Jason Kirk might be getting exclusionary, but the debate over whether FBS college football already has too many teams raises a much better question: what if we invited everyone to the party? We're talking every football team in the world.
The San Francisco 49ers
The Pac-12, already dominant in the Bay Area with Stanford and Cal, further solidified its position atop the San Francisco football pecking order by adding the 49ers. The Super Bowl runners-up immediately entered the newly formed Pac-16, along with the San Diego Chargers, Seattle Seahawks, and Portland Timbers of MLS.
"IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL," said 49ers head coach Jim Harbaugh, the former coach at Stanford. "I CAN'T WAIT TO PLAY THAT SCHOOL DOWN SOUTH AGAIN. THE SOUTHERN CAL ONE."
The Big Ten immediately followed the Pac-12's lead by announcing the acquisition of the Omaha Nighthawks and Virginia Destroyers of the UFL.
"Omaha and Virginia give us two key markets, and UFL football has always been more dedicated to traditional football than its NFL counterpart," said commissioner Jim Delany. "The Big Ten just isn't the place for the pass-happy offenses of the Cleveland Browns and Kansas City Chiefs."
Almost immediately, the NCAA launched an investigation of illegal payments to literally everyone on the 49ers roster. After a "good cop, bad cop" routine goes nowhere, the investigators did what they always do: Pay a lawyer who is already involved in litigation against the Niners to ask questions for them. When the NCAA eventually threatened San Francisco with the Death Penalty, 49ers ownership agreed to leave college football so that they did not have to rehire Dennis Erickson.
The SEC, forever searching for speed, acquired the Brazilian national soccer team.
"We are happy to announce the addition of this legendary program to our conference," commissioner Mike Slive announced. "Not only has this program won multiple titles, but it has done it with style, class, and a firmer grip on the English language than LSU's."
Most SEC football coaches greet the acquisition with optimism.
"It's a phenomenal step up for our conference," said Georgia coach Mark Richt.
"I look forward to seeing their offense in action," explained Texas A&M coach Kevin Sumlin. Nick Saban mumbled something incoherent and bit the head off a bat, but smiled afterward.
Not every coach was enthused, though.
South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier couldn't resist taking a shot at Brazil head coach Luiz Felipe Scolari. "The only time Marcus Lattimore takes a dive is when he scores another touchdown," the ol' ball coach told reporters before adding, "Hey, we're always looking for a good kicker."
Likewise, Bret Bielema told reporters he's not excited about biannual road trips to Europe.
In order to give the league an even number of participants, Slive also extended an SEC offer to the Jacksonville Breeze of the Lingerie Football League. The Breeze are expected to top Missouri in the SEC East standings.
Upon hearing the news, Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany immediately offered conference membership to Venezuela and Chile, then threatened to take the conference to Division IV.
Not content with adding the Idaho Vandals (themselves inhabitants of a Moscow), the Sun Belt Conference took the least Sun Belt team available: Russian football club Dynamo Moscow.
"Not only does the addition of Dinamo Moscow add a lucrative television market and give us a worldwide monopoly on Moscows," said commissioner Karl Benson, "but it fortifies us against any further incursion from the major conferences."
He added, "Just ask Napoleon how THAT goes, Slive."
Jim Delany immediately stepped up efforts to annex Zenit St. Petersburg. He said that the team gives the Big Ten Russia's largest television market, but secretly he hopes he can convince the Russians to rename the city Delanygrad.
The Big Far East
The former Big East football schools, reeling from the loss of their basketball-only brethren and league name and stung by public ridicule for their attempts to expand westward in 2012, targeted their expansion way further east by adding perennial Australian Football League contenders Sydney and Essendon and the Sanyo Wild Knights of the Japanese Rugby Union.
Commissioner Mike Aresco explained that Sydney and Essendon represented "excellence in football" and discounted the inherent problems of their peculiar kick-happy style of football, saying, "It's really not that much different than UConn."
As for Sanyo Wild Knights, Aresco explained that they offer both an obvious marketing opportunity and a natural replacement for Rutgers.
Jim Delany annexed the Australian National rugby team, taking the more populous (and less successful) Wallabies and leaving the bigger, stronger, faster New Zealand All Blacks for the SEC, with a haughty laugh and a mumbled sentence about Nielsen ratings.
Big Far East ratings soar as they take the customary WAC slot as the 3 a.m. Sunday morning kickoff on ESPN. The television figures for East Carolina-Essendon are so good that the conference makes it a protected rivalry.
Despite continued on-field dominance, the SEC loses its contract with CBS just moments after Verne Lundquist attempts to pronounce the name of Brazilian midfielder Arouca with five distinct syllables, a violation of numberous FCC regulations and standards of decency.
The Big Ten becomes the first conference to circumnavigate the globe but refuses to acknowledge the feat, reiterating a firm belief that the world is indeed flat.
The ACC, which adds the entire AFC South division, is again won by Florida State. The 8-4 Seminoles won the ACC Championship Game over the 7-5 Jacksonville Jaguars in front of 12,000 raucous fans in Jacksonville. Despite eventually growing to 44 teams, the ACC still refuses to extend offers to Cincinnati and Connecticut.
The Sun Belt plays the first daytime college football game completely devoid of actual sun, when Idaho loses, 24-10, to the high school team in Barrow, Alaska.
The conference commissioners devise a six-team national championship game, with one game on three intersecting football fields deciding the title. Alabama wins it. Roll Tide.