After erratic, uncharacteristically eventful wins over Virginia Tech and Texas A&M, Alabama finally returned to form this weekend by doing what they love most: slowly suffocating someone with their very strong hands in front of a horrified audience in a 25-0 win over Ole Miss. Nick Saban got to freak out over nothing, too! They're rounding into classic Saban form, are going to win everything for the third year in a row, and nothing interesting will ever happen in college football ever again that doesn't involve Lane Kiffin being fired on a Sunday morning.
Beat Cal 55-16 in a blinding rainstorm in Eugene. Converting for the weather, that's about 77 points in fair weather, and a good 42 in blinding hail. We're saying Oregon's so far ahead of the game that they've adapted their football style to cope with global warming and unpredictable weather patterns, and that we should just give up and let Oregon and Alabama fight for the future of humanity right now and get it over with before October even starts.
A 56-7 win over Wake Forest proves that Clemson can beat Wake Forest by 49 points. Clemson is a very good football team anyway, but most teams not dogged by a team-wise parasitic infection or wasting disease should beat Wake Forest by 49 points. (Congrats, Clemson: Dr. Jim Grobe says the tests are clean.)
4. Ohio State.
Beat the second-best team in the Big Ten 31-24. Mark May says this was not impressive enough, and this is why we should stop listening to Mark May about anything, ever.
55-17 over Washington State is ugly, but remember that the grotesque can sometimes generate images of undeniable beauty.
Lost 44-41 to UGA in your typical godless, un-American SEC shootout.
Bye week, most likely spent carrying Teddy Bridgewater around in the thickest bubble wrap available.
8. Florida State.
Lost to Boston College with a 48-34 lead at the end of regulation. No, that's the correct score, and the correct way of saying this.
Won 44-41 with a triumphant defensive stand in a classic SEC struggle of wills. (Correcting narrative for proper SEC gateway into national title bid, should UGA need help.)
10. Texas A&M.
45-33 over the Razorbacks. The Aggies are still the outbreak point for the SEC turning into the Big 12, but as long as Johnny Manziel is part of that endless sprint to 40 points we're fine with it. (Did he just blindly put up a ball in triple coverage to Mike Evans, who still caught it for a TD? Yes. Yes, he did.)
11. Oklahoma State.
Continued the Great Conference Inversion of 2013 by losing a 30-21 defensive struggle to West Virginia.
12. South Carolina.
A 28-25 road squeaker to UCF means that somewhere there is a Big Ten fan who will decry the weakness of the SEC while conveniently forgetting Penn State's loss to UCF. This person IS the internet, and we love him or her for it.
Bye week, spent picking up Lane Kiffin at the airport. (And quietly stealing his phone for recruiting contacts.)
The Bob Stoops Testosterone Replacement Treatment Revenge Tour had a successful stop in Notre Dame in a 35-21 victory featuring three interceptions from Tommy Rees, who at this point cannot be blamed for being put on the football field and throwing interceptions because, like an exotic pet, that is his nature. (The owner, however, can.)
A 49-21 win over South Florida is procedural. An ankle injury to Stephen Morris, however, is not, so don't say South Florida didn't just put a dent in their season this year. They may have also damaged Miami's chances of winning the ACC, and that's why football's kind of horrible sometimes.
A 31-13 victory over Arizona, which seems ho-hum until you remember that just three years ago Washington was capable of dropping random games to Northern Arizona, much less beating a team with Ka'Deem Carey in the backfield.
Bye week spent pretending that Pat Fitzgerald will love them and only them forever.
A bye week spent woodworking and reading a few good books about Lewis and Clark. Such pioneers!
Spent the bye quietly smoldering and thinking about rampage, plunder, and turnt-ness.
Had a kicker score on them in an otherwise uneventful 24-7 victory over Kentucky, because no team has ever not converted an attempted field goal fake against Florida.
21. Ole Miss.
Scored zero points to Alabama's 25 and gave up a safety, so don't say the SEC hasn't lost all of its traditions.
22. Notre Dame.
Lost 35-21 to Oklahoma. Now has two losses and heads to Arizona State next week. Fun has a lot of different definitions, and watching nouveau riche Todd Graham's tacky ass run through the old guard of college football is one.
Lost 31-24 to Ohio State because Gary Andersen left this warlock behind in Logan, and thus earned a powerful desert wizard's curse.
FIND ME A BETTER COACH/STAFF MEMBER THAN THIS. pic.twitter.com/jlfDm9Opub— Gray Hardison (@BellyoftheBeast) September 28, 2013
24. Texas Tech.
Bye week spent being handsomer than you.
25. Fresno State.
42-37 win over Hawai'i. The Warriors stormed back late to make this deceptively close, and to cover the spread. That's important, because remember that the Hawaiian Mafia definitely didn't try to kill June Jones over stuff like this.