The college football universe exists in a highly pressurized state. Coaches work famously long hours and get little to no sleep as a result. Naturally, Alabama’s Nick Saban has taken this kind of dedication to the next level, electing to sleep only one night a year.
That night is the one following National Signing Day. The Process demands it, and after a couple years his body got used to it. Remaining conscious for an entire year has addled his mind well past the point of return, but he doesn’t have time for that s---, so go find somebody who cares, Sally.
Due to advances in the world of dream-deciphering technology, we got a look at all the things Nick Saban dreamed about during his one precious night of sleep. Our findings were... well, just take a look.
- A 10-story tall, sentient oatmeal cream pie named Vaughn
- A complete replay of the last episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta
- Miss Terry, berating the offensive line in a team meeting for no reason at all
- Three-dimensional puzzles (loves ‘em)
- Riding LSU’s live tiger mascot, Mike, like a bucking bronco
- Going three rounds in the cage with Wayne Huizenga
- Vacationing in Pure Michigan
- Finally getting a cell phone
- Digging a moat in front of the desk in his office and filling it with Courtney Upshaws
- Imelda Marcos’ shoe closet
- An enormous statue of himself outside Bryant-Denny Stadium, made entirely from Dr. Pepper 12-packs
- Beyonce. What, he’s human
- Putting on something slinky and standing in front of the Fax Cam
- How different things would be if he had stuck with his first love, dressage
- ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn
- That one where the wolves chase him around the kitchen table while he’s only wearing socks
- Sitting on Terrance Cody’s shoulders and throwing snowballs at Gene Chizik
- Beating Paul Finebaum with a cricket bat
- Shutting down UAB’s football program, just because he can
- Cam Newton’s irresistible smile