Whisperer Brian Kelly?

Yes, it is rather alarming that if you peppered any of these posts with swearing they could have been lifted from MGoBlog. Except this one.

The post-Berwanger University of Chicago
by BeijingIrish (2013-11-10 12:05:13)

has thrived. The Maroons, the scourge of the Western Conference, are gone, but the institution is one of the great universities in the world. They found a use for their stadium just as we will find a use for ours. I don't know what will emerge from north portal--a car that runs on water?--but it will make us proud. In the meantime, Cartier is big enough for the crowds that flock to the campus for the games with Lehigh, Dartmouth, and the like.
We'll be fine.

And this one.

I look around at the demographics of the average ND fan
by RandalGraves

And from my non-scientific poll, the average ND football fan is male aged 40-70 that have personally experienced at least one (if not multiple) eras of glory of the program with a national championship. The next biggest group (but significantly smaller - which I am a member of) are male aged 30-40, who have childhood memories of the last glory era of the program and but have even more lucid memories of three ring circuses like those on display last night. There are very few under 30 and I suspect it is due to the vivid childhood nightmares of their fathers and grandfathers shattering household lamps off living room walls in a violent drunken stupor every fall Saturday.

Soon the biggest population of ND fans are going to die off, and there will be no one to refill the ranks from below. It will all be over then. No national fanbase, no national television deal, and forced into a conference stuck in conference membership purgatory. The only signs of the once dominant empire will be the tales of folk lore passed down from the elders and the relics on display in the football museum now open on campus.

I've been waiting for this my whole life and no luck so far, and now I'm staring down a 20-year period in which Michigan beats Ohio State like four times, so…

…that is the official song of next year's Michigan-Notre Dame series breakup sex. And how's that for a mental image. Ugh. Let's move on to something less depressing.

BIG TEN

Illinois football is less depressing! They haven't won a football game in the Big Ten since 2011, and Jesus does that say something in the modern-day Big Ten. This week's loss to Indiana sends them to 0-5 in the league, and makes Illini fans harken back to those halcyon days of yore:

Zooker


Don't ever question Zook's recruiting prowess ! The lack of fan support certainly is awful. Recruits are defined coming out of school, not entering. Zook won with many 2 and 3 stars which is a testament to coaching. I do agree there was some questionable decision making.But hey,was voted Nat'l coach of the year, rose bowl, back to back bowl wins. He's Vince Lombardi compared to what you have now !

Rick Rundle

I checked the date on this. It is not from 1997. It is from Sunday. This is the best response.

He's working at a bank

This is the most Illinois response.

Zook was fired for finishing 6-6 in his last. We all would love to finish 6-6 in any season over the next 3-4 years. I wouldn't bet on it.

Or this one.

So the theme of this thread is that we should have appreciated Ron Turner more.

And I hope this guy isn't speaking in pidgin English because he thinks that's how Native Americans talk, but it is the internet.

NO CHIEF NO CHECK and NO BIG TEN WINS NO MORE SEASON TICKET BUY


Season ticket holder for Illini football for 25 years.  This is enough.  Total incompetence by this coaching staff.  There is no current hope for better things to come.  I will talk with my wallet. I'M DONE !!!

WAIT

THIS IS THE MOST ILLINOIS

Know a guy who had season tickets for 30+ years. Never went to a game. Found out a few years ago his seats were on the East side. Cancelled his tickets. Former player.

The smartest man in the state of Illinois. This man for governor.

BIG TWELVE

Oklahoma's massive message board Land Thieves is always a place to stop after the Sooners get their heads kicked in, often for the banner alone. Survey says…

Image_medium

Kenpom projects those gentlemen playing the bouncy sport as an NIT team, so… yeah. In the aftermath, Oklahoma looks to the future.

Will We Win Another Championship Before Armageddon?

Trying to plan my future.

PokeJ: To be clear, Armageddon would be Baylor winning the Big 12 right ?

OU812: We're 1 good HC away from winning a title. Unfortunately, stoops will probably still be coaching at OU when Armageddon comes, so HELL NO.

soonerghost: Are there any good coaches in the Taliban? [ed: no idea]

Also they have a guy named "SoonerDick," whom I mention only because of this:

That is all.

PAC-12

Oregon was thumped by Stanford before making it look good at the end thanks to an avalanche of special teams outliers; everyone knows that game was over by about Oregon's second empty trip to the redzone. This is the second straight year Stanford has stomped on Oregon's national title hopes, and it isn't any more fun this time.

