DANGEROUS THINGS TO DO WITH COLLEGE FOOTBALL MASCOTS

Kevin C. Cox

College mascots are awesome, but you shouldn't mess with them.

This tweet happened:

Therefore the list, from least dangerous to most dangerous:

Kevin Sumlin falling down a well with Texas A&M's Reveille

What's that, Rev? There's trouble on the Johnson farm!

/Rev goes to fetch 400 Texas A&M kids randomly dressed in military gear line up to save Sumlin

June Jones doing anything with the SMU pony

Just look at him.

Bret Bielema wallowing with Tusk

Boars can charge at you if you get on their bad side, but I feel like they're chill dudes if you just wanna relax in some mud with them. I'd love to see Bret emerge from a pregame mud bath each week, pullover and all.

Steve Spurrier engaging in high-stakes cockfighting with Sir Big Spur

Act like this doesn't happen on a regular basis anyway.

NOTE: SB Nation does not condone cockfighting, an inhumane practice which is illegal in all 50 states. The last state to ban it was Louisiana in 2008, a fact NOT AT ALL related to Nick Saban's possibly mythical rise as a cockfighting legend in the mid-2000's. Also, read our tremendous longform on cockfighting.

Larry Fedora shofar harvesting from Ramses

I'm sure the vast majority of college football fans think the same thing as me around the time of the Jewish holidays: where did your synagogue get its ceremonial horn to ring in the new year from? Well, not to burst your bubble but you've gotta cut them suckers off of sheep's heads. I've always imagined that to be a super-emasculating process for the sheep in question. I imagine I'd get pretty fiesty if you tried to cut extremities off of my head without my permission, but I guess I'm lucky that hasn't really been an issue thus far.

Gus Malzahn alone in a field with a War Eagle

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Sure, he'd get scratched, but this is really only a problem for extremely tiny people. Wait... we were just talking about Saban again, weren't we? I think we could solve a lot of Auburn's problems in one fell swoop. Swoop.

A good way to prevent avian kidnapping of the Auburn kind: outfit your child with plate glass.

Les Miles-sponsored referee pack sprinting day with Mike the Tiger

The slowest ref dies.

(And yes, tigers and zebras don't overlap in range. Throwing this out there as a threat for underperforming refereeing crews.)

Steve Sarkisian competitive sled-racing Dubs, the Washington Husky

The Iditarod takes more than many days to complete, so this would be sort of a game-week impossibility.

Mack Brown participating in the Running of the Bevos

Quite frankly, I'm not sure how red-clad teams like Texas Tech has played at Texas every year for the past 100 years or whatever without gorings. Lots and lots of gorings.

Jim McElwain settling a romantic quarrel with Cam the Colorado State Ram

Rams are so primitive: armed with hardened horns outside of their head, bash their heads against each other until one is the winner. Now let's get back to writing about that sport where we watch unpaid teenagers strap titanium shells and run into each other as fast as they can.

NOTE: Does not apply if you are Busta Rhymes in the video for "Break Ya Neck."

Art Briles forgetting to put all his food in a plastic bag and hang it by a tree with Judge Joy and Judge Sue, the Baylor bears

Alternately: wrapping himself in meat.

Waking UGA

That jowly thing just wants to get some rest. He really, really, really wants to get some rest. Son is GRUMPY.

More in College Football:

What's a "lack of institutional control," anyway?

Would you rather coach USC or Texas?

Judging the entire ACC's Big Ten-readiness

Could an assistant college football coach afford to start a drug ring?

Miami's president takes on the NCAA

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