This Week In Schadenfreude: Roll Tide! Into despair!

John David Mercer-USA TODAY Spor

This Week In Schadenfreude collects the weekend's craziest college football internet and gives it to you in a steaming pile. This week: Roll Tide! Things I don't understand because I am not from the South! I hope you don't understand them either! Cactus! If you want to replace swearing with umlauts, you're at Georgia Tech! You can do that! Bo Pelini covering refs in mucus! Ole Miss fans too big for their britches! Roll Tide! Roll Tide! Roll Tide!

You may have heard the collective scream from the internet at around 7 PM Saturday; if you did not, you certainly felt the disturbance in the college football force. I myself was at a bowling alley, watching it without sound, dead certain that Chris Davis had stepped out around the 50 and saying the words "no way" at ever-increasing volume levels as the enormity of what just happened became clear.

I thought it was fun. Alabama fans did not. Deadspin has already collected the various death threats issued to the kicker who missed three field goals, thus prompting Saban to put in the backup on the 57-yarder. "I hope you get rapped," says one scholar, proving that for every adult on Twitter, there are 20 14-year-olds with poor impulse control.

An event of this nature requires a game thread delve. We pick it up at the beginning of the second half with Alabama leading 21-14.

Roll Tide!

Roll Tide!

Roll tide!

okay seriously are any of these comments not "roll tide"

Roll damn tide!

that doesn't count

Roll Tide

Yo, fuck the trees

Finally. Also, what is about to happen is entirely Harvey Updyke's fault.

Dear baby jebus and woodland creatures......

please stop this bamboozle cunt play with my emotions and CRUCH THE FUCK out of the barnadoes!

I am from the north. This may make sense to someone else.

DO YOUR JOB

I said TACKLE!!!!!

Fuck you Gus, you pussy.

This latest from a gentleman who just said "anyone who would lump me or anyone else in with" Updyke is "too simple minded for me to worry about" about 40 comments earlier.

WHY IS CYRUS JONES STILL IN THE GAME?

Auburn scores to tie it at 21 early in the third quarter. Game settles into a pile of not much for the next 15 minutes.

Cyrus Jones should have his scholarship yanked

This is fucking awful.

Coming right up, no doubt.

We look like spam copulating with shit.

We are such asscheeks right now

What the literal fuck is happening tonight?????????

Auburn punts and downs the ball on the one.

hey all we have to do is drive 99 yards...

got 99 problems

…and they’re all yards

'Bama completes a third down pass to get a first down…

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

…drives in an odd fashion…

AJ!!!

Way to run the ball!!

…and:

How the fuck

do you fuck up a field goal

Fourth quarter dawns.

Pardon me while I go shoot the rifle for a few rounds.........

We’re getting jobbed by the refs. But it doesn’t matter. We should be whipping their monkey asses with a switch. Play up to our standards and there’s no refball that can stop us.

I'm so angry

later tonight I’m gonna do things to my barner wife that are illegal in 37 States and punishable under the UCMJ.

Don't worry, he just means buy her liquor on Sunday. Auburn punts, ball on one again.

Most lucky-ass bounce ever!

Downed on the 1-ft. line.

This keeps happening...

I don’t even know anymore…

So who is our backup kicker?

We might need him

Alabama covers all 99 yards on one play.

TD COOP!!!!!!!!!!

OMGOMGOMG!

AMARIUIIIIAdf,hhfdn

GET SUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MFMFMFMFMFMFMFMFMFMFMFMF

SUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dude degeneration x was like 15 years ago

! ? ! ? !!!!!!! *drink*

I just totally pissed off my barner husband jumping around the living room. Hope he at least got a look at some bouncing boobs.

my cat jumped off the wall

that's a gecko man

CLEAR EYES

FULL HEARTS

Hmm.

Auburn stopped on fourth down on their own 35, bringing out the Jesse Pinkman fans.

SUCK IT BITCH

SUCK IT BITCHES!!!!

Again, I am from the north. The following is probably some sort of gay joke, but it could be about his preferred biscuit flour.

