Miami vs. the NCAA as an episode of Judge Judy

Joe Raedle

We've let this case play out in kangaroo court long enough. Time to get an expert on the scene. It's Judge Judy time.

ANNOUNCER: ... And now the next case.

BAILIFF: All parties in the matter of Donna vs. Mark, come forward please.

ANNOUNCER: Donna is accusing Mark of lying, misconduct and pouring bleach on her clothes. She alleges that Mark keyed her car and scammed the Hurricanes out of thousands of dollars on ebay.

JUDGE JUDY: Ms. Shalala, these are some serious allegations. Run us through your story.

DONNA SHALALA: Well, Judge, this guy right here [points to Emmert] belittled my university, lied, cheated, called us thugs, maliciously attacked us in public and outright tried to diminish the integrity of the U. Plus, I asked him to watch my dog and three days later, my dog was a cat.

JUDGE JUDY: Wait, wait, wait. Let's take this one thing at a time. Mr. Emmert, how would you like to respond?

MARK EMMERT: Donna is the mother of my child. She won't admit it. And her university was selling illegal stereos out of a white Grand Caravan. Plus, she isn't nice to me at all.

DONNA SHALALA: Hey, hey, those stereos weren't illegal at all. I have permits. Your honor, I have permits. Thirty days have September.

JUDGE JUDY: It isn't your turn. Emmert, continue.

MARK EMMERT: In January, I was playing in a game of flag football, and I asked Donna to pick up a Chick-fil-A tray. She didn't. She just sent me an emoji of, well, what appeared to be a piece of human excrement.

DONNA SHALALA: Hell no, strike that from the record. Those are lies. He's lying. Check the texts. I have them right here.

JUDGE JUDY: What?

DONNA SHALALA: Check them! And he was supposed to pick up my daughter and her friends for the prom. He told me he would be there at 8 p.m., but come 9 p.m. he wasn't here. I called, and he told me he'd be there soon with a stretch Escalade. He didn't show up. Eventually, a different driver showed up in a Towncar. He refused to pay me my deposit back.

MARK EMMERT: When we were living together in 2011, Donna and I got in an argument over Tupperware. As a result, she assaulted me and made me move into the crawlspace in the basement. She owes me my January rent back.

JUDGE JUDY: This is a courtroom, none of this is even in the report, I thought we were talking about college sports infractions and violations. What even is-

MARK EMMERT: And she sold me a defective food processor that was actually a packet of sea monkeys.

DONNA SHALALA: Lies. Lies and crimes. Crimes and misdemeanors. Those sea monkeys were willed to me by my grandmother. It was a gift.

MARK EMMERT: Illegal gifts. Bribes! Let the record show

JUDGE JUDY: I'm done. I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I'm going on The Chew.

MARK EMMERT: You never even waxed my car. You didn't do it. I thought you were going to wax my car.

DONNA SHALALA: You're the worst.

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