FIU and Florida A&M's theoretical matchup is pure, unrelenting sadness

Robert Mayer-USA TODAY Sports

Some men just want to watch the world burn.

Florida International and Florida A&M were both expected to get blown out against top 10 competition, so in that regard, today is no surprise. However, the Panthers and Rattlers are down a combined score of 93-0 at halftime to Louisville and Ohio State, and both teams have only mustered one first down apiece.

With this in mind, let's imagine what a game between FIU and Florida A&M would look like:

  • A quarterback going 13-67 and being the most productive player in the game
  • Safeties on consecutive plays
  • An extra point called back for taunting
  • Visible tears in the FAMU mascot's eyes
  • Ron Turner, shirtless
  • Head lice
  • Three innings of a baseball game played in one end zone before being disturbed by a punt
  • A 19-play, 19-yard drive that ends in a blocked punt
  • No announcers after 8:43 left in the third quarter
  • Mario Cristobal skywriting "ROLL TIDE" at halftime
  • FIU's free safety is actually an office chair
  • Field goal attempt comes to rest while balanced perfectly on crossbar
  • First down punt for 11 net yards
  • The teams mutiny at the beginning of the fourth quarter and form new teams among themselves, both of which somehow lose to each other
  • Lukewarm coffee
  • FIU athletic director Pete Garcia seen wearing fedora, fake nose and glasses combo
  • Crime

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