Bite the white tadpole, Coach Malzahn !!!

Alabama misses a field goal on the ensuing short drive.

whyyyy

FUCK YOU SO MUCH CADE FOSTER, SO FUCKING MUCH

COME ON DEFENSE REDEEM URSELVES

LET'S PUT THIS BITCH AWAY

AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF LEE COUNTY

The implied "…and back to CIVILIZATION" cracks me up every time. It's all got Chick-fil-A, man.

Incredibly, Alabama misses another field goal.

DAMMMIT cade if we lose

Im gonna find you

Punt Bama Punt all over again.

YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH!

Some guy starts telling some story about something, because this appears to be what he does in moments of stress to provide good luck.

When I was a Lieutenant, I left my GPS (PLGR) on the roof of a car of some skank I was dating

I was deploying the next day

she had to drive all the way from Savannah FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Auburn scores to tie it on a sweet Nick Marshall run that turns into a pass right at the LOS, and if this lady is driving from Savannah to save your ass she probably does not meet the technical definition of a skank, and I feel you probably have issues relating to women.

CACTUS!!!!!

I mean… do I even speak the same language as these people

Cactus_medium

actually that makes total sense now

WE'RE BEING FLAGGED OUT OF A 3RD NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP!

Yes, it’s really happening! I may vomit & chunder!

25 seconds.. any chance?

This is abominable

Just like 2010, all about the revenue stream that come with Overtime !

if they put one second on, 54 yard fg or hail mary

Cade has the leg for this...

I think you have to give him the chance if there is time

Memories of Alec ogletree notwithstanding... [ed: this]

i didn't need that memory

Griffith gonna attempt

make a name for yourself boy

And now… the most regretted comment in the history of the sports internet.

HISTORY. . .

. . .about to be made!

It happens.

I quit

LOST

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!! NICK WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NICK

words escape me....

good night, I’m locking the door and my wife can sleep on the porch….

Oh my fucking God

Welp, that's enough football for the year

I need to start drinking water to get rid of all this alcohol.

Hey Harvey...

Go for the drinking water this time.

FUCK YOU CADE FOSTER.

FUCK YOU OFFENSIVE LINE.

AND ESPECIALLY FUCK YOU CYRUS JONES FOR NOT COVERING YOUR ASSIGNMENT.

This may be remembered as our Gettysburg.

DID YOU JUST VOLUNTARILY REPRESENT YOURSELF AS THE CONFEDERATE ARMY? YOU DID. YOU JUST DID THAT. NOTHING CAN TOP THI—

I'll suck off Hitler before I watch that "football game" again

That is all for the game thread. But there's a postgame thread!

Young and old: this game will haunt us until our deaths. Bright side? At the rate I’m drinking I’ll be dead in … 15 minute. Bye.

At least you can drink.

I’ve been sober 24 years.

There seem to be a lot more posts like this in Alabama threads than those of other teams, which mostly contain responses to calls for drinking with things like "WAU AHED OF U."

And:

I've had John Legend's "Ordinary People" on repeat for the past 30 minutes

Bitch mode is in full effect. Haven’t started crying yet though, that’s a plus

[alarm clock rings: RING!, RING!, RING!]

Oh, shit. Honey, I dreamt … I dreamt … a 4th and 1 … a missed … no … several missed kicks … what time is it?

Darling. My beautiful darling. It’s the morning of Saturday, November 30th, 2013. You had a bad dream. Big football game today! After Bama crushes the barn we can watch Mizzou-ATM and Cocky-Clempsen. I’ll miss the early games, unfortunately: yet another SI swimsuit shoot for me. Do you love me for my mind?

Yes, dear. Roll Tide!

Roll tide. Roll Tears of Unfathomable Sadness. One day you'll look back on this as your Gettysburg, God willing.

The rest the week in spleen:

ACC

Georgia Tech managed to blow a huge lead against hated rival Georgia and lose in double overtime, so it's off to Stingtalk, which was crushed with traffic in the aftermath and crashed. Stingtalk replaces swearin' with umlauts, and late there were an awful lot of umlauts.

