This Week In Schadenfreude: West Virginia at rock bottom is a drunken possum

Dana Holgorsen is not a possum. - Rob Carr

TWIS collects the collective spleen of the CFB internet and half-sympathizes, half-mocks it. This week: 353 West Virginia gifs! No Santa for UNC fans! A sad shirtless fat man! Platitude spewing morons! The only guy in Wisconsin who didn't call Jen Bielema something horrible! Kenya massacre anti-perspective!

A rough week on the schedule was as entertaining as football usually is. To most people. Not Mountaineer fans after WEST VIRGINIA was on the wrong end of a 37-0 beating by… Maryland? The one with Randy Edsall? This is what the internet says.

Losing to Oklahoma in dispiriting fashion is one thing; getting blanked by a rampant Terps squad dressed up like Harley Quinn is another. The natives are going to lose it over this one. They may even advocate for Terry Bowden.

Post a picture that represents the state of our football program

03-16-38_quarterbacks_original_medium

Joczx_medium

Roadkill_medium

Aaaand:

Opossum-drunk_medium

353 posts and counting, and it doesn't even have the most bizarre image on WVU's scout board:

Is Dana an "offensive genius?"


how many here are convinced?

Fotoflexer_photo_zps8fc25ffc_medium

Your guess is as good as mine. There's some thread screaming "Kim is DEAD and never coming back / Thanks Dana." Extrapolate from that.

Finally:

Hey Dana, you never responded back to my PM. What gives???


I tried to PM you to the other day but I think you were sorta busy since you haven't replied back.  It's all good man.  Just call me when you need suggestions on the offense.

I have a couple of good hail mary's that I tend to run on the PS3.   Since our QB likes to zero in on WRs, it might as well be zeroing in with the long bomb jump ball pass.   This way we might accidentally score vs putting up the big donut today.

Also, I am proud of you for getting the D to play better.   It totally took everyone by surprise to see the D making some plays and the O making no plays.  Very exciting to see us bipolar from last year!   Next year, lets surprise everyone with having a good D AND a good O!  Okay????

Response:

i thought of "stan" by eminem when i read this, and i hate you for it.

West Virginia has acquired the Tears of Unfathomable Sadness. The rest of the week in spleen:

ACC

NORTH CAROLINA blew a two-score lead against Georgia Tech, which tends to cause existential despair:

We will never turn the corner 

I am convinced UNC will NEVER be a power house in football ever.

Commentators always say how has UNC not won a NC because if all the good players we have produced. I believe we are snake bitten or something. I am sure most people agree. I mean hell we had Lawrence Taylor and we couldn't win a NC

That is actually a fantastic point, but he takes some guff for this. Then:

Hey bub don't be so harsh. I've had a rough week with my grandmother having cancer.

GET OFF THE INTERNET. AAARGH.

More existential angst:

Being a UNC football fan is like being the kid hoping for a brand new shiny bike under the Christmas tree every yr....and of course every yr you will be DISAPPOINTED...UNTIL u finally figure it out

THERE IS NO D@MN SANTA CLAUS lil'Timmy!!!

Also, NC STATE's loss to Clemson on Thursday featured a sad, shirtless man with itchy nipples. SB Nation cannot be held responsible for the results of clicking through.

Big Ten

MICHIGAN STATE lost a somewhat close game to Notre Dame — four points is a mountain for Michigan State — thanks in large part to a blizzard of pass interference penalties ranging from hilarious (Darqueze Dennard ripping down a receiver who had no shot at the ball just before intercepting it, primarily) to obvious to debatable leaning towards dodgy. They're this week's Wisconsin, except:

WHY ARE WE GETTING F---ED BY BIG TEN REFS?

Against a team that has repeatedly slighted our conference? I only see one conclusion you can draw.

Jesus, at least when wusconsin got screwed, it was a Pac-12 crew.

This is just the tip of the ref-rant iceberg, including our Scott Tenorman of the Week:

I have NEVER IN MY LIFE been as pissed off about an official..

    ....as the god damn jackass side judge on the ND sideline who has been f---ing MSU over ALL. F---ING. DAY. LONG. Somebody, anybody know this guys' name?

Seriously. I just spent five full minutes screaming at the top of my lungs "GOD DAMMIT YOU F---ING C--- S---ER CHEATING GOD DAMN SIDE JUDGE PIECE OF SHIT F--- YOU F--- YOU F-------------------- YOU" et al

Also:

THE REFS MATTER, YOU PLATITUDE SPEWING MORONS

    Reese is only 13/31 so far. They have 5 PI penalties. ON ALL OF THEIR SCORING DRIVES, A PENALTY HAS EXTENDED IT! The refs matter a lot, especially for teams that get into low scoring games!

Also:

This is f***ing criminal

If the NCAA actually cared one iota about fair competition, they would install a transparent, no conference body to investigate officials and keep them accountable.

