College football season nears, which means fans of every college football team are becoming more and more convinced everything's gonna break the right way this year, and it would be both ridiculous and indicative of an agenda to suggest otherwise.
"We can't have injury luck like we had last year."
"Can't lose that many fumbles again."
"Alabama's not on the schedule, or we get Alabama at home, or Alabama lost a bunch of offensive linemen."
"Our new coach or coordinator or whatever is taking the restrictor plate off."
"We got some great recruits coming in, as if we're the only program in the country with some great recruits coming in."
"Ticket sales are up or only slightly down."
"Our rival is falling off hard. I can smell it."
"We finally have a quarterback. That's not an overstatement. We did not have a quarterback last year."
"At least we're not Maryland."
In short, every single team in the country will be better than it was last year. There's no way around it. Thus, below we have the standings we'll have at the end of the regular season, assuming each fanbase's homeriest faction is correct about its team. These were arrived at by looking at each team's schedule, weighing how homery each fanbase's homeriest members will be by August, and (lastly) sort of thinking about how good each team is.
These are not predictions. These are HOMER STANDINGS.
Three facts about the following lists:
- Multiple readers will be bothered by their teams being awarded fewer wins in the HOMER STANDINGS than were hoped for, meaning multiple readers will out-homer the HOMER STANDINGS. (Or the HOMER STANDINGS were actually too low!)
- "Absolutely no fan of [my team] is that deluded." You are not correct. Go through the games on your schedule, week-by-week. You'll feel yourself leaning toward such a number. Reason might prevail, but it might not.
- One team will actually exceed its HOMER STANDINGS win count, because college football is forever stranger than any fiction.