This Week In Schadenfreude: Victory for accountability, but not Texas

George Frey

This Week In Schadenfreude absorbs the collective agony of college football and crams it into one place. This week: Texas puts people in dove-murderin' moods. USC shows real pathology. A man's father asks someone to sit down. How not to get laid in Morgantown. And DRISKEEEEEEEL.

Texas had no idea.

The boggling numbers coming out of the Texas-BYU game are the death knell for Mack Brown's career, but in a bit. For defensive coordinator Manny Diaz, it's mercifully over right now. He was replaced by… wait for it… Greg "GERG" Robinson, last seen rubbing a beaver in Kenny Demens's face as he led Michigan to their worst defensive performance ever. This is the fourth Texas coordinator to be deep-sixed since 2010, and nobody's buying anything Brown is selling anymore, including the Longhorn Network.

Exchange:

TexasNick: Thought this would happen last night, but woke up thinking Mack wouldn't pull trigger. I agree it matters little, but a small victory for accountability.

Scipio Tex: When China decided to admit that Mao may not have been always entirely right in the wake of starving 40 million, killing and imprisoning all dissidents, and the Cultural Revolution, I bet everyone was thinking,"Now there’s a small victory for accountability."

TexasNick: You just compared college football to the death of millions. Which of us has lost perspective?

ScipioTex: Me. Because the BYU game was more like the Mongols razing of Asia and the Middle East.

Angry beard selfie:

550 yards rushing demands a game thread delve.

PREGAME

They're a good team but our D should overwhelm them.

Texas should win by 30 or 40 if Brown has any real hopes of going on this big run he’s been bragging about. Time to put up or shut up.

BYU gets a quick field goal.

Does our D-line know the game has finally started?

Game bogs down for the rest of the first quarter.

At least the interior D is stiffening

And their QB is still horrendous.

Texas hits a 57-yard touchdown pass over the top. 7-3 Texas.

I like the matchup on the outside there.

against a virgin caucasian?

ALL DAY LONG

Less than a minute later, BYU's quarterback takes a basic read-option keeper 68 yards when Steve Edmond crashes on the running back… again. 10-7, BYU.

KEEP CRASHING INSIDE, ENDS

What’s the worst that could happen?

Edmond

still doesn’t know the QB has the ball. Why is he playing!!!!

if only we could have predicted a run on 3rd and 2

Well played mormons

Calling Greg Robinson

WreckerTex probably feels bad about himself today.

Texas drives, finishing it off with a tough two-yard Joe Bergeron touchdown. 14-10 Texas.

Joe B. Great effort bro.

BYU is still running basic zone-read plays on which no one takes the QB.

Manny needs to grab [Edmond] by the f---ing facemask and scream endless obscenities in his ear hole.

I think Stephen Hawking could get 100 yards against us.

Hill punches in a 20-yard touchdown. BYU, 17-14. It's the middle of the second quarter.

QB has 151 yards rushing.

Hi!

by WreckerTex on Sep 7, 2013 | 7:06 PM

Two minutes later, BYU punches in another rushing touchdown. 24-14, BYU.

is 287 yds rushing in the first half bad/\?

Halftime, 27-14 BYU.

Lose this and we may be on our way to The Purge

You're a glass half full kind of guy.

I’m a "HOLY SHIT THAT GLASS IS HALF FULL OF STALE PISS, AND MACK BROWN IS GOING TO MAKE US DRINK IT ANDTHERE’S NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT!!!" kind of guy.

looks like this bottle of maker's needs a buddy

Come on, guys

41 more comments and we’ll have as many comments as yards allowed.

Five minutes into the second half, Taysom scores on a quarterback draw. He'll end the game 9/27 passing and over 250 rushing yards, and he scores on a QB draw. After halftime.

ha ha ha ha

None of the defensive coaches could have seen an overload blitz turning out that way. Jesus Christ.

We have no pride or dignity.

Someone have Greg Robinson's phone number?

I think we are done here. Wait…

Is there anything sadder in this world

than Case McCoy throwing a Hail Mary for no reason other than to make a loss a little less lopsided?

…okay. Now we're… actually, one more:

Dove hunting tomorrow AM.

After the way this game has gone, I am not going to just kill those birds. I am going to hurt them. I am going to make it slow and painful. I am going to tie them up, sit them in a little line, and then make them watch as, one-by-one, I leisurely execute their little dove friends.

At this point, torturing helpless animals is the only way to ease the pain of Longhorn football.

by BrickHorn on Sep 7, 2013 | 7:48 PM

Greg Robinson's stuffed beaver has no idea what it's in for. Texas… somehow you manage to acquire the Tears of Unfathomable Sadness. You are bad and should feel bad about this.

The rest of the week in spleen:

Pac-12

Anger up!

"He put poop all over the field." – This guy

Alphabetical order is overturned as we scramble to insert USC items before their entire internet burns down after a 10-7 loss to Washington State that had to be seen to be believed. Matt Hinton has the grisly details, if you like Lane Kiffin snuff films, which you do.

