Bret Bielema's Kitchen: An analysis

Wesley Hitt

Four islands? Two sinks? Black marble? Where in the heck is Bret Bielema living?

Late Wednesday evening, newly-minted Arkansas head coach Bret Bielema -- already prone to engaging in interesting conversation on Twitter -- tweeted out a picture of his dog in the family's new kitchen:

I'm going to ignore for a second Bielema's "spoiled" dog, which is clearly his wife's. No man who grew up on a hog farm and played defensive end for Hayden Fry would have a nine-pound dog with its own bathrobe, and I'm not going to join the chorus of people questioning his choice of canine companion.

But what is going on with Bielema's kitchen? He has two sinks on separate islands, both facing the same direction so that he can't even get a "double sink" thing going when he's making stew or whatever. On the opposite wall, there appears to be a third counter with bar stools (there are bar stools at the dog's island, as well, because bar stools in different locations facing the same direction on the same line are conducive to chatter while hosting parties), and another small wall next to it with a fourth counter for collecting mail. I attempted to draw the kitchen floor plan, including all the things that Bielema would typically require for a kitchen that are not included in the shot:

Bielema_kitchen_medium

There simply isn't enough room for a microwave, a giant side-by-side fridge and a deep freeze full of venison in that kitchen full of islands, and we all know that the garage is too full of beer fridges and ATVs to hold the deep freeze, too.

There is only one explanation for this: Bielema is currently homeless and living in the kitchen countertop display section at a Fayetteville Lowe's. There is no other place where the rules of efficient kitchen design and sink conservation are so blatantly ignored. I hope you find a home soon, Bret. That dog definitely needs a place to relax.

More from SB Nation:

Be careful with the USA Today college sports revenue database

2013 College Football Hall of Fame class is here

SB Nation spends NFL Draft night with a first-rounder’s agent

The SEC Network vs. the Big Ten Network

National recruiting coverage

Today’s college football news headlines

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join SBNation.com

You must be a member of SBNation.com to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at SBNation.com. You should read them.

Join SBNation.com

You must be a member of SBNation.com to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at SBNation.com. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.