Conference realignment story template: AD denies wanting to go somewhere better

Business won't really pick up until __________ (eccentric school president name) releases a statement of his or her own.

Despite rumors that __________ (school) would leave the __________ (pathetic conference) for __________ (better conference), athletic director __________ (name) insisted that the school would remain in the __________ (deteriorating league).

"Although we are flattered by the speculation, I wanted to assure you that the Board of Trustees currently has no plans to leave the __________ (conference that honestly is way worse than the other conference)", __________ (name of athletic director) said. "We're dedicated to the __________ (conference on its last limbs) for the foreseeable future."

However, Board of Trustees member __________ (outrageous name) convened a midnight riot to accuse __________ (embarrassing current conference) of __________, __________, __________ and __________ (list the four worst things you can imagine).

The __________ (decrepit conference) has already lost two members to the __________ (thriving conference), including longtime __________ (school) rival __________ (name of school plus "State," "Tech," or "A&M"), against whom they had played every year since __________ (year before 1900). The __________ (hellish deathscape of a conference) is down to __________ (hilarious number) football members. Although schools in the __________ (way superior conference) make upwards of __________ (big number) million annually in television rights, schools in the __________ (how-is-this-even-a-conference conference) are expected to take in under __________ (miserable number) million.

"I'll see you all at our __________ (sad conference) opener against UConn," __________ (name of athletic director) said.

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