There is of course a terrible Downfall parody. Meanwhile, this column has tracked the online exploits of one San Clemente on one of the internet's less-moderated outposts for a few years now. Ravingly angry even in decent times, this did not sit well. For one, Kiffin has moved from "Goatboy" to "Goatshit" to "Darth Goatshit" as USC's performance has dipped. (Is "Emperor Goatshit" next? I can actually get behind that.)

After asserting that the team should just ignore Darth, repeatedly proclaiming that "Witteck" is a born loser, he lays it down:

NO washington St is not a good football team

9/8/2013 12:52:16 AM

By: San Clemente

they have a few good players on each side of the ball.  No one that will play on sundays.  They have a good head coach.

USC HAS THE SINGLE WORST HEAD COACH IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL HISTORY.  EVEN WORSE THAT THAT HIGH SCHOOL GUY THE FRENCH WHORES HAD IN THE EARLY 80'S.  YES WORSE THAN PAUL HACKET.

USC IS THE EASIEST TEAM TO prepare for and defend that has ever been fielded at any level.

KIFFIN IS A FAWKING COWARD. PUCKER PUCKER PUCKER.

ps. told ya so. and it's going to get worse. much much worse.  sc

Vague threats and racism? You bet.

USC had better hire extra security .

9/8/2013 9:36:25 PM

By: San Clemente

Is USC legally responsible if the crowd tears Darth Goatshit's limbs off on Saturday.

The good news for DArth is that it's a noon kickoff so the crowd should be relatively sober .

The bad news is the crowd will see every third and long bubble screen as Kiffin flipping them off.

My guess is the crowd will be closer to 50K, but those there won't take kindly to being flipped off.

What exactly will a hundred mexicans in yellow windbreakers do if things get out of control?

If they do get him is a scene from Game of Thrones, my guess is the french whore loving LUSH [ed: this is apparently AD Pat Haden. Notre Dame are "the french whores"] is next. sc

Things getting out of control at a USC game would be caused by what now? The daiquiri stand running out of rum? One Direction showing up? I know football has no such power.

Finally, presented without comment:

The kiffin infomercial shows real pathology .

9/10/2013 11:14:21 AM

By: San Clemente

A psych grad student could do a theses trying to unravel that disaster . It goes way beyond denial . this douche really does live in his own little world. Sc

Scott Tenorman of the Week, obviously.

ACC

I have been where VIRGINIA fans are today, attempting to hold my intestines inside of my body after being strafed by Oregon. At least it's over quick. And you're Virginia fans, so…

Subject: One tremendous positive from yesterday...

we had a great tailgate. what a spectacular late summer day.

…you enjoy the culture of the game to a great extent. Not exclusively, though.

Anyone have any sharp knives or mushrooms for sale? **

Even getting housed 59-10 was not the worst thing to happen to one particular Hoo on Saturday. This is brutal:

Subject: Pretty Lame crowd today for the most part.

Posted by: Jonybuck33 on Sat Sep 7 2013 8:23:50 PM

Of course, I have no right to speak. I witnessed one of the most horrifying
things ever at a UVa football game.

My dad asked the guys in front of him to sit down. When they said they couldn't see because of the people in front of them, he
said "Well tell them to sit down"

I don't even know who I am anymore after seeing that disgusting display.

All of SB Nation's thoughts are with you, Jonybuck33. Hire that private investigator. Find out you are adopted. Only then will you have peace.

Btndy-vcmae7y0p_medium

Adam Glanzman/Michigan Daily

Technically independent NOTRE DAME also had a bad weekend, losing to Michigan 41-30 thanks in part to a bad interception by Tommy Rees just before halftime. That lead to this bomb by a hopefully drunj "IrishMarley":

Hi we're ND...

And we associate the football team with actual scholars. We're truly idiots and we want to fade into shadows likestanford. We put academics firsts and cometary SCREWED our starting QB because of res life and a poor tutor (which has hopefully ben reliieved of their duties) You'd better maintain aa 3.0 or you're fucked. We hate you.
This isn't the 50's... get thee clue. Keep up or get left behind.
Signed,
Turning Point

The next morning:

Guinness: How we feeling this morning buddy?

davejlewis: Buddy?

IrishMarley: Ugh...seen better days. I feel like hammered shit

But at least your spelling has improved drastically.

BIG TEN

The only loser this week was Indiana, which went down to Navy for the second straight year. Indiana being Indiana, everyone watched the game and thought about Noah Vonleh.

The unhappiest fanbase in the league remains MICHIGAN STATE, 21-6 winners over USF despite 265 yards of offense against a team that lost to McNeese State 53-21 on opening weekend, but we already bugged them after a win last week and piling on seems redundant. They're just saying the same things. Oh alright, one thing:

New Years has become my least favorite holiday. I feel like the Rose Bowl is "National Prom Day" or something and I'm some fat girl who never got to go in High School, and every year I'm reminded about how awesome it is, while I'm bitter as f---.