Also:

They should go to jail for this.

A little later the other Big Ten team found themselves in a hole of their own devising. They eventually crawled out of it with a win despite a minus-3 turnover margin, but MICHIGAN folks at MGoBlog did not take kindly to a second-straight nailbiter against a supposedly far inferior foe. One of our moderators documented the carnage:

In that [game] thread, the word "f---" or some form of it appears 118 times, "shit" appears in 34 posts, "suck" in 102 posts, 9 direct references to firing a coach. 14 posts questioning Hoke's ability to coach, "Damn" makes only 11 appearances. 23 posts about the possibility of benching Gardner in favor of Morris.

But it got better. Sort of.

The 2nd half thread went better - only 47 "f---s", 12 "shits", 9 "damns", 2 references to firing someone, 12 instances of "suck" ...and only 2 people wanted Morris in ahead of Gardner

And this was relatively calm compared to last week.

Akron thread - 113 instances of "f---", 54 for "shit", 22 for "damn", 10 proposed firings, 65 uses of "suck" and seven calls to play Morris.

The over-under on swears for the bye week open thread is set at 90, and heavily depends on how Arizona looks against Washington.

Big Twelve

KANSAS STATE fans can't be mad at Bill Snyder, can they? Bill Snyder is the Wildcat program, stem to stern. Okay, they lost to Texas. But while Texas isn't super good this year, they're Texas. Surely

Worst coaching ever


Complete embarrasment. Should be ashamed of themselves.

Completely agree.  THis loss is on the coaching staff more than the players.

+1000

Are you kidding me. Unbelievable. Fireable offense. Not joking. Atleast Dimel.

It's almost like Snyder didn't want a chance to be the one to beat the Horns on National TV and further put Mack's job in jeopardy. I cannot believe they would run the play clock down to less than 5 seconds almost every time, down 10 and under 3 minutes to play.  What a joke. banghead

My 14 month old son could have had a better game plan.  Pathetic how coach called the first half. Let me guess.....  Sams run or gee I don't know Waters keeper....  WTF!!!!!

You beat me to posting this!
Never in my life have I seen a game coached as terrible as this!!! Play after play I was in shock at how stupid the plays were that we ran.

Wow. At least one person in Manhattan is acquainted with a sense of humor:

Can we just suck without everyone piling on? Big deal we lost two games. We can still beat Baylor and OSU. On a side note, I just mixed some Paxil, Prozac and Zoloft.

We need a hostess program. Who's with me?

And even though TEXAS won I have to mention that last week I unbelievably missed a post entitled

The 2013 Longhorns football season, as explained by Death Cab for Cutie

That had things like this in it:

"The Sound of Settling"

This song (another track from Transatlanticism) could be played over every Mack Brown press conference. The blind loyalty to certain assistants, associates, and QBs whose names rhyme with Base McFoy; excuse-making of the "America has a tackling problem" variety, and celebrations of Alamo Bowl victories could appropriately be greeted with a chorus of:

Bop ba, bop ba
This is the sound of settling

I exclaimed words usually found in MGoBlog gamethreads profusely when I realized I had done this.

Pac-12

Stanford blitzed to 29-0 halftime lead on ARIZONA STATE before the Sun Devils made it look vaguely respectable at the end. A list of positive things from the second half:

DShaw isn't Harbaugh, otherwise we'd be down by 100.

we dont have to worry about Texas taking CTG [Coach Todd Graham]*

Graham's shenanigans and "trick plays" were quite entertaining. Unfortunately Sutton has become a slow, fat and short-winded 400-lbs sausage with extremities.

And the most moral of victories:

Things got so ugly that Shaw had to insert his starters yet again.

There goes that Shaw again, re-inserting his starters. Do you even depth chart, bro?

* If this makes you lolwut: professional newspaperer Dan Bickley, a troll in the spirit of Mike Bianchi or Drew Sharp, riled up the ASU fan base by projecting Todd Graham to Texas because of poor fan support in Tempe. That development would crash Twitter for weeks and cause large sections of the country to collapse into mirth, probably killing most of College Station and a tiny slice of Pittsburgh outright.

And we should check in with USC fans after a narrow 17-14 escape against Utah State, I suppose:

LIAR. AND WRONG AS USUAL.

9/22/2013 11:58:03 AM

By: San Clemente

…LEE HASN'T REGRESSED, SHIT FOR BRAINS.