Gotta win the öööö coin flip. I swear I've never seen us win the öööö coin flip.

Like a long slow knife.

Not feeling good about this now.

I can't take this. I cashed in all my butthurt futures.

This is not good

öööö öööö öööö öööö

Unööööing real....

öööö it all

Boom.

Wow, one fresh comment in over two hours. Are y'all just dumbfounded, or ....................

Beestorm was seen naked in Conyers. Servers are at loose ends. Run amok.

Such is the way of things.

Big Twelve

Noting particularly unexpected happened over the weekend, so it is our custom to default to Kansas fans moaning about their team, because you can always find some Kansas fans moaning about their team. Or writing open letters to Turner Gill to come back.

Seriously.

Dear Coach Gill--
On behalf of ALL of Jayhawk Nation, let me apologize for the classless way you were treated here and ran off before you could finish turning this program around.

Coach Gill, please DON'T take the Nebraska job. Come back to KU and finish what you started. We desperately need what you brought to this program--integrity, character, Christian values and DISCIPLINE.

Coach Gill, you were a Leader of Men and this team only needs leadership and direction. More prayer and less offensive schemes.

Caoch Gill, you've been a winner all your life. Lead us back to the Promised Land.

Sincerely,
Jayhawk Nation

Not sure if serious. I mean… must be a troll, but… actually, doesn't have to be. Never say Charlie Weis hasn't accomplished anything. He made Turner Gill look good.

Big Ten

It's unusual for a coach to feature in this unless it's Bo Pelini, and Nebraska lost 38-17 to Iowa so here's Bo Pelini getting a personal foul, whether it's for flinging his hat in the general direction of the referee or covering him in a glistening film of mucus reminiscent of Aliens:

Ku-xlarge_medium

That guy did not even make the call he's so hopping mad about, a pass interference that may have been uncatchable. He referred to this call in the postgame like so:

Somehow this ragebaby still has a job. Amazingly, a lot of Nebraska fans are on board with their coach being the equivalent of the 'Bama fans tweeting death threats at their kicker.

For whatever reason...

officiating crews display a noticeable bias against Nebraska. This was statistically shown in the Big12 and has been commented upon by my non-Husker fan friends during the Big12 and B1G eras. Perhaps officials do not like the coach who yells obscenities at them so they use their position to influence the outcomes of games- how professional. Whatever the reason for the bias I have actually come to enjoy Bo getting in the face of the ref and saying EXACTLY WHAT EVERY FAN WANTS TO.

That is of course "WHAAARRRGLLEEE BLARRRRRRGGGLE AAAARRGGGHHH."

Elsewhere in Husker fandom, unrealistic comparisons!

We can’t lose to Iowa at home like this. We just can’t. They are literally Colorado with an uglier fan base.

Kenny Bell being ridiculous and awesome!

People on Facebook responding to the above quote with completely bizarre assessments of Iowa!

Best reply to this, on Facebook

"YOU JUST DID, BRO"

Accurate assessments of the league (Indiana not included)!

Is it just me, or...

Is B1G football really f’ing boring to watch. I mean I’m sure part of my sour mood is the loss today, but good lord these last few weeks, whether in the student section or watching on TV, have been borderline unbearable.

The best username in history not calling for Jim Tressel!

ditto. still pro-Bo.

but if bo gets fired, eichorst had BETTER have a sure-fire proven coach whose name does not rhyme with "Tim Vressel" awaiting in the wings. the idea of wandering the wilderness for another 5 years does not tug at my bobber.

by For the love of god KILL HITLER on Nov 29, 2013 | 3:13 PM

This guy!

I haven't seen a beating like that...

…since somebody stuck a banana in my pants and turned a monkey loose.

Now I have no choice but to drink myself incontinent.

