Last week, former New York Times reporter Selena Roberts published a report for her site named Roopstigo, accusing the Auburn college football program of every violation short of running a Ponzi scheme to fund a company providing memory implants to ACC school administrators.
Some of these allegations might have appeared a bit far-fetched. But Roopstigo was just the beginning. Yes, this is a joke.
Chain retailer Rooms To Go provides quality furniture at affordable prices in more than 150 showrooms throughout the Southeast. Or, if you're bold, you can shop online and have either individual pieces or an entire room delivered right to your door.
But underneath the bright lights and leathery looks is a velvety criminal underbelly that would make David Lynch blush.
The final report will be out soon, but in the meantime, I'm here to break down some of the more memorable points in the the unbelievable Rooms To Go scandal set to scorch Auburn.
- Pictured here is a reference to buddy recruiting, which is the practice of offering a pair of teammates in order to receive a package deal. Auburn has profited in a number of ways, most notably with navy blue and burnt orange chaise lounges in its training room.
- Sources say former Auburn head coach Gene Chizik left $250 and a Game Boy Advance in a faux leather ottoman for Mobile Rooms To Go assistant manager David Reynolds, neighbor to 4-star DE recruit Davelious DeGauche. Chizik was later seen carrying a 10 percent-off flyer.
- Home court advantage, huh? Scoring big, eh? Subtle, Auburn.
- "No interest until January 2016*" (*with purchase on your Rooms To Go credit card). Improper benefit.
- After piling through stacks of receipts, we have reason to believe Cam Newton is eight months behind on his Sunset View Espresso Counter Height dining room set payments and has yet to face repossession. Winks sold separately, if you ask me.
- How do you think this Auburn-themed bedroom set offers tremendous value? How? "Fun college football accessories" is street code for free tattoos.
- While it normally is a $50 upcharge to go from a queen to a king sleigh bed, a source insists at least half a dozen Auburn football players got king sleigh beds at the queen rate. This isn't just an eccentric salesman trying to close the deal; this is booster-work at its best.
- In fact, Auburn has done nothing to curb the spice rack epidemic plaguing football players.
- Cindy Crawford, a shameless Rooms To Go partner, was recently indicted by NCAA president Mark Emmert on allegations she provided skin care products to recruits and their families in exchange for Cindy Crawford Home purchases made by prominent Auburn alumni.
- Meanwhile, Alabama was spotted airlifting an entire Lowe's and nobody said a dang thing about it. When pressed for comment, Oliver Delicroix said, "That's just 'cruitin."
- Former defensive coordinator Will Muschamp purchased an oriental rug and got free shipping with his online order.
- There is an entire section of the website devoted to "Employee Benefits." Do I even need to go on?
This is just a short list of the innumerable violations committed by Rooms To Go on behalf of the Auburn football program. And that's just Auburn.
I shudder to think of the scandal poisoning amateur athletics as a whole. The next time you're searching for non-slip rugs, accent pillows, chaises, jewelry armoires or a sturdy barstool, beware of the machine that is Rooms To Go.
Unless you're ready to see how the BCS furniture sausage is really made.