Teams have figured out how to deal with him.  He's the same skinny weak tit big mouth that walked onto campus.  He has done NOTHING to get stronger or improve himself.  NOTHING. and Coaches haven't pushed him to get better. They get to gether and read his press clippings. That's about it.  He hasn't worked on his routs.  HE CERTAINLY HASN'T WORKED ON THE DROPSIES. Zero time in the weight room. …

HE HAS NOT REGRESSED.  HE'S THE SAME GUY.  IT'S THE D THAT HAS FIGURED OUT HOW TO NEUTER HIM.  AND YOU BRAIN DEAD VAGINAL BLOOD FART, HE DOESN'T HAVE A O COORDINATOR THAT KNOWS HOW TO DESIGN PLAYS TO HELP HIS WEAK TIT OUT BY GETTING HIM INTO SPACE.

no wonder usc and ucla law rejected your sorry ass. sc

Par for the course, then. I like to think this guy is Mike Garrett.

SEC

Buz7xtxcuaihy-9_medium

via @tjkubs

ARKANSAS gacked up a lead and lost to Rutgers on a succession of wacky plays, but they're still in shiny-new-coach mode and tend to blame everything on the Bobby Petrino/John L. Smith debacle of yesteryear. Also, Arkansas was starting Iowa transfer A.J. Derby due to an injury to their starter, so it's relatively mild on Hogville:

Very disappointed in Clay Travis' ranking of our fanbase being the 4th dumbest


PLEASE name 3 dumber.
Mind=blown on the meltdown in this place. we played with a backup QB, on the road, and lost.

There are more threads chewing out complainers than the coaches, and just one on the real schadenfreude here, which was directed at Jen Bielema on Twitter and largely consisted of the same garbage she got in the aftermath of the Wisconsin-ASU game, except Ohio State assistant Mike Vrabel's wife got in that diss game. Everyone here is named Jen, I want you to know.

I did like this guy who helpfully tweeted fashion advice to both Bret and his wife in the aftermath:

Also this Wisconsonian gets points for not only this but his Vonnegut-themed background image:

This is the best person in Wisconsin.

TENNESSEE got run by Florida 31-17 despite Florida playing like a sack of rabid ferrets for most of the game. The Vols are also in new-coach mode, but they're a bit saltier after their recent Oregon debacle. Even the calls for perspective lack perspective:

Something is very wrong, VolNation...


I keep trying to imagine a bunch of grown ass adults freaking out, melting down, throwing tantrums, and constantly berating every aspect of our football program, but I just can't do it.

If that is indeed the case, and the posters here are not predominantly teenage boys and girls going through puberty, then something is very wrong.

This morning, 39 people were murdered at a mall in Kenya, but our world falls apart because a group of young men in pads don't perform to our unreasonably high expectations.

Responses include a fair number of "danged Muslims" and an equal number of people pointing out Kenya is Christian (83 percent, says Wikipedia). Eliding those:

volswillrise12: Thanks for your high and mighty speech OP----I'm going to go punch a few babies now.

SteelerVol: I recommend you go north and beat little baby Harp seals instead. You can eat them afterwards and sell their fur.

CA_Vol: I bet you're a Democrat. Enjoy Kenya. I'll keep posting what I see. Another horrible UT football team.

BennisDrewer: The 39 at the mall should consider themselves lucky they aren't having to watch this.

smokey0625: I'm sorry but this game is more important. We have death all the time. I'm sorry their dead but I pray they were taken care of "soul" wise.

hilarious_vol: Problem is, Kenya University would beat us 33-14 on 5 turnovers and bad tackling.

gators22vols19: If nobody has said it yet I will. Football is more important than Kenyans. [ed: at least five people have said this already by this point in the thread.] Kenya stuck us with this horrible president we have so screw them. OK enough political talk.

Finally, a VolBraniac metaphorically ends the thread:

Really.

What was that idiot thinking? Football is more important than people. That's why people play football - to become important.

Honestly, I'm getting more giddy by the minute just thinking about all the football there is and all the people to play it. Actually, I think I'm hyperventilating now...maybe I should breathe into a paper bag for a few minutes.

I gotta tell ya, I'm so grateful to have a place like this where I can come to exchange ideas and hard data with open-minded, astute, industrious people who actually take the time to investigate our world rationally and methodically, instead of engaging in emotional conjecture, or jumping to 'people are special' conclusions ... a place where people don't care about anything except what is important - football.
Man I'm so lucky.

This man wins the internet this week.

NEXT WEEK: Oh thank God Michigan has a bye! HATE fires up in the Big Ten with Iowa-Minnesota: pork is at stake! The Karma Bowl: Wisconsin versus Ohio State! Oh sweet Lord what is Oklahoma State going to do to West Virginia? Someone's pissed off after Oklahoma-Notre Dame! Georgia-LSU! Arkansas-Texas A&M! Did I mention Michigan has a bye?

More from SB Nation:

Penn State’s NCAA sanctions reduced

Longform: Inside Chip Kelly’s offense at New Hampshire

Spencer Hall: Fire Week 4 into the sun

Ranking the 29 undefeated teams by resumes

New Top 25 rankings good for LSU, Oregon

Today’s college football news headlines

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