2013 SEC Media Days questions that won't be asked (but sure should)

Kelly Lambert

In a perfect world, each SEC coach would have to face this particular kind of music in Hoover, Alabama this week. These are not the questions SEC Media Days wants. These are the questions SEC Media Days deserves. Live updates right here.

Coach Spurrier,

What'd you shoot today?

How would you rate Jadeveon Clowney's performance in Pacific Rim?

You often engage in a war of words with Dabo Swinney. How many of them do you think he understands?

What percentage of your Redskins salary has been spent at Big Lots on novelty pillows?

Coach Bielema,

You got a lighter?

Is this done? [pulls lid off Big Green Egg, reveals slow-roasted brisket, sets off fire alarm]

How are you even standing after last night?

Talk a little bit about how your experience in the Big Ten will help in losing games against SEC competition.

I'd like you to expand on scoring 80 on Indiana, mostly because everyone here can agree on laughing at Indiana football, and we need a moment of unity today.

No question here, Coach. Just wanted to say your wife's dogs are adorable.

Does it terrify people that you came from a state with more public drunkenness than ARKANSAS?

You don't have a lineman over 400 pounds. Tell us how you're going to compensate for that.

What was it like having your childhood captured on film? [holds up copy of Beethoven's 2nd]

Coach, can you tweet some mean shit at Tim Brewster while talking about your quarterback depth?

Is it weird living in a state with Missouri in the attic? Do they make weird noises late at night and stuff?

Coach Mullen,

Are you worried that if you start crying for the first time now you'll never be able to stop?

Coach Jones,

Did Derek Dooley's office have an ant problem? I bet it had, like, the WORST ant problem.

Will playing Oregon in Eugene in the third week of the season hurt more or less than this taser I'm about to hit you with?

Coach Gruden, I want to -- IMPOSTOR!!! IMPOSTOR!!! SECURITY THIS AIN'T COACH GRUDEN

Last year your quarterback was named Munchie Legaux. That's awesome, and not a question, but we just wanted to say that.

Where do you stand on the only real debate in Tennessee: skunk or possum?

How does it feel coaching and living between two of the biggest stockpiles of nuclear material in the United States, Oak Ridge and Dolly Parton's Splash Country?

Coach Freeze,

I know you're a big fan of Designing Women. I say you're a Charlene, but he thinks you're a Suzanne. What say you? I'll sit down and listen.

Lou Holtz had a love scene cut from The Blind Side. We gonna see that in the 10th anniversary-edition DVD?

Is running water still a recruiting advantage Ole Miss has over Mississippi State?

Have you ever changed the water filter in your fridge? Don't lie; no one does, Coach.

Bo Wallace survived a full year's worth of punishment while only weighing 175 pounds at quarterback. Talk a little bit about a contract with the devil, and how his pen singes the flesh as you sign it.

You're a fisherman. Do you think Nick Saban keeps too many bass in his live well, and yells, "MEDICAL SCHOLARSHIP," when he sees a Fish and Wildlife warden and starts throwing them overboard?

How do you respond to allegations that you are hoarding the available fish in America's rivers and lakes in order to render opposing teams Omega 3-deficient?

Coach Richt,

What state should have more devastating earthquakes? The correct answer is Alabama, but I just want to see if you agree.

Can you spot me? [asked from under a 325-pound bench press attempt set up in the aisle]

Is it weird for you now that Mike Bobo's good at his job?

Have you lost control of your program? If not, have you lost control of this bottle rocket? [shoots bottle rocket into terrified scrum of reporters]

Coach Stoops,

Who are you?

Do you have any state-issued ID that proves this?

Do you have a second state-issued ID?

Did you know a Starwood Preferred Guest card is not a proper form of ID?

Your basketball credentials seem thin. What can you do to help Coach Calipari bring home another title?

Coach Franklin,

How hard was it making INSANITY: Volume 2? How do you stay motivated?

Coach Franklin, you wanna fight?

How do you overcome the challenge of recruiting young men to come to a city full of people who ruin karaoke night every time without fail?

Coach Franklin, you wanna fight? Here? Now? [rips off shirt, is wearing "Spuds McKenzie, King of the Party" t-shirt over rippling gut]

When #AnchoringDown, should I check to see if anyone's home downstairs first? Some of us have neighbors, you know.

Is the city of Knoxville your best in-state negative recruiting tool?

No seriously: I want to fight you so badly right now.

Coach Malzahn,

You're a fan of the hurry-up offense. But would you ever slow down for love?

Coach Saban hates the hurry-up offense. Do you think it's because his short legs make keeping up so difficult?

Coach, do you think birds can see what your soul looks like? Do you think that's why Terry Bowden left Auburn?

What are you doing to keep the Auburn Jimmy John's -- Auburn's only two-star restaurant and an important recruiting draw -- alive and profitable, coach?

Can your visor be thrown as a weapon like Coach Spurrier's?

May we speak with your wife for an hour?

Coach Sumlin,

How hard is it for you to not say, "I TOLD YOU," for 10 minutes straight to open your session today?

Is the continued absence of a Waffle House in College Station the biggest obstacle for Texas A&M?

Did you always have such beautiful eyes?

Can we hang out after this?

How about a phone number?

Snapchat?

That's suit's not tailored? Good god, man, clothes just mold to you, don't they?

Is this weird? Don't say it's weird. It's all I've ever wanted.

Coach Muschamp,

When is Conference USA's media day?

Does this laser pointer anger you? [holds laser pointer in Muschamp's face, is killed three seconds later]

Sometimes, when it's late at night and you're on the recruiting trail, do you just pull roadkill off the road rather than stop for food? You can tell us, there's no one here listening or taking this down.

Is the documentary Spring Breakers a fair depiction of Florida recruiting? Was James Franco's portrayal of Urban Meyer spot-on and is that something you want to comment on?

Talk a little bit about "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan and what he means to you, and indeed to all of us.

Coach Saban,

How do you hope to compete with Texas A&M this year in College Station?

Coach, I -- [rips off rubber face, is Harvey Updyke wearing Bane mask]

Should I lay the points against Virginia Tech? Again, this just between us, no one's listening.

How are you preparing AJ McCarron for his two years on the Chiefs bench?

Did you remember to recruit a kicker? Also, did you floss? Those are two important things everyone forgets from time to time.

Coach, you ever read Buzzfeed? Rate this question LOL/WFT/IDK, please.

Coach Miles,

What sound does purple make? Don't act like you don't have an opinion on this.

Mettenberger looked really comfortable in 2012. Besides hiring a new offensive coordinator, what else will you do to make sure that doesn't happen again in 2013, Coach?

Coach, talk about toxic waste and petroleum runoff in Louisiana and how its mutagenic powers benefit LSU football.

Coach Miles, you wanna breakdance battle? Here? Now?

Have you ever considered the affordable Kia Cadenza for your transportation needs? [drives Kia into Wynfrey ballroom, releases balloons, cashes endorsement check, and runs out the door]

Coach Pinkel,

How do you feel about your prospects in the Big 12 this year?

More from SB Nation:

Projecting every 2013 college football conference race

All we actually know about the Johnny Manziel rumor

Tons of top recruit interviews from SB Nation at The Opening

Bill Connelly’s Pac-12 team preview series is underway

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Today’s college football news headlines

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