The 5 new people you meet at every college football spring camp

Brendan Maloney-US PRESSWIRE

Every college football spring practice experience is exactly the same.

No matter which college football team you root for, you're going to be reading about the same five or so people for the next two months. Let's get used to it now.

Your new quarterbacks are trying hard.

"It's not about last year or who's here or who's isn't here," said your head coach. "It's about getting out here and competing and seeing who is here, and that's where we're gonna go with that."

Competing for the chance to replace your departed second-round NFL Draft pick quarterback, who holds a half-dozen school records and the conference record for attempts, are:

  • Long-haired JUCO transfer
  • Sixth-year senior with two degrees, a child, a 12th-round MLB Draft grade and 11 career pass attempts
  • The freshman
  • Semi-converted wide receiver on a track scholarship
  • Head coach's son

"I feel real good about this group and where they're going," your head coach said. "And at some point in July I'll throw my hands up and roll the dice on one, then make a big weekly thing of it after that."

Your new strength coach is a revolution.

Every new strength coach is a walking, talking DID YOU EVEN LIFT LAST YEAR? meme, except roaring and hurtling instead of walking and talking. Every former strength coach is to blame for every point scored by every opponent in every second half.

last year's "strength" plan THIS YEAR'S STRENGTH PLAN

Initial goal learn how to swim VOMIT PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING DRUGS

Long-term goal lose pesky holiday weight VOMIT IMMORTALLY

Defining exercise arm circles and praise music SQUATS AND OATS

Diet weekly cheat days cut from 3 to 2.5 SQUATS AND OATS AAAAAAAH

Baseline intensity pre-sweaty VOMITING

Cardio plan trim your fanny in 15 minutes, call now LIFT SPRINTS

Core work advice two big bowls of Special K [/talks for seven hours]


Guidebook Volleyball Basics by Becky Ryan THE ILIAD

Crazy post-spring shit mom discovers one weird açaí berry trick AFGHANISTAN

Changes? monogrammed wristbands INSTALLING WEIGHT PROGRAM BITCH

but we had a weight program INSTALLING OLYMPIC WEIGHT PROGRAM

we had an Olympic (golf) weight program WE'LL DO THE 300 WORKOUT

we considered the 300 workout WE'LL DO THE BANE WORKOUT


oh shoot what's that MAKES YOU TALLER

Your new quarterbacks coach has a resume.

Your new quarterbacks coach has mentored and developed an extensive array of accomplished quarterbacks including two-time NFL MVP Kurt Warner*, NFL MVP Rich Gannon**, two-time Super Bowl champion Ben Roethlisberger***, six-time Pro Bowler Donovan McNabb****, Heisman Trophy winner Jason White***** and Walter Camp winner Josh Heupel*****.

His position coaching experience includes successful stints at East Texas Baptist, Upper Iowa, Meiji University, Notre Dame (Ohio), and USC******, all in three years of post-entrepreneurial work. Between his NFL career and his coaching career, he also founded a record label and clothing line, attempted to relocate a NHL franchise and served as the basis for the film Impossible is Nothing.

He is also personally responsible for the development of Quaqua Protégé Award winner Tim Tebow, as well as Tebow's undevelopment following his trade to the Jets. Your new quarterbacks coach slipped a device into Tebow that allows for Tebow's quarterbacking skills to be activated or deactivated at will*****.

Your new quarterbacks coach will take over as your offensive coordinator one week after this season, then leave to become the head coach at USC******** two weeks after that.

* Your new quarterbacks coach was on the Cardinals inactive list in 2005.

** Your new quarterbacks coach was on the Raiders inactive list in 2004.

*** Your new quarterbacks coach somehow had the same agent as his star draft classmate. Met twice.

**** Your new quarterbacks coach was forced into emergency kick-holding duties during a blowout loss to the Eagles.

***** Your new quarterbacks coach walked on at Oklahoma.

****** Utica School of Commerce's business college.

******* None of this can be verified.

******** The University of Southern California Trojans.

Your new practice facility expansion was expensive.

Your football complex is now the largest of its kind by square footage in a 298.21-mile radius except for that school we don't talk about and the second-most recently expanded in your conference by a week until next year, and this all will be fully paid off in 2077.

Your new defensive coordinator has streamlined the playbook.

"New scheme is more aggressive than it was last year," says your team's new defensive coordinator, who says he's installing a simpler defensive scheme predicated on attacking, rather than reacting. "No more overthinking. We've simplified the defense. We're now attack-oriented. Players lovin' it. We're gonna get after the football and dictate football on our terms, rather than sitting back in sundresses and waiting on the football offense. Less reading. More writing. CD-RWs. Defensive players finally turned loose. Turned loose to attack. Attack, attack, attack. Never react. Reacting is for chemicals. Our only chemical is aggression and football, whatever chemical that makes. We're thinking less. Gettin' after it. Never think. Never ponder. Sharks don't ponder shit. Never observe. Thought obstructs conquest. Obsess over attacking. Become football assault. Never philosiphize. Never know. Ingest oblivion. Get off the field on third down. Cleanse your mind of all but pain. Paaain is our beacon. Literally grab a beef fork and use it to scrape your brain from your skull. Eat your brain crap. Eat it with your teeth. Internalize fire ants. Force turnovers. Slice a panoramic slit all the way around your head so that your eyes can see in every direction. Become an enormous eyeball with quads and glutes, then discard the eyeball part. Rent The Cube 2: Hypercube. Stop reading this. We don't do read-and-react. Forget how to read. Cut Department of Education funding. Stop reading. Attack this computer. Bash this author in the face. Yearn for the end. Verily, bequeath your XBox to your dormmate. Murder your new defensive coordinator. Yes, my charges. Now is my time. Shred my soul as if it's a parking ticket. Feed on me like a virus. You must finish without me. I am hindered by my mind. You are not. It forces me to think. Thought is poison and impotence. I have freed you from your minds! The asinine disaster that is you is my doom, my pride. You are stump-dumb thunder and asteroids of flawless idiocy. Seize ruin. Eat the internet. Devour hunger. Impregnate chaos. Attack. Storm the void. Mock death. We're gonna get after the dang quarterback."

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