Pac-12

USC lost to UCLA again but doesn't really care since they've got a shiny new coach, whom they already hate because he's not John Gruden. I am not even sure about who half of these people are:

I was thinking back to when Fade [ed: Kiffin] was hired and as much as I and some here hated that hire I don't think the overall fanbase was as pissed about getting Fade as they now are about this hire of Suckisian [ed: obv]. I have been hearing about polls showing 80% or more of SC fans hate this hire. I don't think Fade even scored such negatives when he was hired. Really goes to show how badly Benedict [ed: Haden] screwed this up…. Benedict is the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse rolled into one...a one man destroyer of SC football. Has any AD anywhere ever made 2 worse hires than Fade and Suck? Doubtful.

I would like to introduce you to the post-Holtz ND football program, sir.

Wait, what?

Just when I'm convincing myself Sark...

12/3/2013 9:46:20 AM

...is going to do good things here, a post on another board says of Sark:  "We just hired Mack Brown."

Ughh. Punch in the stomach.

You know that's the guy who beat The Greatest Team Ever, right? Did you watch that game? Have you ever seen football?

And it wouldn't be a visit to the USC board without someone saying the meanest thing they can think of with a good 12-hour run-up to it:

so who all is finally missing ceo? [ed: Orgeron]

12/3/2013 8:21:56 AM

By: NEB4USC

Now that you have another pete carroll dicklet in your ass thanks to the irish assassin, any regrets about not getting behind eo when you had the chance?

San Clemente may be dead.

"MEDIOCRITY WILL NOT BE ACCEPTED AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MISSISSIPPI."

SEC

Ole Miss entered the year with a boatload of hype thanks to a heralded recruiting class; one SEC season and Egg Bowl loss later they exit it 7-5, which is option A when it comes to Ole Miss seasons. Option B is 4-8, and no Rebel outfit since they were good in the '60s has finished with a record other than those two. I looked it up; don't bother doing it yourself. That is 100 percent fact.

Ole Miss fans seem to be split between "Nutt was 2-10 and we have gone to bowls the last three years" and excellence-demanders like this dude:

Some of you are laughable...no offense.

You mean to tell me we should all CROWN CHF for taking us to Compass and Liberty Bowls?

Pathetic.

Coaches get fired all the time for 6 and 7 win seasons. We aren't here to go to Compass Bowls and get beat by Miss. State...

Again, if I'm the AD at Ole Miss I tell Freeze to either win 9/10 games next year or you're gone...

MEDIOCRITY WILL NOT BE ACCEPTED AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MISSISSIPPI.

IT WILL BE FURIOUSLY REJECTED AS IT CONTINUES TO HAPPEN FOR 40 YEARS. Someone check the home for retired newspaper columnists; you will find one that has gone off the reservation.

This thread is stupid.

Yeah, rebelbear, yeah.

Thank you!!!!! I though I was here alone amongst losers for a while.

What if you still are?

MEDIOCRITY WILL NOT BE ACCEPTED GUY has his own thread, even:

10 wins next year or he's canned. MEDIOCRITY WILL NOT BE ACCEPTED AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MISSISSIPPI.

CHF reeks of mediocrity.

This one is all on YOU Coach.

Disgusted. I'm so disgusted right now I just want to puke and crawl in a hole. If anybody wastes their hard earned money on this team to watch them play in the Liberty Bowl....go to the mental hospital.

But wait, there's more.

As fans we deserve SEC Championships and BCS Bowls. Nothing less. Why not us guys?????

could it have something to do with the fact that you hung on to a confederate mascot until the 21st century I don't know… maybe

Freeze redzone play calling is pee wee football. Treadwell throwing the BALL???!!!????

Capping either of the first two words in the last sentence works. Capping the last implies that Treadwell is playing a futuristic version of football where all manner of things can be thrown and that his position is left yogurt hurler, a position that calls for precision but not much in the way of arm strength.

NEXT WEEK: An abbreviated version since it's just conference championship games! Unless someone leaps an undefeated Ohio State. In that case the column is cancelled because going on the internet will cause your face to burst into flame no matter how unrelated the site you're on is to college football.

More from SB Nation college football:

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Auburn’s insane Kick Six play, illustrated poster version

New bowl projections: FSU-Ohio State national title

College football news | Sarkisian leaves USC for Washington

Long CFB reads | The night Baylor died in Stillwater

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