My mind currently fails me on who originally said it, but Auburn truly is the white whale of college football investigative reporting. Everyone is so dang convinced that something crooked is going down there, but nobody can ever catch the Tigers cheatin'.
The latest go at Auburn involved a completely inane "SPICE EPIDEMIC", which got me wondering what utter silliness the next great Auburn scandal will center around. Let's brainstorm!
- A zeppelin theft ring.
- Gene Chizik's shackets? Those are made of 100 percent authentic manatee skin, buddy.
- A Brian VanGorder sex tape, complete with commentary and soundtrack.
- The athletic department was diverting funds to help build Bobby Lowder's undersea doomsday device.
- Selena Roberts, wearing a Groucho Marx-esque glasses and fake nose combo, purchases what turns out to be a bag of oregano from an unnamed AU linebacker.
- NCAA investigators are tipped off to Milton McGregor's Cam Newton cloning facility, located beneath Victoryland.
- There's still a SPICE EPIDEMIC in Lee County, but it's just football players who really like cayenne pepper.
- Brandon Cox violated NCAA rules by changing his name to Chris Todd and continuing to play beyond his eligibility.
- Freshman orientation kits include Nick Saban voodoo dolls.
- Some players, on occasion, drink alcohol.
- Some players have less than 100 percent class attendance.
- The university actually hasn't fielded a basketball team in the last decade, but no one's really bothered to check. However, an individual known as Basketball Coach has drawn a nice salary during that time.