I come here to write about a feature from Seventeen Magazine's website, purporting, like many news organizations, to list the top 25 college football entities. Except this list is not of the best 25 teams in college football, but rather the 25 hottest college football players.
This is a perfectly normal endeavor for a magazine catering to teenage girls who, one day, seek to be 17 years old considering it features attractive males between the ages of 17 and 22. It definitely isn't more repugnant than the 478,9032,192,108,735,018,239,709,871,098,271,304,987,109,287,234 lists made by internetsmen listing attractive women in [INSERT FIELD OF BUSINESS HERE], a format which has generated literally trillions of pageviews.
A wise group of women once told me to stick to the rivers and the lakes I'm used to, though, rather than chasing so-called waterfalls. The lyrics of that song were about not dealing drugs or getting AIDS, but since nobody who reads Seventeen was alive when it came out, I can pretend it's relevant here.
I would pretend, for those aforementioned readers, that the members of TLC meant this: if you don't know about college football, chill, and if you're writing about how hot college football players are, just write about how hot they are. Do not write about college football. It will end poorly.
Everybody else can feel free to ignore that paragraph because this Seventeen feature was spectacular. Below are the 25 descriptions of hottest college football players in the Top 25 Hottest College Football Players ranking. They are presented without alteration. They are amazing.
(Note: most of the descriptions are merely funny, but it's toward the end when this author clearly got tired after writing 20 damn things about hot college football players that they get HILARIOUS.)
First off, a tally of word-usage:
"Super cute:" 3
"Totally hot:" 2
"Smokin' hot:" 2
A.J. McCarron, Alabama
Hottie AJ was the first quarterback to win back-to-back national titles in the BCS (Bowl Champtionships Series) era, which is no small feat!
I will truly miss the Bowl Champtionships Series. (Don't worry, the errors and humor become more egregiously notable.) Also, YES, FINALLY EVEN WITH KATHERINE WEBB.
C.J. Mosley, Alabama
The totally hot C.J. is one of the Rolltide's best players-he was voted an All-American last year, and is considered the #10 top NFL draft prosepect for 2014!
Putting "ROLL TIDE" after things is one of my favorite internet phenomena. Changing the name of the Alabama team to the Rolltides is somehow better than anything I've ever dreamed.
Drew Allen, Syracuse
This hottie just transferred to Syracuse from Oklahoma, and will play his first season for the Orange. But who cares who he plays for when he looks that hot?!
Syracuse fans care since Drew has thrown six interceptions and one touchdown in two games.
Anthony Barr, UCLA
Anthony is considered the #5 NFL draft prospect for 2014-even after he switched to linebacker last year. Last season he was second in the nation for sacks. And...that smile!
Actually very accurate, although he's probably a top prospect because he switched to LB, not in spite of it.
Drew Alleman, LSU
Drew is considered one of the best placekickers in the nation, and was an honrable mention All-American in 2011. Could he be any hotter?!
This should receive an "honrable mention" for "most disparate sentences placed next to each other."
Braxton Miller, Ohio State
Braxton set a school record last year for the most yards rushed. We think he deserves a school record for hotness!
First off: Imagine E. Gordon Gee on a stage presenting Braxton Miller with an award for hotness.
Second: I will not even investigate whether or not Braxton Miller set a school record for most yards rushed because, well, no.
Aaron Murray, Georgia
This super hot quarterback was named the MVP of the Capital One Bowl last year!
I'm sure he considers his season a success because of his Capital One Bowl MVP trophy.
Brett Hundley, UCLA
Last year, Brett was the first UCLA Bruins quarterback to throw at least 300 yards in three straight games!
True. Suck it, Troy Aikman.
Blake Bortles, UCF
Blake is the son of a former NFL wide receiver for the Miami Dolphins, and he started all of the regular season games as a sophomore last year. And: Those. arms.
First off: YES. I have been chiming the #CHORTLESFORBORTLES train for a year now, knowing that the American's only bid for a true Heisman (sorry, Teddy Bridgewater) is through the non-golden Knights' QB.
Second? Blake Bortles' dad was a linebacker for Georgia and never played in the NFL, especially not as a wide receiver for the Dolphins.
Johnny Manziel, Texas A&M
Johnny was the first freshman (in the BCS era) to ever win the Heisman Trophy-his nickname is even "Johnny Football!"
Logan Thomas, Virginia Tech
Logan became the first quarterback since 1965 to lead the Hokies in rushing. He even broke his own school record last year. It doesn't hurt that he's also super cute.
Actually, ladies, it did hurt. He was assessed a 15-yard penalty for super-cuteness on every set of downs.
The record he broke, by the way, was for total offense, not rushing. Look at me, reading the entirety of both of the first two sentences of his HokieSports bio.