I'm going to have to switch to my alt personality

so that I can resume my normal life. My other one is now dead.

by redwraith on Nov 7, 2013 | 9:28 PM

One guy suggests Oregon's championship hopes are over permanently, and this gentleman engages ALL CAPS:

MD IS A LILLY-LIVERED HUSKY LOVER

SERIOUSLY DUDE, I’VE BEEN A DUCK FAN SINCE BEFORE I WAS F---ING BORN. MY PEOPLE ROLLED DEEP INAUTZEN DURING THE 70’S AND 80’S WHEN THERE WASN’T SHIT TO CHEER FOR AND WE WOULD CELEBRATE A WIN,ANY WIN. THAT WAS BACK WHEN DUCK FANS HAD SOME HEART AND ACTUALLY CARED ABOUT THE TEAM, NOTMYTHICAL HYPOTHETICAL CRYSTAL FOOTBALLS.

IF ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS CHAMPIONSHIPS AND HEISMANS, GO ROOT FOR USC.

IT AIN’T OVER TIL MUSGRAVE SAYS IT’S OVER.

SUPPORT THE TEAM OR GTFO.

BAN ME FOR BEING A REAL FAN, I F---ING DARE YOU.

by BradBerkley on Nov 8, 2013 | 12:03 AM up reply

JUST BAN HIM ALREADY

LILLY-LIVERED HUSKY LOVERS SHOULD NOT RUN OREGON FAN BLOGS

BAN ME

by BradBerkley on Nov 8, 2013 | 12:05 AM up reply

Scott Tenorman Of The Week, he is.

And this guy is my favorite SB Nation account of all time.

I JUST CAME BY TO SAY Y'ALL NEED TO HIT THE TRAINING TABLE AND WANT IT A LITTLE BIT MORE IF YOU WANNA COMPETE WITH REAL MEN IN THE REAL MAN FOOBAW.

ROLL TIDE WAR DAMN TOMAHAWK CHOP IF YOU WANNA GET TO THE ENN. EFF. ELL. YOU GUYS COULDN’T BEAT A TEAM THATPRODUCED JONATHAN MARTIN, WHO OBVIOUSLY AIN’T MAN ENOUGH TO DO WHAT IT TAKES NEITHER, SO GOOD LUCK IN WHATEVERPANSY ASS BOWL THAT YOU MAKE IT TO I GUESS YOU’LL NEED IT.

"If God had wanted man to play soccer, he wouldn't have given us arms." - Hurricane Ditka

by REAL MAN FOOBAW on Nov 7, 2013 | 10:19 PM reply

KingWes: My IQ dropped 48% reading this gibberish

REAL MAN FOOBAW: THAT SEEMS LIKE A LOT. IS THAT A LOT?

Oregon blog: parody. ND Nation: seems legit.

SEC

LSU knew they were losing to Alabama and did lose to Alabama and badly; this creates yet another explosion as LSU fans fight with each other about whether Les Miles should be fired, which makes for 45 instances since the 2006 national title.

Tired of all the Negatigers (Posted on 11/11/13 at 12:33 pm)


People need to stop all the complaining about LSU's football program and head coach. Some of y'all act like the world is coming to an end just cause we lose a football game. LSU is a top program and the only program that is above them at this point is Alabama. People just need to realize that Alabama is on a historic run in college football's all time history. …

Happy Veterans Day to all who served!!!

GeauxxxTigers23: I'm a veteran and a negatiger. Now what??

BRAVEHEART: I'm tired of all the posi-puker-pumper-punks complaining about the complainers. That's worse, much much worse.

This man does not Demand Excellence, instead he Settles For Mediocrity.

Do you settle for mediocrity in your life. That's fine. It takes all kinds. Some people choose to strive for excellence. I understand that perfection is impossible, but the results that we're getting (many of which have been repeated on numerous occasions) are unacceptable. If you want to be an Ole Miss or Vandy, etc. that is just happy with competing on occasion, go be a fan of those programs. Good day, sir.

Also:

Well, when you pay a clown $86,500 a week at 52 weeks a year, I believe the fans deserve better! And raising ticket prices to pay this idiot more money??????

And so it ever was in the LSU fanbase.

NEXT WEEK: Miami fans call each other and everyone else homosexuals after Duke beats them to go 8-2! The mother of all conflicted emotions as undefeated-in-the Big 12 Texas takes on Okie State! Michigan rushes for –32 yards against 0-5 Northwestern! That joke isn't funny anymore! Oregon takes it out on Utah, probably!

More from SB Nation college football:

Week 12 schedule full of big conference games

Spencer Hall’s Alphabetical: On Ed Orgeron, Alabama and more

Why Stanford’s loss to Utah wasn’t THAT bad

Fresno State, the disappointing BCS-buster

Long reads: Has Baylor crafted the ultimate football offense?

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