They are 2-0.

BIG TWELVE

Texas is covered above. Oklahoma State's issues are outside the scope of this column. But what about WEST VIRGINIA, 16-7 losers to Oklahoma? After squeezing by William and Mary, Geno Smith's absence looms large:

Worst pickup lines in Morgantown.


Last year was "I play defense for the football team" This year it is "I play offense for the football team". That is all.

They're not too mad overall, so we can stop there.

SEC

SOUTH CAROLINA's SEC championship and Clowney Heisman dreams were battered and destroyed, respectively, in a 41-30 loss to Georgia that featured two defensive assistant coaches nearly coming to blows on the sideline. One of them was probably this guy:

Clowney to MLB


Put Clowney at MLB so he doesn't have to run the width of the field every play because the offense is running away from him. Just imagine the collisions at the line. It would be "The Hit" almost every running play. Outfit JC with some 1980's shoulder pads with the white foam neck brace (remember those) to keep from hurting himself and let terror being. Give him a tear-away jersey to stop lineman from holding him every play. That would be fun to watch. What do you think?

Clowney agrees with you. I say yes sir, good idea.

Weird poetry:

Georgia ball, 3 and 9.....
Hey, false start, 3 and 13....
Go get em cocks, wooo hoooo....
Murray 85 yard TD pass....
What..the..****ing...****
This is our defense this year

Actually, yeah that's rough:

On sports center they just said Aaron Murray said "that play was not in the game plan I was afraid people would not know their assignments" in regards to the 3rd and 13 big TD. So they can execute plays they don't practice but we can not execute plays we practice.

I'll take platonic ideal of Miami fans for 800

FLORIDA outgained Miami by a zillion yards but died in the redzone repeatedly when Jeff Driskel attempted to throw it through three to four 'Canes. This seemed like a good idea at the time.

Man Without An Enter Key responds:

Out Coached!!

Why muschamp went with that stupid two point conversion I have no idea!!! If you are going to go for two aleast line up and smash someone in the mouth!!! They tried that last year and it didnt work then. Im so tired of people saying pease dosent have trust in driskel or we dont have the reciever's YOU COME TO FLORIDA FOR A REASON!!! we get good talent the playes need to stop talking about what they need to do and do it.I put alot of blame on muschamp I think he holds to much say so on what we call on offense. Im all for being power football but mix the dang plays up we kept running up the middle nothing!!! I know you can do damage inside but dang they really didnt stop us on the outside!!!! and that middle was clogged way more than it was open. You have an offensive coordinator for a reason and brent pease did alot more with less at boise st. All Im saying is if you dont trust drieskel or pease then when your in the redzone then give are kicker a chance to put some points on the board!!! I dont agree with how muschamp used his tme out's in the game we wasted two time outs on things that we should not have to call a time out for in my opinion!!! Miami really did nothing on offense except that busted coverage on Maye but he is young and will learn from it. cody riggs just got beat in the corner plain and simple!!! Its only going to get worse in sec play they are going to load the box and force driskel to throw!!! we are going to face teams with better corners and front seven's!!! I hate to say it but the penalty's still looming in gator nation. I have not seen an approvement on that aspect. iM ALSO TIRED OF HEARING COACH MUSCHAMP SAY THIS IS WHAT WE ARE A GRIND IT OUT FOOTBALL TEAM, I HATE TO TELL YOU WE HAVE AN AWESOME DEFENSE BUT THE DEFENSE SHOULD'T HAVE TO RELY ON SHUTING TEAMS OUT AND THE OFENSE NOT DOING THEIR PART THE DEFENSE CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH AND THEY PLAYED A HELL OF A GAME. Lets just hope we got the turnovers out of our system and move forward and have a good year!!! Go GatorNationfrustrated

This guy's capitalization pattern is probably going to be a PhD thesis in linguistics at some point.

This is an… idea.

Should Driskel give the speech 2?

    I'm reaching for any kind of positive on offense at this point. lol

He can look in the mirror and give it to himself.

He'd probably just fumble the words anyway.

This is not.

Does John Brantley have any eligibility left?

NEXT WEEK: Purdue gets put in another woodchipper! Will they notice? Alabama fights Johnny Manziel! Oh holy lord, Tennessee plays Oregon. Greg Robinson debuts as Texas's defensive coordinator against rather mobile Bo Wallace and Ole Miss! Darth Goat versus Boston College in a game that Boston College is totally going to win!

More from SB Nation:

Solving Johnny Manziel: Chris "Smart Football" Brown on Bama-A&M

Five-part SI investigation into Oklahoma State football coming out

Spencer Hall recaps Week 2, and Mack Brown needs a home

Look closely: Jadeveon Clowney is doing just fine

Would coaches rather replace Mack Brown or Lane Kiffin?

Today’s college football news headlines

The 36 best photos from college football's Week 2

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