Gary Nova, Rutgers
Last year the totally hot Gary was the starting quarterback for all 13 games and had 22 touchdown passes-the second most in school history.
You see? The Big Ten was adding pure sex appeal when they brought in Rutgers. I hope he never straightens his glasses to look like a normal person.
T.J. Yeldon, Alabama
TJ was named a freshman All-American by Sporting News and Scout.com last year and he made the SEC All-Freshman team. We can't get enough of his smoldering stare!
(T.J. Yeldon trucks a poor Seventeen Magazine reporter)
Blake Bell, Oklahoma
Football is in this swoon-worthy athlete's blood-both his father and uncle played for the NFL. Blake was also drafted by the Detroit Tigers for baseball, but declined, so he could play football instead.
Sure, Seventeen Magazine didn't pick any linemen, but they made up for their lack of diverse body types by picking THE BELLDOZER.
Also, damn, Seventeen really has a thing for QB's named Blake.
Cody Hoffman, BYU
Smokin' hot Cody ranks third on BYU's career-receiving touchdowns list!
I like to imagine this is a secret troll job by Seventeen hoping one of their readers has sex with Hoffman so he gets kicked off the team.
John Robertson, Villanova
John won the Jerry Rice Award at last year's Sports Network's FCS Awards, which is presented to the most outstanding freshman in Division I college football. We think he should win an award for outstanding looks, too!
First off, the award is just for FCS players, not everyone playing college football. Second, is that gonna be the same award they gave Braxton Miller for hotness?
Stefon Diggs, Maryland
Swoon-worthy Stefon was voted the ACC's rookie of the year last year! How can you resist that smile?
I guess the swooning does explain why no opposing cornerbacks were within 20 yards of Diggs for most of 2012.
Mike Sadler, Michigan State
According to MSU's site, this hot punter has achieved near-perfection in the academic arena, maintaining a 3.9 GPA! Hot and smart-what more could you want?!
So THAT'S why Michigan State's offense has stalled every drive of 2013: They just want everybody to get to see the total hotness of their punter. Good lookin' out, Mark Dantonio.
Also, his teammates found out about this:
And let the embarrassment begin... pic.twitter.com/BbFunkx8mC— Mike Sadler (@Sadler_3) September 12, 2013
Andddd in the training room.... pic.twitter.com/HYEh4z0ITI— Mike Sadler (@Sadler_3) September 12, 2013
And of course one in the weight room for good measure... pic.twitter.com/oOkSXWG3fP— Mike Sadler (@Sadler_3) September 12, 2013
NEVER ENDING pic.twitter.com/7aGXRybhpJ— Mike Sadler (@Sadler_3) September 12, 2013
Jordan Matthews, Vanderbilt
Jordan (famed wide receiver Jerry Rice is his cousin!) was named to his conference's first team last year, and posted the second highest receptions in team history. Nice moves, Jordan!
Which conference is that?
Casey Hughes, Vanderbilt
This Vanderbilt Commodore is known for his tackles. No surprise-just check out those arms!
I'm surprised this guy is known for his tackles, even in spite of his arms. I'm surprised because he had literally six tackles for Vandy last season, ranking him 25th on the 'Dores in the category. I will commend Seventeen,however, for sticking to their guns and choosing the hottest players in college football regardless of whether anybody in the world has ever heard of him.
Paul Richardson, Colorado
Last year Paul was ranked the 42nd wide receiver in the nation (really!), helping his team to a strong finish.
Colorado lost their last eight games last year. (Really!)
Jordan Lynch, NIU
Jordan broke four NCAA, two MAC, and 14 NIU records en route to earning All-American honors last year. Plus, he's super cute and super smart: The kinesiology major is a scholar athlete!
"But aren't all these gentlemen scholar-athletes?" -- Mark Emmert, while floating on his back in a pool drinking Moet out of the skull of a kid an SEC school cut because they were over-signed.
Marcus Mariota, Oregon
Marcus started all 13 games during the year and had at least one passing touchdown in each-he set a conference freshman record for most TD passes in one season!
Nothing wrong with this. I just want to see a cover spread photo shoot for Puddles.
Clint Trickett, West Virginia
This cute quarterback transferred from Florida State to West Virginia so he could play at his father's alma mater. So sweet!
Yup, THAT'S why Clint transferred out of Florida State. Jameis Winston just won the starting QB gig because he wanted Trickett to start a legacy with the Mountaineers. So sweet! (also, Paul Millard hates families.)
Tyler Tettleton, Ohio
Smokin' hot Tyler is the son of former MLB player Mickey Tettleton of the Texas Rangers, and he currently holds 23 school records for his skills on the football field!
I would've made a list entirely comprised of #MACtion, but, I suppose this is why I don't write for Seventeen.