Things that are true because NCAA president Mark Emmert is actually a horse

Tyler Kaufman-US PRESSWIRE

Horses are incapable of some things, but they are very good at other things.

Let's get right to it.

1. The NCAA's investigation into extravagant inmate Nevin Shapiro's involvement with the Miami Hurricanes was derailed by the NCAA's own investigation, which is the kind of thing that happens to an organization overseen by a horse.

2. Mark Emmert has never been on an airplane, because horses are afraid of outer space.

3. Horses cannot be held accountable for any legal misdeed, so someone at the NCAA besides the horse was fired for the botched Miami investigation.

4. Mark Emmert loves carrots.

5. The NCAA's botched investigation was defended by a NCAA investigator because horses are terrible at quelling uprisings.

6. Mark Emmert has to be brushed all the time.

7. The lawyer at the heart of the NCAA's investigation investigation probably either shouldn't have been used in the first place or was a "patsy" for the NCAA. Horses don't know what patsies are, but they sound delicious.

8. There are many portraits of Mark Emmert doing majestic things among wildflowers.

9. Mark Emmert, a horse, received the "unanimous" support of the NCAA's executive committee, because everyone loves horses.

10. Mark Emmert is too large to fit in your bathroom.

11. The NCAA's Miami crusade drew vocal opposition from school president Donna Shalala, the ACC's commissioner (who is not a fellow horse), a United States Senator (who is almost certainly a fellow horse) and the entire internet, despite the internet usually siding with horses.

12. Mark Emmert is of the species Equus ferus caballus, which is a fancy way of saying he is a horse.

13. A NCAA investigator told a judge that imprisoned felon Shapiro could maybe come work for the NCAA some day. Hey, if a horse can work there, who can't?

14. During his time at LSU, Mark Emmert worked as a New Orleans police horse, which probably explains more about the NCAA's investigations than anything else here.

15. The NCAA said it's dropping "about 20 percent" of the "tainted" evidence from its investigation into Miami. A horse will eat tainted evidence as long as it's not, like, evidence-only-dogs-would-eat tainted.

16. This is a photograph of Mark Emmert's evolutionary ancestor, the Hagerman horse, via the National Park Service:


17. NCAA meetings were reportedly plagued with "screaming" and "crying," and not because a horse was stampeding through boardrooms. Can't blame Mark Emmert for everything.

18. Genghis Khan liked horses, but so does Viggo Mortensen. Horse fans aren't all bad.

19. The NCAA's investigation into the NCAA's investigation of Miami also went all cockeyed, which happens when a horse is in charge.

20. Mark Emmert is not a unicorn. He is a horse.

21. As of Thursday morning, Mark Emmert has still not been fired by the NCAA, and neither has any other horse.

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